VIOLENCE VIOLENCE PHYSICAL SEXUAL SEXUAL PHYSICAL POWER AND CONTROL making threats to hurt her scaring her by using looks actions or gestures smashing things destroying her property ID: 1035969
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1. yourselfachieve this VIOLENCEVIOLENCEPHYSICALSEXUALSEXUALPHYSICALPOWERANDCONTROL* making threats to hurt her* scaring her by using looks, actions or gestures* smashing things* destroying her property* abusing pets* displaying weapons* threatening to leave or killTHREATS,COERCION &INTIMIDATIONEMOTIONALABUSE* putting her down* making her feel bad about herself* calling her names* making her think she's crazy* playing mind-games* humiliating herISOLATION & ACTINGJEALOUS* controlling what she does, who she sees,what she reads, where she goes * limitingor discouraging her outside involvement * using threats or abuse to others toMINIMISING, DENYING, LYING, BLAMING* blaming her for your problems or for your abuse * making light of the abuse * making light of the effects of your abuse * saying the abuse didn't happen* making her feel crazy by lying to herUSINGCHILDREN* encouraging thechildren to take sides* making her feel guiltyabout the children * usingchild contact to harass her* using contact/custody casesto continue your argument with her* using children to relay messages* threatening to take trhe childen awaySEXUAL ABUSE* forcing her to watch, takepart in, or be subject to any sexual act* coercing her into sexual acts * usingsulks or punishments if she refusessex *using sexual put-downs orsexual humiliation* using sexual 'double standards'ABUSINGMALE PRIVILEGE &ECONOMIC ABUSE* treating her like a servant * making all the bigdecisions * denying her access to or knowledgeabout the family income * making her ask for or be grateful for money * preventing her from working outside the home * redefining her roleBLOCKING WOMEN'S ANGER * using threats and intimidation to silence her * not listening to her * interrupting her * ignoring her* mocking her concern * making her feel mad, bad or sick for feeling angry* coming back with constant counter-accusationsCHASING,HARASSING &STALKING* contacting her at times or in placeswhere it's not welcome * not lettingher leave the argument orrelationship * using financesor kids as excuses tomake unwelcomecontact * usingothers to makeunwelcomecontactThe (Duluth) power&control model of an abusive relationship 1
2. Violence supported through social & cultural structuresphysicalsexual social services governmentINSTITUTIONS education medicinePOWERANDCONTROLCULTURECULTUREnorms rituals values language traditions fads heroes art heroines dances music Media police courts work economics religion VIOLENCEVIOLENCEphysicalsexual 2
3. * letting her initiate contact when & ifshe chooses * backing down &leaving arguments * letting herleave arguments * lettingyour anger go / notwinding yourself up * listening to her anger * respecting her anger as real & as having real reasons * valuingher feelings & opinions * responding non-abusively EQUALITYNON-VIOLENCENON-VIOLENCE* making her feel safe & comfortableto express herself & do what shechooses * seeking mutuallysatisfying resolutions to conflict* accepting change * beingwilling to compromiseFAIRNESS,NEGOTIATION & NON-THREATENING BEHAVIOURRESPECT * listening to her non-judgmentally* being emotionally supportive, affirming & understanding* valuing her opinionsTRUST & SUPPORT* respecting her right to have her ownfeelings, friends, activities & opinions* not expecting her to take care of your insecurities * supporting her goals in lifeHONESTY &ACCOUNTABILITY* accepting responsibility for self* acknowledging past use of violence* being answerable for past violence & its effects * admitting being wrong * communicating openly & truthfullyRESPONSIBLEPARENTING* keeping child contacta separate issue * if necessary,using legal & other forms of mediation to support you in this* sharing parental responsibilities* being a positive, respectful, non-SEXUAL RESPECT * respecting that it's her body & her rightto consent or not * taking 'no' for an answer* sexual honesty & openness * giving love & affection without stringsviolent role-model for the children* good-enough parentingECONOMICPARTNERSHIP & SHAREDRESPONSIBILITY* making financial and other major family decisions together * respecting her right to choose what's best for her & do it * mutually agreeing on a fair distribution of work attached * being sexually affirming * taking responsibility for safe sex * mutualityRESPECTING WOMEN'S ANGERLETTING GO* finding your own support networkA model of an equal and non-controlling relationship 3