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Helping Clients Redefine Relationships - PowerPoint Presentation

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Helping Clients Redefine Relationships - PPT Presentation

After Rifts Michele Aluoch 2018 Stages of Grief Shock Disorganization Searching Behavior Emotional Components Despair Guiltreal or imagined what if What could I have done I wish I could have done more ID: 758009

amp forgiveness shame journal forgiveness amp journal shame forgive counseling person therapy people cognitive feelings psychology offender health emotional

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Slide1

Helping Clients Redefine Relationships After Rifts

Michele Aluoch

2018Slide2

Stages of Grief

Shock

Disorganization

Searching Behavior

Emotional Components

Despair

Guilt-real or imagined, what if? What could I have done? I wish I could have done more.

Anger- at person for their sickness/death, anger

with yourself for being about your own businessSlide3

Stages of Grief

Anxiety-what now?, feeling of loss of control over your emotions

Jealousy- of others who don’t have to go through loss

Shame-don’t want to admit true feelings of loss -what it means

Aggression/Protest- doctors & nurses, family members who did not help, God for “letting it happen”

Letting Go

- final goodbye, not searching, acceptance of new reality

Reintegration

- reassigning meaning to symbolic experiencesSlide4

The Six Needs of MourningWolfelt, 2004

Accept the reality of the death.

Let yourself feel the pain of the loss.

Remember the person who died.

Develop a new self identity.

Search for meaning.

Let others help you- now and always. Slide5

The Disease of Revenge- McCullough,M.E, 1997

Weakened history

All consuming

Destructive effects to the host

Keeps comparison to one’s internal standards of justice going (“

shoulds

”)

 

Alternative: promote forgiveness rather than revengeSlide6

Cognitive Models of Forgiveness &Object Transformation

(e.g.- Cioni,P.F.-2007)

Unforgiveness

/

Woundedness

(Revenge Based Cognitions)

Versus Forgiveness (Changing Cognitive Attributes and Perspectives)Slide7

Object Transformation

Negative Cognitions

Violation occurs

Negative emotions follow

“I will get even”,” I want revenge”, “They will not get away w/

this”,”He

/she must pay for this”. I can’t stand this pain”,” I cannot tolerate this, “I must get even.”

The object-image changes from friend to enemy

.

Aggressive energy is directed toward the object which produces inner conflict.

Forgiveness-Based Cognitions

Violation occurs

Negative emotions follow

I will choose to forgive this person. The violation no longer has control over me.

Negative emotions are alleviated.

The object-image is less threatening or remains non-threatening. Freedom from inner conflict. is enhanced, peace restored, and life renewed.Slide8

TransformationBlocher, W.G., & Wade, N,G.

(January 2010)

a process of changes

Inside the one who perceives the offense

three areas: cognition, emotions, and behaviors toward the offender.

Two mechanisms: 1) reduction of negative thoughts, emotions, and behaviors that include the pain, hurt, anger,

bitterness, and any desires for revenge that result from the hurt; and (2) increase of positive thoughts, feelings, and prosocial behaviors toward the offender (e.g. compassion, understanding, love, mercy, or simply a feeling of pitySlide9

Cognitions of Offenses

Discouraging thoughts about the offender

Questioning: why did the offender do it?

Why did this happen to me?

Thoughts of revenge

Thoughts of relationship termination

Why the offender should not have done this to begin with

Thoughts of forgiveness

Thoughts of distrustSlide10

Most Critical Factors to Consider in Relational OffensesBeckenbach, J., Patrick, S., & Sells, J. (2010)

The immediate topic

The history of arguments

The nature of conflict between the two parties

Family of origin or historical factors in these issues

Use of defenses and self preservation techniques- perpetuates offensesSlide11

Common Elements

I.

Intra-individual and inter-personal

Within the self

Between the self and others, relational

II.

Regarding a perceived transgressor/transgression

NOTE: perceived versus actual transgressor- individual self and desired self, self and other, two parties each with some responsibility, groupsSlide12

Common Elements

III.

Has disrupted appropriate social interactions

IV.

Requires a shift in emotions from bitterness, anger, hared, toward more positive feelings, thoughts and behaviors

V.

Involves some plan of dealing with accepting or modifying behaviors based on perceived injustices

VI. Involves freedom in communication

“To be able to say without resentment, “I feel sad that our relationship is going this way and this is what I would like from here..” (Karen,R.-2001)Slide13

Meaning Making in Grief

Clients present in terms of stories, narratives, and myths

Learning to adjust what is “true”

Exists in culture: 1. stories, narratives, myths

and 2. nonverbal communication

Meaning making

: both within each client as well as the therapeutic exchange.

Not automatically important to everyone

Gender differences

- men seen as more attractive if less extreme grief symptoms but women seen as more attractive if open and sharingSlide14

Meaning Making in Grief

Grief is as varied as each individual.

Expression is better than denial.

Expression may include a range of things unique to each individual.

Gender roles play a part- men tend to be more private and repressive while women encouraged to be open.

Social support is an essential element.

Avoidance is top problem and concern in terms of maladaptive responses.

Recovery involves building grief into existing structure of one’s life.

Requires cognitive reframing- not losing but redefining.

Flexibility between and within individuals is required.

(time, style, resources needed)

Seeing grief as an ability to broaden one’s perspective Slide15

Choices of the ClientUysal,R., &

Satici

, S.A., 2014

Power to create our own happiness or lack thereof

Power to create vengeance or forgiveness

Power to choose types of responses that raise or lower tensions

Power to choose negative emotions like anger, bitterness and revenge or to give empathy, humility, second chances

Power to redefine and re-evaluate relationship

Power for justice in nonaggressive ways

Power to consider the effects on one’s own identity and integritySlide16

Forgiveness Assessment

Is reconciliation a necessary part of forgiveness?

Is apology necessary before you would forgive someone?

Is it necessary to forget the hurt when you forgive someone?

Do you see forgiveness as primarily a religious concept?

Is it possible to forgive someone without that person being aware of it?Slide17

Forgiveness Assessment

Do you feel guilty if you do not forgive someone?

Is it possible to forgive someone?

Is it possible to forgive yourself?

Is forgiveness more helpful for the person who was hurt than the person who did the hurting?

Can forgiveness cause emotional problems?

Do you think you have a moral responsibility to forgive?Slide18

Forgiveness Assessment

Does forgiving someone excuse their hurtful behavior?

Can forgiveness occur if a hurtful action is still happening?

Are religious people more forgiving?

Do you see yourself as more forgiving than others?

Is it easier to forgive a friend/family member than a stranger?

Does anger decrease when forgiveness takes place?Slide19

Forgiveness Assessment

Is it easier to forgive a friend/family member than a stranger?

Does anger decrease when forgiveness takes place? Are you more likely to forgive someone who has made a major life change?

Do you see forgiveness as a weakness?

Does forgiveness justify a hurtful behavior?Slide20

Forgiveness Assessment

Does forgiveness automatically restore trust?

Is it possible to be both angry and forgiving about a situation at the same time?

Was forgiveness used often in your family?

Do you believe people should be forgiven more than once for doing the same hurtful action repeatedly

?Slide21

Hindrances To Forgiveness

Poor role modeling of family with regard to emotional expression, sharing, and/or problem solving

Codependency

Communication difficulties- avoidance, anger, reactivity, holding things in, passive aggressive communication

Extreme cognitions and black and white thinking- good/bad, right/wrong, all at fault versus not at fault

A childhood where parents were seen as always “right”

A childhood where children lived in fear of the parents’ reactions so they could never share their feelingsSlide22

Perceptions of Counselors Versus Average Person/Client

Counselors/theorists

Avg. person/client

Cognitive commitment to Do the work of forgiveness and then decide later

forgive initiates the treatment about commitment to forgive

and forgiveness process

Commitment to forgive is an Commitment to forgive is the most important part of

“easier” early stage the entire forgiveness process and also the most difficult.

Bearing the pain is necessary Have to act civil but don’t have to bear injustices if and positive step in healing not client’s responsibility

Social support systems necessary Social supports necessary during the deeper work phases of forgiveness to even start and go through every phase of forgivenessSlide23

Forgiveness and Spirituality

Considered important and necessary by many Christians and people of faith

Spirituality is embedded in the person’s narratives of self and relationships

Decisional forgiveness verses emotional forgivenessSlide24

Research Results Continued:Gender & Forgiveness

1) Women who were more religious and scored higher on empathy scales were more inclined to forgive.

2) Gender issues affecting forgiveness: women- guilt proneness, anger reduction, and detachment and men- age, shame proneness, and pride.

3) Defining forgiveness: women see process of forgiveness as vital to successful relationships and men see it as helpful but not necessary for maintenance of relationship.

4) Women are more likely to view forgiveness as obligatory and men are more likely to view forgiveness as situational

.Slide25

Research Results Continued: Age & Forgiveness

1) Older people generally more likely to forgive.

2) Older women are more likely to forgive than older men.

3) Older women are more likely to forgive than younger women.Slide26

Research Results Continued

Selfism

- people internally focused on self, people who detach when things get rough in relationships, and people with poor emotional coping skills; repeatedly shown that selfish negatively correlates with forgiveness

Empathy

-repeatedly shown to facilitate forgiveness and also to be present in people who are willing and able to demonstrate higher levels of forgiveness, perspective taking, and reconciliationSlide27

Emotional Factors in Forgiveness Cont

Shame

- Found to be the more generally “male” style while “guilt” is the generally “female” style according to research. Shame- sees problems as global, negative deficits in the entire self and enduring defects of a person. Negatively correlated with forgiveness. Considered connected to both higher degrees of

unforgiveness

of self and others, more irrational anger, and more external blame towards others.

Guilt

- Found to be the more generally “female” style while “shame” is found to be the more generally “male” style. Guilt- focuses on the behavior, assists in forgiveness- separating out action from personhood. Positively correlated with forgiveness. Considered more adaptive following an offense.Slide28

Emotional Components Continued

Adaptive pride

- Associated with higher self esteem. Correlates highly with forgiveness. A person with high adaptive pride sees himself or herself as socially responsible for the well being of the relationship. High levels of adaptive pride in men were generally associated with higher forgiveness.Slide29

Emotional Components Continued

Cognitive

adaptibility

- Regardless of how many rejection wounds in the past those who were more able to forgive were more willing to take a risk being turned away because they did not want to conceive of the possibility of not being together again. They were able to muster the strength to cognitively focus on the positives in spite of the negatives. Our greatest hurts are by the closest of intimates- refocus on this closeness. Another measure of cognitively adaptability demonstrated to correlate highly with forgiveness is the ability to separate personhood from action. Finally, those who were better at perspective taking were generally better at achieving higher levels of forgivenessSlide30

Emotional Components Continued

Emotional restrictiveness

- People who have a tendency to not allow themselves to feel or admit any unpleasant feelings or to polarize these as “evil” are less likely to genuinely forgive and reach higher levels of forgiveness and reconciliation. “Denial of negative feelings”

(Karen, R.-2001) actually hinders self forgiveness and other forgiveness. In addition, those who do all they can to not mourn actually promote complicated grief and hinder mourning in addition to complicating the recovery process.Slide31

Emotional Components Continued

The blaming personality

- Those who tend to see things as everyone else’s fault actually tend to not mourn because they do not believe they ever have anything to mourn over. Blame renounces responsibility and dries up tears. Blame also is associated with generalities- (“they” all become exactly like the one who hurt me). This goes both for self forgiveness and other forgiveness.

Mourning

- Those who allow themselves freedom to mourn tend to be more loving.Slide32

Cost Benefit Analysis of ForgivenessCooney, A., Allan, A., Allan, M. M., McKillop, D., & Drake, D. G., 2011

Benefit to self

Benefit to other

Benefit to relationship

Justice

Consequences of the offense

Context/perspective taking

EmpowermentSlide33

To Forgive Or Not To Forgive?

Did you make a conscious decision to forgive? If so, how did you arrive at that decision? Can you trace the reasoning that led you to the decision to forgive?

Did you experience- at any point before, during, or after the making of the decisions to forgive- a changed emotional state that you would define as emotionally forgiving the person who harmed you?

Do your Christian or faith beliefs, values, community, or friends play any part in your decision and experience of forgiveness? If so, how?

What benefits (if any) have your experienced from having forgiven? How has your offender benefitted?

Did you make a conscious decision to forgive? If so, how did you arrive at that decision? Can you trace the reasoning that led you to the decision to forgive?Slide34

To Forgive Or Not To Forgive?

No

:

Offense was too big

Risk for re-offending

Nature of the offense

Personal preferences/what I will or will not tolerate

Psychological distress levelSlide35

To Forgive Or Not To Forgive?Williamson, I., & Gonzales, M. H. (2007)

Positive Regard for Offender Subscale

5. Lets me see the good side of the other person, despite his

or her offense.

8. Allows me to sympathize with the other person.

14. Enables me to empathize with the other person’s motives,

needs, and reasons for doing what he or she did.

16. Helps to restore feelings of love and caring in my

relationship with the other person.

19. Makes the other person’s action’s more understandable. Slide36

To Forgive Or Not To Forgive?Williamson, I., & Gonzales, M. H. (2007)

Religious–Expressive Subscale

6. Reflects a humble submission to God, who always forgives us.

9. Allows me to express God’s love.

20. Enables me to act as Jesus would want me to act.

21. Makes it possible for God to work through me.

23. Is an opportunity to model or identify with Jesus. Slide37

To Forgive Or Not To Forgive?Williamson, I., & Gonzales, M. H. (2007)

Self–Transformation Subscale

12. Enables me to look at myself differently than before.

13. Enables me to find a larger meaning in life.

15. Transforms me into a different and better person.

17. Enables me to adopt a larger perspective, to see the “big

picture.”

22. Is an opportunity to gain wisdom and knowledge. Slide38

To Forgive Or Not To Forgive?Williamson, I., & Gonzales, M. H. (2007)

Relief of Psychological Pain Subscale

2. Relieves the sadness I feel.

4. Eliminates the discomfort (e.g. pain, sadness, anger) I feel

whenever I see the other person.

10. Helps me to feel happier in general. Slide39

Areas Which Hinder Forgiveness

Black and white thinking

Cognitive Inflexibility

Lack of empathy

Lack of putting things in context

Lack of willingness to abandon one’s point of view

A strict method of justice, grace, etc.

Those who ruminate and justify resentment, anger, bitterness, etc.Slide40

Mechanisms Involved In Forgiveness

Approaching

- the offense

Avoiding

- the negative rumination, revenge and bitterness which keeps someone “bound”Slide41

Five Elements of Effective Forgiveness Therapies:Blocher

, W.G., & Wade, N. G., 2010

Clarification and distinction between forgiveness and excusing or Condoning

Recalling hurt- telling stories anew

Helping the offended have empathy for their offenders

Acknowledging one’s own offenses

Choosing to forgiveSlide42

Forgiveness Focused Marriage Counseling:

Stage one

- 6 months or less

Willing to learn, psychoeducation

Stage 2

- more than 6 months

Being able to express dissatisfaction

Live together happily but can be easily offended sometimes

Stage 3

- strong conflict over 6 months

Severe anxiety, reprehension, power struggles

Stage Four

Anxiety, power struggles to such a degree considering separation and divorce

Marriage is over

 

1&2- Seeking ways to communicate

3&4- Tendency to negotiate and terminateSlide43

Forgiveness Centered Models Of Couples Therapy: 8 Session Model- Navidian

, A., &

Bahari

, F., 2013

 Introduction to the problem conceptualization, therapeutic alliance, joining with the couple

Assessment of the problem pre-test and evaluation before intervention

Introducing cognitive principles- irrational beliefs, distortion, unhealthy behavior reactions as well as solution focused approaches

Introducing forgiveness as a healing behavior

Decisional forgiveness- forgiveness barriers, assignments and behavioral goals

Strengthening bonds with your faulty partner- asking for forgiveness, exploring and overcoming resentment, exercising freedom in forgiveness

Right and wrong ways of forgiving: cheap forgiveness versus genuine forgiveness

Sustaining changes- How to incorporate principles of hope therapySlide44

Hope-focused Marriage Enrichment(Ripley,J.S

. &

Worthington,E.L

., Jr.- 2002)

1. Teach clients to promote at least a 5 to 1 positive to negative interaction ratio.

2. Teach empathy- First person speaks followed by a valuing empathy statement of the second person before second person responds.

3. LOVE- L=listen to your partner

O=observe your effects on your partner

V=value your partner

E=evaluate common interests

4.Incorporate intimacy building exercises (e.g. Gestalt moving closer, solution focused interchanges and valuing statements)

5. Coupes write a love letter to each other.Slide45

Empathy-Centered Forgiveness-Based Intervention(Ripley,J.S

. &

Worthington,E.L

., Jr.- 2002)

Five parts:

1.

Empathize

with the offender to promote forgiveness.

2.

Humility

(choice of the offended) as the offended recalls times when he/she has received forgiveness from the person who offended them.

3.

Shift

from blame and resentment to willingness to forgive.

4.

Commitment

aloud to forgive the offender.

5.

Maintenance

- discussion of how the offender may prove him/herself on an ongoing basis.

Slide46

Developing An Attitude of Humility

“ I see my offender’s motivations and understand his or her point of view. I feel what he or she might have been feeling. Further, I have felt similar feelings. I see that I have done things or wanted to do things as wicked as the other person. In those instances of my own weakness, I would like to have forgiveness extended to me. I want mercy for my own foibles. Who am I to demand justice for this person when I want mercy for myself? I know that the other person is needy. I want to help this person. I want to release him or her from the hate, anger, and desire for retribution that I feel. That is the decent thing to do. That is the right thing to do.”Slide47

Empathy-Centered Forgiveness-Based Intervention- Continued

Therapeutic Tasks

:

Ask each person in the family or group or relationship to describe from his/her point of view and facilitate hearing and empathy by others

Follow up with assisting others to think based on the initial comments about what may please the first communicator (perspective taking)

Help the “group” speak to common feelings and perception

Facilitate each admitting his/her part and verbalizing commitment to ongoing healthy relationshipSlide48

Attachment Theory Models of Forgiveness(Lawler-Row, K.A., Younger, J.W.,

Piferi

, R.L, & Jones, W.H.- 2006

Secure attachment styles associated with forgiveness.

Linked to degree to which people can:

Tolerate negative affect

Experience pain

Communicate feelings

Reframe the offender

Have better internal emotional regulation

Demonstrate broader emotional expressiveness

Have less idealized expectations and more flexibility in relationship interactions

Insecurely attached: avoidance, difficulty working through the relationship, physiological problemsSlide49

The Empathic Dialectical Reframing Model(Berecz

, J.M.-2001)

Three “R”s

:

Rapport

Reframing

ReleaseSlide50

Empathic Dialectical Reframing Model (Continued)

Rapport

Counselor’s responsibilities are strong here- counselor as psychoeducational teacher

Counselor to teach idea of “empathy as dialectic imagination”- talk to client about learning a way of moving away from self perception being applied onto other (transgressor) toward reaching outward toward other instead

Counselor to teach empathy and perspective taking skills and move client away from chronic self focus inwardSlide51

Empathic Dialectical Reframing Model (Continued)

Reframing

Assist one of the parties in making a statement to break the cycle of

unforgiveness

and selfish (e.g. “I know we have recently not been understanding each other very well but I would like for us to try and hear each other better so we can have a more peaceful home.”)

Reframing in terms of a cooperative problem solving solution-focused team venture.Slide52

Empathic Dialectical Reframing Model (Continued)

Release

NOTE

:

Berecz

talks of “release” instead of “reconciliation”

Belief that in some cases it may be “psychologically harmful” to try and reconcile (repeated infidelity of a spouse, abuse, addiction)

Allows for disjunctive forgiveness whereby the offended can “accept” the understanding of the personhood, context, and personality issues of the transgressor but the offended can move on without letting them have a hold on the hurt party.

Releasing bitterness even if there will never be reconciliation or if the offender never repents or apologizes.

Helpful when the transgressor refuses to change his or her ways and sees nothing wrong even when you know what the offender did was wrong.Slide53

Contextual Therapy(Murray,R.J.-2002, based on Hargrave, T.D.-1994)

Four Stations

Station 1 &2 =

Exoneration

(attempts at removing culpability and ending condemnation toward the wrongdoer)

1)

Insight

Understanding of possible casual factors

Minimizes future damage in relationship

Looks at objective facts

2)

Understanding

The wrongdoers limitations, development, efforts, and possible intents

Placing things in larger context

Looks at subjective experiences and motivational factorsSlide54

Contextual Therapy Continued

Station 3 & 4=

Forgiveness

(actions regarding responsibility, wrongdoer admitting his/her part and trust being re-established)

3)

Opportunity for Compensation

Re-entering the relationship in a new way

Victim must agree to have the pain addressed by the perpetrator and allow self to be healed

Victim must decide if he/she is willing to trust the perpetrator and to what degree in the future

Addressing interactional systems patternsSlide55

Contextual Therapy Continued

4)

Overt Forgiving

Relational ethics applied- what entitled to receive versus what obligated to give

Defining what the relationship will look like from hereSlide56

Intentional Forgiving(Ferch, S.R.- Summer1998)

Largely cognitive based

Primary burden placed on the counselor as facilitator and educator

Forgiveness seen as an act of the will by the client and a deliberate decision to work through emotions and have mutual respect for the other person

Does not necessarily have to involve the offender but seen as more successful if it does involve the offender

Two phases

:

1) PsychoeducationSlide57

Intentional Forgiving

Phase One: Psychoeducation

Considered the preliminary work

Counselor responsible for setting the client up and assisting him/her in understanding the work of forgiveness

Forgiveness framed as a choice

Reconciliation seen as possible and intentional when it wound be healthySlide58

Intentional Forgiving

Steps of Phase One

:

1) Teach client that forgiveness is a choice.

2) Frame as a process.

3) Assist the client in receiving the offense. Forgive because you will remember the offense. Allow and facilitate grief and mourning.

4) Forgive for yourself, not the offender.

5) Help the client conceptualize forgiveness in light of both mercy and justice.

6) Help client understanding and differentiate between the intent of a person and his/her actions and to consider possible positive intent.

7) Help the client permit the re-evaluation and modification of relationship when necessary.Slide59

Intentional Forgiving Continued:Face To Face Interactions With The Offender

Steps of Phase Two:

1) can be phone call or letter or in person

2) not for use with possible re-offenders

3) not for use if offender does not seem to buy into tenants of intentional forgiveness

4) use body language and positioning- facing each other, open posture, welcoming facial expressions, and calm open tones of voice

5) assist the client in naming the offender’s behavior while assisting the offender in listening (do not allow for excuses)

6) be directive toward the client’s engaging the offender’s care, concern, and loving expression toward the client

7) help the offender ask forgiveness directly

8) help the client respond specifically by offering forgiveness

9) teach less defensive ways of communication between the two parties (e.g. I statements)

10) use therapeutic touch and positioning between the parties when appropriate to affirm closeness again and openness to redeveloping sense of “us”Slide60

Enright & Fitzgibbons Studies: Process Model

Four stages of forgiveness:

1) Uncovering

2) Decision

3) Work

4) Outcome

Uncovering

- explore past grievances and areas that need forgiveness, regrets, and disappointments

Decisions

- Examine the consequences of holding on to past hurts versus letting them go

Work stage

- Helping process with the client the thoughts, feelings, and images regarding forgiveness of the key issue(s)

Outcome

- Create a ritual between the client and other for providing closure to this process and plan for dealing with things from hereSlide61

General Findings: Process-Based Theories

Earlier stages in most developmental theories= cognitive focused but advanced stages of forgiveness require empathy and emotion-based techniques.

Meta-Analysis Studies

Strictly cognitive (decision based and will power enhancing) approaches are not enough and did not produce authentic forgiveness or maintain gains in the long term. However, process-based techniques (both individuals and group) showed extremely large effect sizes in meta-analysis studies. Need for techniques combining cognitive and affective/emotive techniques.

Systems theories also facilitated forgiveness and showed greater outcomes, likely related to the degree of perspective taking incorporated.Slide62

Self Forgiveness: The Tyrannical Shoulds

 

I am unworthy

What I’ve done is too bad

Forgiveness was too cheap because I didn’t pay enough price for what I did

I’m not sure I can do enough to undo bad effects of my behavior or make it better.

If only _____, then ______

Shoulds

, musts

Have to

“Creation of internal idols”

Solution: Freedom from shame through separation of behavior from personhood Slide63

Defining Shame

Subjective emotion

Linked to perception of identity

Narrowly focused

Automatic emotional reaction

Habitual

Loss of context

Paralysis, feeling immobilized

Desperate behaviorSlide64

Defining Shame

Inner perception of inadequacy

Belief that one is inherently flawed and imperfect

A premise that it is impossible for someone to love me as defective as I am.

A belief that if I feel less than who I should be and I don’t measure up than others must think so too

Self conscious emotion

Emotions which requires self awareness (includes shame)

Negative, global stable and controllable erroneous attributesSlide65

Defining Shame

Fear of disrepute

Concerning something one is ashamed of

Keeping things secret

Necessitates a cover up

Unstable trust and security

A sense of disappointment in oneself

Promotes becoming a false seSlide66

What All Shame Based Relationships Have in Common

Control and chaos

Mysterious happenings- how did we get here to this point?

Verbal comments related to hopeless helpless feelings

Nonverbal postures of giving up- averted gaze, slumped over, shrugged shoulders etc.

Lack of resolution

Resentment

Ambiguity, no clear rules

Unspoken guidelines

Game playing or passive underlying threads to be figured outSlide67

Curse Full Relationships

VanVonderen

, J., 1992, p.27

C

- Controlling

U

- Unforgiving

R

- Reactive

S

- Shaming

E

- Ego-Driven

Controlling

- My self esteem is based on what you do or don’t do for me.

Unforgiving

- Through Not forgiving I can maintain the upper hand, holding onto punishment and resentment.

Reactive

- I cannot choose how I respond to you because you “make” me act a certain way and I have excuses for my reactions.

Shaming

- I can play God and it is my responsibility to place myself above others. If you’d only do the right things, I’ll be happy.

Ego Driven

- I want things to happen a certain way so others can think well of me.Slide68

TIRED

VanVonderen

, J., 1992, p.33

Trapped

- No win situation, never good enough

Indicted

- Reminded of one’s inadequacies

Responsibility

- the weight of the world is on my shoulders

Exposed

- Scrutinizing every behavior

Defensive

- If only thinkingSlide69

Empty people cannot fill other empty people. They merely look as though they can fill empty people

.Slide70

Shame Versus Guilt

Shame

Guilt

Visual

Auditory

Perception

Behaviors, evidence

Hiding, Concealment

Confession, atonement

Split self identity

Action

Failure to meet expectations

Interpersonal transgressionSlide71

A Parable: The prisoner in the dark Cave (Bradshaw, J., 1988, 150-151)

There was once a man who was sentenced to die. He was blindfolded and put in a pitch black cave. The cave was one hundred yards aby one hundred yards. He was told there was a way out of the cave, and if he could find it, he was a free man.

After a rock was secured at the entrance to the cave, the prisoner was allowed to take the blindfold off and roam freely in the darkness. He was to be fed only bread and water for the first thirty days and nothing thereafter. The bread and water were lowered from a small hole in the roof at the south end of the cave. The ceiling was about eighteen feet high. The opening was about one foot in diameter. The prisoner could see a fat light up above, but no light came into the cave.Slide72

A Parable: The prisoner in the dark Cave

As the prisoner roamed and crawled around the cave, he bumped into rocks. Some were rather large. He thought that if he could build a mound of rocks and dirt that was high enough, he could reach the opening and enlarge it enough to crawl through and escape. Since he was five feet, nine inches and his reach was another two feet, the mound had to be at least ten feet high.

So the prisoner spent his waking hours picking up rocks and digging up dirt. At the end of two weeks, he had built a mound of about six feet. He thought that if he could duplicate that in the next two weeks, he could make it before his food ran out. But as he already used most of the rocks in the cave, he had to dig harder and harder. He had to do the digging with his bare hands. After a month had passed, the mound was nine and one half feet high and he could almost reach the opening if he jumped. He was almost exhausted and extremely weak.Slide73

A Parable: The prisoner in the dark Cave

One day, just as he thought he could reach the opening, he fell. He was simply too weak to get up, and in two days he died. His captors came up to get his body. They rolled away the huge rock that covered the entrance. As the light flooded into the cave, it illuminated an opening in the wall of the cave about three feet in circumference.

It was the opening to a tunnel that led to the other side of the mountain. This was the passage to freedom the prisoner had been told about. It was in the south wall, directly under the opening in the ceiling. All the prisoner would have to do was crawl about two hundred feet and he would have found freedom. He had so completely focused on the light that it never occurred to him to look for freedom in the

darkess

. Liberation was there all the time, right next to the mound he was building, but it was in darkness.Slide74

Fear

To be alive again

To live to the fullest

Not so much what has happened already but more what could happen if life was different

Not good enough- rejection, lack of acceptance

Falling short

Not making others happySlide75

What are you eating?

Others opinions- constant trying

Mental preoccupation

Struggle- self goals (hope) vs. people pleasing

“If you eat all their emotional garbage, it becomes your emotional garbage. But if you do not take it personally, you are immune in the middle of hell.”

(p. 49, Ruiz, D.M.)Slide76

What are You Feeding On?

“Before we can make deep changes in our lives, we have to look into our diet, our way on consuming. We have to live in such a way that we stop consuming the things that poison and intoxicate us. Then, we will have the strength to allow the best in us to arise, and we will no longer be victims of anger, of frustration.”

(Hanh, T., N, 2004)Slide77

Take nothing personally

Brings freedom

Consideration of other options and explanations

Application of cognitive debating strategies

A guarded heart

Inner contentment that is not determined by people and circumstances

Is what you’re doing working?

Where will you be in 1 month? 6 months? 1 year/years from now if you continue?Slide78

Family of Origin Messages

Be good, right, strong, and perfect.

Shut up and don’t speak.

Don’t rock the boat.

Don’t share your opinions.

Be numb.

Be careful.

Be blind to mixed expectations.

What matters most is everyone else- not you.Slide79

Family Rules of Shame Based Systems

Be in control at all time of all behavior

Think in terms of if only ____, then _______.

Deny feelings, especially unpleasant ones.

Don’t even try to figure out the environment around you because it will change.

Expect unreliability and change.

Don’t think.

Don’t feel.

Don’t be who you are- be good, right, strong and perfect.Slide80

Poisonous Messages of Childhood

(Bradshaw, J., 1988, p. 63-64)

Adults are the masters of the dependent child.

They determine in godlike fashion wat is right and what is wrong.

The child is held responsible for their parents’ anger.

The parents must always be shielded.

The child’s life affirming feelings pose a threat to the parent.

The child’s will must be “broken” a soon as possible.

All this must happen at a very early age so that the child “won’t notice” and will therefore not be able to expose the adult.Slide81

The “Good’ Child (Brown, B., 2012, p. 52-53)

:

Never inconveniences parents

Never embarrasses or disappoints parents

Never has personal needs

Knows how to do everything correctly without being taught

Never has a critical or separate thought

Never loses (except when competing with a parent)

Never gets less than an A for any reason

Thrives on instability chaos and pain

Does everything parents ask joyfully, instantly, and perfectly

Never remembers anything but the happy times

Emotions are unnecessary burdensSlide82

Shame Is Part of Early Learning as a Toddler

Hangs head

Avoids eyes contact

Stop smiling

Stops all activity

Rage against other who humiliated them

Lack of empathy for others

Fear of accepting help

Discomfort asking questions

Anxious about therapy

Straightforward, direct communication is difficult

Fear of new skills produces failure

Lies, excuses, distortions- indirectSlide83

Other Side Effects of Shame: Thought Addiction

Mental preoccupation

If the other person place or thing only would ____, then I could _____...

Trying to sort through painful emotions

An attempt to avoid feelings associated with shameSlide84

Cognitive Behavioral Strategies

Shoulds

If only

___, then

___.

Have

tos

Absolutes: good/bad

Right/wrong

Success/failure

Teach the cycle of feelings, thoughts/beliefs, intensified feelings, missed goals, and toxic behaviors.

Help the client identify his/her irrational misbeliefs.

Teach cognitive debating strategies.

Develop specific healthy renewed thoughts/beliefs and behaviors which will indirectly assist with overcoming feelings of defeat, lack of control, etc.Slide85

Cognitive Behavioral Principles

Continuing to elicit negative thoughts and record more helpful ways of thinking about situations, self and others to influence emotion positively.

Reviewing thoughts, particularly expectations for self and ‘

shoulds

’ rather than ‘wants’.

Identifying rules for living and examining their helpfulness.

Identifying unhelpful thinking styles that lower mood. Encouraging the client to analyze thoughts and then step back from them.

Reviewing alternative explanations for negative automatic thoughts.

Conducting behavioral experiments to help increase believability of alternative thoughts.

Listing goals with an emphasis on own needs and expectations.Slide86

Thinking Error Types

1)

Awfulizing/Catastrophizing

- Predicting only negative outcomes for the future: “ ____ is awful, terrible, catastrophic or as bad as it could possibly be”, “If ___ happens my life is over.”

2)

Disqualifying/Discounting

- Overlooking the positive and only seeing the negative, believing that good things don’t count: “I am sure even when my family complimented me they had to because they are my relatives. They had to be nice.”

3)

All or nothing

- Viewing the situation on one end of extremes: “If my boss corrects me I must be the worst employee”, “If my child does something wrong I failed as a parent”, “If I didn’t pass one exam I am an unsuccessful student.”

4

Low Frustration Tolerance

- Belief that things should not be inconvenient: “I can’t stand _____” ; “_____ is too much and is intolerable or unbearable.”Slide87

Thinking Error Types

5)

Self Downing

- Self deprecating thoughts: “I am no good, worthless, useless, and utter failure, beyond hope or help, devoid of value.”

6)

Other downing

- Derogatory beliefs about others: “You are no good, worthless, useless, an utter failure, beyond hope, of no value.”

7)

Emotional reasoning

- Letting emotions totally overrule facts to the contrary: “I feel as if everyone is talking about me.”

8)

Labeling

- Giving a label or stereotype without testing beliefs out:” All of them are like that.”

9)

Mind reading

- Trying to predict things based on limited aspects of a situation: “ I know they will think I’m poor because I can’t afford the latest clothes.”Slide88

Thinking Error Types

10)

Overgeneralization

- Making broad conclusions about an event based on limited information: “My husband doesn’t love me because he is always busy when I am around.”

11)

Personalization

- Assuming that others behaviors are all about you: “My wife is quiet. Something must be on her mind.”

12)

Shoulds

/musts

- Having an absolute concrete standard about how things ought to be: “ Successful people in life only get As in school.”Slide89

Cognitive Debating Strategies

Is this a fact/strong opinion?

What evidence is there for this? Any evidence against this?

Alternative explanations that are more reasonable/possible?

Is there another way of feeling or thinking?

What would someone else make of this situation?

What advice would I give someone else?

Is this a type of unhelpful thinking habits?

Is this an automatic thought?Slide90

Cognitive Debating Strategies

What am I actually reacting to?

Am I getting anything out of proportion?

What harm has actually been done?

Am I overestimating the bad? The danger?

Am I underestimating my ability to cope?

Am I going to a negative automatic place?

How is pressuring myself or others helping me get through this?

Just because I feel bad is it really bad?

Are things really totally black or white- as clear cut as I am making them?

Can there be more than one solution to this problem?Slide91

Cognitive Debating Strategies

Is believing this life giving or death producing?

How important is this really?

How will things be in 1 week? 1 month? 6 months? 1 year? If I continue thinking or behaving this way?

What would happen if I tried to see this situation as an outside observer? How would things look? Would things have a different meaning?

What is the bigger picture?Slide92

Changing Distortions

Type of Thinking

Negative Impact

Replacement

All or nothing

Discouragement,

No middle ground

Continuum thinking

Overgeneralization

Makes all problems last forever

Focus on the here and now

Negativity

Makes the positive impossible

Appreciate the positives

Discounting the positive

Eliminates real joy in the present

Purposely find and enjoy the positivesSlide93

Changing Distortions

Jumping to Conclusions

Anger, anxiety, depression

Consider all possibilities

Predictions

Dread, disaster, panic

Stay in the present

Mind reading

Anxiety, sadness, anger, assumptions

Clear communication

Magnification

Treating people unfairly

See strengths in self and others

Emotional reasoning

Upsetting judgments made without evidence

Listdn

to your head and heartSlide94

Changing Distortions

Shoulds

Discouragement at self, anger at others

Bring expectations in line with reality

Labeling

Discouragement at self, anger at others

Stick to specific circumstances

Blame

Discouragement at self, anger at others

Stick to specific circumstancesSlide95

Challenging Attributions

1) Am I ascribing something like “This situation happened because ______?”

2)Am I making a judgment about another person’s personality because of this event? What am I telling myself about what this means? (Because this happened, it means---)

3) Am I using adjectives to describe the other person’s personality, intentions rather than simply describing the behavior? (e.g. “You are always so lazy. You never care about our house.” versus “I am concerned about the amount of cleaning we still have to do. I realize we have busy tiring jobs but I am wondering how we plan to get the dishes done and get our things set up for tomorrow plus help the kids to finish their homework. How do we plan to get to divide these things up- any ideas?”)Slide96

Challenging Attributions

4) Is the way I’m thinking about this definitely 100% a fact?

5) Is there any other way of looking at the situation? Come up with at least three exceptions.

6) Have I assumed that because something is (perceived by me to be) such and such way that I am powerless over it? Slide97

Attributions Exercises

1) My spouse came home late two days this week. His clothes were a little disheveled looking- he must be having an affair.

2) My wife was supposed to meet me for the romantic dinner. She was ½ hour late and did not call me. When I saw her I had to yell at her because I knew she did not make our dinner a priority.

3) My coworker left a pile of unfinished work on her desk. It must be that she is lazy and planned to have me do all her dirty work.Slide98

Keys To Shame Resilience

The ability to recognize and understand shame triggers

High levels of critical awareness about shame triggers.

Willingness to reach out to others

Ability to speak shame- put hurt and pains into wordsSlide99

Exercise Into Shame Triggers

:

I want others to think, feel, perceive _____ about me.

I DO NOT want others to think, feel, perceive _____ about me.

Who benefits from my expectations?

How realistic are they?

If they are not life giving but are death producing and discouraging how can I continue to tell myself them?

Do the expectations conflict with each other?

Is my identity focused on what I truly want or what I think or what others want for me?

What would be the worst thing about if someone perceives my identity differently than I do? How will I handle it?

What can I really control about what people think of me?

What can I really control about what happens to me?Slide100

Examples of Shame

An older person going back to school to learn skills and advance at work but feels out of place about not being up to date on latest technology

A doctor blaming a parent for not watching enough or taking care enough since the child got an infection.

Someone telling a mom who missing here daughter who did that the mom should not grieve because we all know she is in a better place.

Someone in a long lasting marriage who has stuck it out does not understand why divorced single parent juggling everything in life cannot just work through it.

A man who is ashamed to say his wife got a DUI and is an alcoholic.

A person is ashamed to say that their family member is in jail for a crime when asked where he is and how he is doing.

A person who is consumed with an addiction does not want anyone to know the amount of time they spend on that.Slide101

Examples of Shame

A woman who has postpartum depression has intrusive unwanted thoughts regarding hurting her kids since her postpartum depression is worse.

A spouse hides at home alone not wanting anyone to know that the reasons the spouse died was for suicide.

A family keeps secrets to protect the fact that they will never know how that relative died.

A middle aged adult struggles to find employment because he/she never graduated from high school.

A woman struggles to trust anyone because she has been raped

A person who has made many mistakes in life but as now changes his/her ways fears that others will always know and remember w he she used to be.Slide102

Examples of Shame

Something happened that wasn’t supposed to happen to me as I was a good, ethical moral nice person. I dot deserve this. What did I do so bad to deserve this?

A person tries to open up to talk about certain things with others but feels like everyone is tired of hearing her.

Someone tries to guess what she should and should not say around others so as to not rock the boat.

A woman feels out of place when others tease her about the years passing and her not having children as she struggles with infertility.

Everyone around you thinks you are an amazing person juggling tasks that would be hard for anyone to manage. However inside you know how inadequate you feel. Slide103

Building Empathy: Your Connection Network

Who gives empathy and support?

Who keeps the shame going?

How do you build empathy with others?Slide104

Principles of The Fire

“If your house is on fire, the most urgent thing to do is to go back and try to put out the fire, not to run after the person you believe to be the arsonist. If you run after the person you suspect has burned your house, your house will burn down while you are chasing him or her. That is nor the action of a wise person. You must go back and put out the fire. When you are angry, if you continue to interact with or argue with the other person, if you try to punish hi m or her, you are acting exactly like someone who runs after the arsonist while their home goes up in flames.”

(Hanh, T., N, 2004)Slide105

What People On Receiving End Can Do

Affirming mattering

Normalizing emotions

Allowing other to have a voice

Communication game: You feel _____ when _____ happened and in the future you’d like ____.

(get 3 yes answers indicates understanding/empathy)Slide106

Dealing with Offenses: Both Offender and Offended

“A preacher put this question to a class of children: “If all the people in the world were red and all the bad people were green, what color would you be?” Little Linda Jean thought mightily for a moment. Then her face brightened and she replied: Reverend, I’d be streaky.”

Kurtz, E. & Ketcham, K., 1992, p. 56

“It is only by ceasing to play God, by coming to terms with errors ad shortcomings, and by accepting the inability to control every aspect of their lives that[we can] find the peace and serenity that things like alcohol, drugs, sex, money, materialism, possessions, power, money, privilege, etc. promise but never deliver.”

Kurtz, E. & Ketcham, K., 1992Slide107

Undoing Shame In Relationships- Behavior Requests

“If you are capable of writing or saying these three sentences, you are capable of true love. You are using the authentic language. “Darling, I suffer, and I want you to know it. Darling, I am doing my best. I’m not trying to blame anyone, including you. Since we are so close to each other, since we have made a commitment to each other, I feel I need your support and your help to get out of this state of suffering, of anger.” Using the three sentences to communicate with the other person can quickly reassure and relieve him or her. The way you handle your anger will inspire a lot of confidence and respect in the other person and in yourself. This is not very difficult to do.”

(Hanh, T., N, 2004)Slide108

Healthy Family relationship messages

You can be who you are.

You are allowed to just be a child.

You do not exist to just please me.

You can develop at your own personal pace and style.

You can ask for what you need.

You can try out new things.

You can express the full range of feelings, thoughts, and opinions.

You are worth someone being there for you.Slide109

Healthy Shame/Guilt

Permission to be wholly human

Ability to be perfectly imperfect

Freedom to ask for help to get needs met

Balanced autonomySlide110

Coping With The Shame Emotionally

“Our body is impermanent, our emotions are impermanent, and our perceptions are impermanent. Our anger, our sadness, our love, our hatred, and our consciousness are also impermanent.”

(Hanh, T., N, 2004)Slide111

Seven Mistakes and Fixes-Schwirzer, J.J.

Problems

Fixes

Criticism:

Proportion of negatives to positives, positive thoughts must be held to memory for 1 seconds to become integrated

Affirmation:

5 to 1 or 10 to one affirmations to criticisms

Complaining

: pointing out and dwelling on the negative

Gratitude

: thankfulness, finding the good

Self pity

: playing the victim

Taking responsibility

: making amends

Worry

: fight or flight, constant readiness for action

Trust

: Lessen worry time by solution focused active methods of remembering the goodSlide112

Seven Mistakes and Fixes-Schwirzer, J.J.

Problems

Fixes

Avoidance: not doing what one knows to do

Action: use your will to choose the good

Emotionalism: reacting based on memories linked to a feeling (in absence of evidence)

Reason: Cognitive debating strategies

Bitterness:

overprocessing

pain

Forgiveness: choice to let go of the painSlide113

Forgiveness and Disease (Elliott, B. A., 2011; Green, M., Decourville, N., &

Sadava

, S., 2012)

:

Unforgiveness

increases the inflammatory response

Releases high levels of cortisol so body is in action mode like there is a real and present threat

All parts of the body are affected (heart, sleep, digestion, mood)

True forgiveness must not involve simply cognitive decision (least effective) but also emotional forgiveness- thinking differently about the offender and the offense

Higher levels of forgiveness= Better cardio functioning, improved endocrine and immune systemsSlide114

Four Phases in Forgiveness:

Uncovering as person

= aware of probes and pain

Deciding

- must be an alternative

Working

: reframing in terms of empathy and acceptance

Deepening

- new meaning and conceptualizationSlide115

REACH Approach:

R Recall the hurt

E Empathize with the offender

A Give an altruistic gift of forgiveness

C Commit to the forgiveness experience

H Hold onto forgiveness even when doubt arisesSlide116

Across the literature when people are surveyed willingness to forgive is almost always one of top ten things named as strengths in relationships and promoting relationship health.Slide117

Forgiveness determined to be central in:

Abuse trauma recovery

Incest recovery

Terminal illnesses

Men affected by their partners having an abortion

Cancer

Substance abusers

Affairs and infidelitySlide118

Definitions

“letting go of bad feelings”

“No longer feeling destructive things inside”

“Choosing to be healthy regardless of what has been done to you”

“Moving on with life”Slide119

Forgiveness in Death and Dying

Needed by many hospice patients for closure

More than 85% of patients needed it to move on

End of life issues bring out need for forgiveness

What people need mostSlide120

Forgiveness in Death and Dying

Love

Affirmation

Gratitude

Knowing they will be missed

Reassurance

Hanging on

Letting go

See you again

Forgiveness

Apology

Seeing forgiveness

Offense by family memberSlide121

Stages of Change:

Pre-contemplation

- no behavior change intended in next 6 months

Contemplation

- change intended within next 6 months, not within next 30 days

Preparation

-Change is intended in next 30 days and some actions made

Action

- change is implemented but not yet maintained for more than 6 months

Maintenance

- change is kept up for 6 months or moreSlide122

Decisional Versus Emotional Forgiveness

Decisions less effective in western cultures that prize individualism

More valued in collectivist cultures that value collective Slide123

Two Aspects of Genuine Forgiveness

Cognitive change

Behavior change

Within both is not genuine forgiveness

Cognitive= a knowledge that I am forgiven and forgive others

Behavioral= Choosing to do different things that breed security, hope, accountability, etc.

Trauma, conflict, anxiety, resentment will not lessen if both are not in place because the offended will not think he or she can really take the other seriouslySlide124

Developing Narratives

Use the words “grief accounts” instead of “grief stories”

Assist in meeting roles of: mourning and returning to life

Practice grief (ex: self eulogy, reality- beginning, middle, and end of stories)

Restorative narrative- should be designed to fix, cure, and heal

By end of story should be some new activities aimed at coping with the grief in productive waysSlide125

Good Grieving- TherapyAltmaier, E. M. (January 2011)

Larsen, D.,

Edey

, W., Lemay, L. (December 2007).

Grief as part of the human experience rather than as something to be mended

Focus on good which comes out of bad

Solution focus

Addresses: images and thoughts, separation, grief feelings

Trust to allow the story to come forth

Increased sense of spirituality or good in spite of loss

Instills hope- the story is ongoing- 15%Slide126

Feelings To Deal With

Anger

Hurt or pain

Betrayal

Sadness

Confusion Bewilderment

Upset

Disappointed/let down

Hatred

Frustration

DepressionSlide127

Feelings To Deal With

Identify The Client’s Feelings As you see them in each scenario.

1) I can’t believe that my friend who I’ve known since childhood did that! After all those years I never would have guessed. I thought I knew him better. How can I ever trust him again when I didn’t even see this coming?Slide128

Feelings To Deal With

2) I thought my home would be a safe place but I found out it wasn’t. If it wasn’t for my mom’s boyfriends coming in and having their way with me then it was the domestic fights between my mom and dad. And I never got the opportunity to live in a quiet, safe neighborhood either. If not violence inside there were random gunshots and crimes outside. I never knew where I was safe . I still don’t know what safe is. How will I ever know? Life is awful and unsafe. No one can be trusted. And trying to be the good kid in school and at home doesn’t help either. Even if you study hard, clean your room and behave you are abused. Life is unfair and cruelSlide129

Feelings To Deal With

3) I can never do things right. I tried so hard but it seems I always fail. I put my all into things but they don’t work out.

4) She was never there for me but she was my mom after all. I had to raise myself . Even as a young child I cooked food and took care of my brothers and sisters while she was out on the streets doing her thing. I cleaned the house so no one could tell how bad things really were. I had to grow up before my time. I never got to be a kid. Why did mom get to do what she pleased but I had to be the grown up she wasn’t acting like a grown up herself? Now I missed out on so much and I’m angry and bitter. Slide130

Feelings To Deal With

5) My biological parents gave me up for adoption. Now they want to meet me. They said they were young and did what they believed was the best chance for me in life. But growing up not knowing who you really are or why you are unwanted does not feel like the best chance to me. They expect me to just forgive and move on though I went through so much self doubt, rejection, abandonment. They were living their lives . They didn’t try. They didn’t make me a priority.Slide131

Feelings To Deal With

6) My bosses are always against me. I have been on 20 jobs in the last year and they always find something to fire me for. They let other people get away with things but not me. I’m sure my next boss will just be the same. You can only get ahead in life if you are the best friend of the company owner.

7) Every day it is another surprise. All my friends are dying. I have one loss after another. Life gives me more than my share of issues. There is no end in sight. Other people get a break but not me. I guess some people just get lucky and some people never get anything. Slide132

Offenses and ChildrenMcAdams III, C. R., Dewell, J. A., & Holman, A. R.

Children are egocentric

Children react by becoming erratic and disorganized

Possibility of long term adjustment problems including reactive attachment disorder

Testing security and trust in all relationships

Internalized rage- behavioral problemsSlide133

Clinical Issues: Forgiveness With Children

1)

Feelings Faces

identifying feelings

play therapies- drawing self- highlighting where angry, anxious

fearful,etc

.

normalizing (work with collateral sources)

expressing feelings in appropriate ways

(e.g. “I Messages”)

behavioral therapies

2)

Feelings Box

special place for kids to put feelings and concerns in and then discuss in therapySlide134

Clinical Issues: Forgiveness With Children

3)

Behavioral relaxation

for physical tensions

4)

Mutual Storytelling

- Help child to tell story with the characters and feelings but reframe as ongoing as still shaped by certain factors in child’s control, writing book of techniques learned in counseling

4)

Sentence completion exercises

re. worries, fears, wishes, etc. then use cognitive-behavioral to process through Slide135

WATCH WHERE YOU PUT YOUR BUTS:

Unpleasant feelings BUT Positive self statement,

Concerns Strengths based comment

Worries

Irrational thoughts

Questions/DoubtsSlide136

Clinical Christian & Pastoral Counseling Approaches

Pierre Balthasar (2007):

Father Images and God Images

Those with inadequate father/parental/guardian images struggled with the God aspect of forgiveness and believing that they could hand over control to someone who would be just, caring, and merciful.

Highlights importance of context in therapy

Incorporate family systems and healing of childhood wounds in therapy for these individuals (e.g. LSQ)Slide137

The Core Issue: DifferentiationHill, W.E., Hasty, C., And Moore, C. J. (2011)

Differentiation:

The ability to connect with others without being emotionally too reactive or defensive

Connection with self regulation (no extremes of accommodating or disconnecting- codependency)

Interdependence

Placing situations in context

Not taking everything personally

Ability to tolerate ambiguity

Forgiveness as process

Humility and brokenness with empathy for the offender

Predictive of less anxiety and depression, less psychological problems Slide138

Four Types of Reactions to Offenses

Dr. Janis

Abrahms

-Spring (2004) Page10Slide139

Cheap Forgiveness

Individuals quickly do an action to behaviorally seem as if they have absolved someone but does nothing to foster genuine interpersonal healing and improved relational dynamics

Considered inauthentic, cover for hatred and contempt and other emotions not dealt with

Premature

No processing of emotions

Common among those who want to keep relationship at any cost:

(E.g. Overly compliant, conflict avoiders, codependent caretakers)

Can lead to moral superiority

May set hurt party up for health and emotional problemsSlide140

Refusing To Forgive

When you think forgiveness is not possible without reconciliation

To send a clear signal that you won’t accept a violation

Control and punishment based

Fosters sense of impotence and invulnerability

Common in people with all or nothing polarized thinkingSlide141

Acceptance

Feels all the emotions and does not bypass the emotional work of the wounded party

Promotes healthy self care- overcome revenge, ensuring your safety, restoring self worth, resisting obsession

Especially when the offender is not an active part of healing process

When reconciliation is not healthy or possible

Able to empathize with the offender

Looks at both parties parts in thingsSlide142

Genuine Forgiveness

“An intimate dance between offender and the offended”

Offender recognizes and verbalizes need to be forgiven

Each takes responsibility for his or her part

To assess the injury together and reprocess

Not just automatic but is work and is earned, conditional

Offender express genuine remorse and specific plan to avoid behavior in the future

Offender hears the depth of the pain caused and listens to the offended then works to make amends and get the relationship back on track

Allows for detailed discussion of all parts of the pain without debating or cutting off or correcting the other’s experience/perception

Involves behavioral requests and responsesSlide143

Ingredients of a Good Apology

1)With responsibility for each persons’ part in the offense.

2) Personal: (When ___ happened you felt ____. You needed _____ and in the future you hope for _______).

3) Specific behavior plan for the future- how we will handle triggers again.

4) Deep apology, not just surface level.

5) Genuineness in interactions

6) Direct apology without a bunch of other stuffSlide144

Examples of Bad Apologies

Avoid

:

Sorry.

I am sorry for whatever hurt you.

What else do you want now?

I am just like this. This is how I am but I am sorry.

This is my personality, culture, etc. It is not likely to change.

I’ll say I’m sorry if it will help but I don’t know why.

I cannot believe you need me to apologize for that.

I am sorry for ___ BUT ….Slide145

Culture and Forgiveness

Collectivist Mindset and Forgiveness

Hook, J. N., Worthington Jr., E. L.,

Utsey,S

. O., Davis, D. E., & Burnette, J. L. (April 2012).

Fosters forgiveness more than those with an individualized mindset

Goals: Interpersonal harmony, reconciliation instead of personal feelings of peace and happiness

Collectivism

a social pattern consisting of

closely linked

individuals who

(a) see themselves as connected with the collective in which they are members;

(b) are motivated primarily by the social norms and duties of their collective;

(c) place more importance on collective goals than on their own personal goals; and

(d) emphasize their connectedness to other members of the collective.Slide146

Culture and Forgiveness

Individualism

a social pattern consisting of

loosely linked

individuals who

(a) see themselves as relatively independent from the collective in which they

are members;

(b) are motivated primarily by their own preferences, needs,

rights, or contracts they have made with others;

(c) place more importance on personal than collective goals; and

(d) tend to make decisions on whether to associate with others on an analysis of costs and benefits to the individual.Slide147

Inspiring Hope Cutcliffe, J.R.. (2006)

Through connecting in the therapeutic context

Through helping process emotions with the client until there is a release

Throughout assisting the client in coming up with an alternative endingSlide148

Hope Versus Want and Desire

Want/Desire

May or may not happen

May or may not be manageable and achievable

May or may not have the skills to attain the goal

Hope

Able to be attained by the hopeful person

Skill base is there or can be easily gotten

Possible and realistic to achieve

Able to access resourcesSlide149

Hopeful ElementsCutcliffe, J.R.. (2006)

Connectedness- self and others

Uplifting memories

Cognitive strategies

Spiritual or philosophical beliefs which support hope

Refocusing of time and energy

Purposeful activities

Ability to tolerate ebb and flow

Atmosphere of acceptanceSlide150

Using Narrative Approaches To Help People Process Pain

Respect the client’s stories and respect their conclusions (What are the stories I tell myself? What repels me and what attracts me?)

The inevitability of pain is what it takes to bring genuine healing.

No testimony without a test or pain.

No victory without vulnerability.

There is no straight line of easy means to perfection.

Life proves us.

Life is a battle to avoid dualistic extremes of thinking and behavior.

Assisting clients in telling beginning, middle, endSlide151

Narrative Approaches to Counseling

(Pembroke, 2005)

Reconceptualizing

problem-bound stories

Helping the client re-assemble unique alternative outcomes

Helping the client make the new alternative endings and strong and as possible as the problem bound ones

Partnership in the story between the client, the counselor, and the support system (affirmation strength, strengthening)Slide152

Narrative Interventions For Forgiveness

(

Landry,D.F

.,

Rachal,K.C

,

Rachal,W.S

., &

Rosenthal,G.T

.- 2005)

Translating thoughts into narrative makes emotional processing and forgiveness more manageable

Look at the frequency of words- increase the frequency of positive and neutral words (attribution retraining)

Helps a great deal with rumination aspects of both self forgiveness and other forgiveness

The longer the intervention the larger the effects

Gains maintained over time

Strengths- when therapist directed and with perspective taking can promote empathySlide153

Power Versus Love

Power

Love

Me first

How may I serve you?

Manipulation

Builds up

Exhausts others

Refreshes others

Rarely genuinely happy

Understands happiness

Rewarded-idolizing money

Money- a means to an endSlide154

Power Versus Love

Power

Love

Steps on others

A bridge to another’s betterment

Wounds

Binds up wounds

Joyless

Joy

Does not understand love

Does not understand power and is not impressed

Forgiveness= weakness

Forgiveness=strengthSlide155

The Age of the Disordered Will

Problem

: Willing what cannot be willed

Trying to control what is not ours to control

Trying to coerce what cannot be forced.

Craving what is not life givingSlide156

Hardiness helps heal pain

Ability to see things in context

Realization that they did not cause the abuse

Produces higher resilience

A transformational coping style

Based on internal wholeness

Choices to distance from unhealthy relationshipsSlide157

Healing after Shaming Someone

“ I had no idea there was a difference between shame and guilt. I think I shamed you and your entire life. I meant to use guilt. I never thought you weren’t good enough. I did not like your choices. But I shamed you. I can’t take that back, but I need you to know that you’re the best thing that ever happened to me and I’m so proud to be your ___________ .”Slide158

Compassion

Looks at our shared humanity

None of us is perfect

We’ve all struggledSlide159

Compassionate Mind Therapy

Depression- the inner critic accepts negative targeting

Can be fought an counteracted

Visualize the confident, overcoming self

Strong, unbeatable

Don’t have to accept the inner critic

Think of evidence opposing the inner critic

You have permission and courage to fight back

If there’s not evidence for negative criticism you can choose what to accept

You can decide how you will allow yourself to be treatedSlide160

Meaning Making

Develop short and long term goals

Suffering helps redefine self

Growth producing and enhancing

Thriving as a person

Appreciating beauty

Finds light in the darkness

Finds meaning in faithSlide161

Moving From Shame to Guilt

Stay behavioral in goals

Teach boundaries which produce stability

Responsibility/amends rather than blame

Moving toward healthy support rather than withdrawal and avoidanceSlide162

Patience

They don’t give up during the waiting time.

Waiting time- things still happening.

Able to sit still when necessary and act when necessarySlide163

Optimism

A healthy nonpersonal way of explaining and attributing things

Things are temporary, specific and external- leads to resilience

Future orientation

Confidence in midst of challenges

Able to perceive the end rather than get stuck in the process

Ignore unproductive pain and adaptSlide164

Pace

Intelligence associated with speed at which things are done

Also knowledge of when to slow things downSlide165

Connections/Social Supports

Not simply number of supports but quality of supports

Promoting restorative narrativeSlide166

Openness To Change

Willing to learn new things

Assess things each time to see what has gone well and what needs to be modified

Look at present, sort term and long term simultaneouslySlide167

Engagement and Interest

Likes trying new things

Does not remain stuck in old things that may or may not work

Potential to growSlide168

Strengths Orientation/Solution Focus

:

How did you manage in spite of___________ ?

3 good things- finding exceptions

Discovering strengths- personality characteristics that help people endure

Building on strengths you already have

Focusing on positive memoriesSlide169

Who Bounces Back?

(Seligman, M, 2011)

Setbacks are temporary, local, and changeable

Those who keep persisting at tasks

Those with new and different ideas

Those who look beyond the initial opposition

Those who mentally separate the heat of the moment and its stresses from life’s decisions.

Those who apply cognitive behavioral strategies to identify toxic beliefs and behaviors and change themSlide170

Can Hope Be Learned?

Martin Seligman’s idea of learned optimism or learned helplessness

Learned optimism

- bad events are only temporary and situational rather than permanent and long term

Albert Bandura’s idea of

self efficacy

- people can take on individual responsibility for their reactions, people’s beliefs govern their lives (

e.g

perseverence

in the face of difficulty)Slide171

Wholehearted Living (B,

Brene

, 2012, p.9)

Cultivating

authenticity

- letting go of what people think

Cultivating

self compassion

- letting go of perfectionism

Cultivating

a resilient spirit

: letting go of numbing and powerlessness

Cultivating

gratitude and joy

: letting go of scarcity and fear of the dark

Cultivating

intuition

and trusting

faith

: letting go of the need for certainty

Cultivating

creativity

: letting go of comparison

Cultivating

play and rest

: letting go of exhaustion as a status symbol ad productivity as self worth

Cultivating

calm and stillness

: letting go of anxiety as s lifestyle

Cultivating

meaningful work

: letting go of self doubt and supposed to

Cultivating

laughter, song, and dance

: letting go of being cool and always in controlSlide172

Wholehearted Living

Simultaneously being imperfect and failing yet still worthy of love.

Seeing vulnerability as something necessary and desirable to create genuine intimacy in relationships

Courage to risk failure and heartbreak

Willing to feel authentically what I feel on the hear and now.Slide173

Vulnerability

Learning to be comfortable with not being ____ enough

Learning to deal with fear of the unknown

Defined as: “We wake up every day and loving someone who may or may not love us back, whose safety we can’t ensure, who may stay in our lives or may leave without a moment’s notice, who may be loyal to the day I die or betray us tomorrow- that’s vulnerability. Love is uncertain. It’s incredibly risky. And loving someone leaves u emotionally exposed. Yes- it’s scary and yes, we’re open to being hurt but can you imagine your life without being loving or being loved?” (Brown, B., 2012, p.34)

Definition #2: capable of being wounded, open to attack or damage” (Brown, B., 2012, p.39)Slide174

Becoming Vulnerable- a good thing

“Many of us prefer practices that will not causes discomfort, yet at the same time we want to be healed…But (it) doesn’t work that way. A warrior accepts that we can never know what will happen to us next. We can try to control the uncontrollable by looking for the security and predictability, always hoping to be comfortable and safe. But the truth is that we can never avoid uncertainty. This not knowing is part of the adventure, and it’s also what makes us afraid. This ‘I’ who wants something to hold on to- can finally learn to grow up.”

(

Chondron,P

., 2002)Slide175

Exercise: Write a pledge to self.Slide176

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