After Rifts Michele Aluoch 2018 Stages of Grief Shock Disorganization Searching Behavior Emotional Components Despair Guiltreal or imagined what if What could I have done I wish I could have done more ID: 758009
Download Presentation The PPT/PDF document "Helping Clients Redefine Relationships" is the property of its rightful owner. Permission is granted to download and print the materials on this web site for personal, non-commercial use only, and to display it on your personal computer provided you do not modify the materials and that you retain all copyright notices contained in the materials. By downloading content from our website, you accept the terms of this agreement.
Slide1
Helping Clients Redefine Relationships After Rifts
Michele Aluoch
2018Slide2
Stages of Grief
Shock
Disorganization
Searching Behavior
Emotional Components
Despair
Guilt-real or imagined, what if? What could I have done? I wish I could have done more.
Anger- at person for their sickness/death, anger
with yourself for being about your own businessSlide3
Stages of Grief
Anxiety-what now?, feeling of loss of control over your emotions
Jealousy- of others who don’t have to go through loss
Shame-don’t want to admit true feelings of loss -what it means
Aggression/Protest- doctors & nurses, family members who did not help, God for “letting it happen”
Letting Go
- final goodbye, not searching, acceptance of new reality
Reintegration
- reassigning meaning to symbolic experiencesSlide4
The Six Needs of MourningWolfelt, 2004
Accept the reality of the death.
Let yourself feel the pain of the loss.
Remember the person who died.
Develop a new self identity.
Search for meaning.
Let others help you- now and always. Slide5
The Disease of Revenge- McCullough,M.E, 1997
Weakened history
All consuming
Destructive effects to the host
Keeps comparison to one’s internal standards of justice going (“
shoulds
”)
Alternative: promote forgiveness rather than revengeSlide6
Cognitive Models of Forgiveness &Object Transformation
(e.g.- Cioni,P.F.-2007)
Unforgiveness
/
Woundedness
(Revenge Based Cognitions)
Versus Forgiveness (Changing Cognitive Attributes and Perspectives)Slide7
Object Transformation
Negative Cognitions
Violation occurs
Negative emotions follow
“I will get even”,” I want revenge”, “They will not get away w/
this”,”He
/she must pay for this”. I can’t stand this pain”,” I cannot tolerate this, “I must get even.”
The object-image changes from friend to enemy
.
Aggressive energy is directed toward the object which produces inner conflict.
Forgiveness-Based Cognitions
Violation occurs
Negative emotions follow
I will choose to forgive this person. The violation no longer has control over me.
Negative emotions are alleviated.
The object-image is less threatening or remains non-threatening. Freedom from inner conflict. is enhanced, peace restored, and life renewed.Slide8
TransformationBlocher, W.G., & Wade, N,G.
(January 2010)
a process of changes
Inside the one who perceives the offense
three areas: cognition, emotions, and behaviors toward the offender.
Two mechanisms: 1) reduction of negative thoughts, emotions, and behaviors that include the pain, hurt, anger,
bitterness, and any desires for revenge that result from the hurt; and (2) increase of positive thoughts, feelings, and prosocial behaviors toward the offender (e.g. compassion, understanding, love, mercy, or simply a feeling of pitySlide9
Cognitions of Offenses
Discouraging thoughts about the offender
Questioning: why did the offender do it?
Why did this happen to me?
Thoughts of revenge
Thoughts of relationship termination
Why the offender should not have done this to begin with
Thoughts of forgiveness
Thoughts of distrustSlide10
Most Critical Factors to Consider in Relational OffensesBeckenbach, J., Patrick, S., & Sells, J. (2010)
The immediate topic
The history of arguments
The nature of conflict between the two parties
Family of origin or historical factors in these issues
Use of defenses and self preservation techniques- perpetuates offensesSlide11
Common Elements
I.
Intra-individual and inter-personal
Within the self
Between the self and others, relational
II.
Regarding a perceived transgressor/transgression
NOTE: perceived versus actual transgressor- individual self and desired self, self and other, two parties each with some responsibility, groupsSlide12
Common Elements
III.
Has disrupted appropriate social interactions
IV.
Requires a shift in emotions from bitterness, anger, hared, toward more positive feelings, thoughts and behaviors
V.
Involves some plan of dealing with accepting or modifying behaviors based on perceived injustices
VI. Involves freedom in communication
“To be able to say without resentment, “I feel sad that our relationship is going this way and this is what I would like from here..” (Karen,R.-2001)Slide13
Meaning Making in Grief
Clients present in terms of stories, narratives, and myths
Learning to adjust what is “true”
Exists in culture: 1. stories, narratives, myths
and 2. nonverbal communication
Meaning making
: both within each client as well as the therapeutic exchange.
Not automatically important to everyone
Gender differences
- men seen as more attractive if less extreme grief symptoms but women seen as more attractive if open and sharingSlide14
Meaning Making in Grief
Grief is as varied as each individual.
Expression is better than denial.
Expression may include a range of things unique to each individual.
Gender roles play a part- men tend to be more private and repressive while women encouraged to be open.
Social support is an essential element.
Avoidance is top problem and concern in terms of maladaptive responses.
Recovery involves building grief into existing structure of one’s life.
Requires cognitive reframing- not losing but redefining.
Flexibility between and within individuals is required.
(time, style, resources needed)
Seeing grief as an ability to broaden one’s perspective Slide15
Choices of the ClientUysal,R., &
Satici
, S.A., 2014
Power to create our own happiness or lack thereof
Power to create vengeance or forgiveness
Power to choose types of responses that raise or lower tensions
Power to choose negative emotions like anger, bitterness and revenge or to give empathy, humility, second chances
Power to redefine and re-evaluate relationship
Power for justice in nonaggressive ways
Power to consider the effects on one’s own identity and integritySlide16
Forgiveness Assessment
Is reconciliation a necessary part of forgiveness?
Is apology necessary before you would forgive someone?
Is it necessary to forget the hurt when you forgive someone?
Do you see forgiveness as primarily a religious concept?
Is it possible to forgive someone without that person being aware of it?Slide17
Forgiveness Assessment
Do you feel guilty if you do not forgive someone?
Is it possible to forgive someone?
Is it possible to forgive yourself?
Is forgiveness more helpful for the person who was hurt than the person who did the hurting?
Can forgiveness cause emotional problems?
Do you think you have a moral responsibility to forgive?Slide18
Forgiveness Assessment
Does forgiving someone excuse their hurtful behavior?
Can forgiveness occur if a hurtful action is still happening?
Are religious people more forgiving?
Do you see yourself as more forgiving than others?
Is it easier to forgive a friend/family member than a stranger?
Does anger decrease when forgiveness takes place?Slide19
Forgiveness Assessment
Is it easier to forgive a friend/family member than a stranger?
Does anger decrease when forgiveness takes place? Are you more likely to forgive someone who has made a major life change?
Do you see forgiveness as a weakness?
Does forgiveness justify a hurtful behavior?Slide20
Forgiveness Assessment
Does forgiveness automatically restore trust?
Is it possible to be both angry and forgiving about a situation at the same time?
Was forgiveness used often in your family?
Do you believe people should be forgiven more than once for doing the same hurtful action repeatedly
?Slide21
Hindrances To Forgiveness
Poor role modeling of family with regard to emotional expression, sharing, and/or problem solving
Codependency
Communication difficulties- avoidance, anger, reactivity, holding things in, passive aggressive communication
Extreme cognitions and black and white thinking- good/bad, right/wrong, all at fault versus not at fault
A childhood where parents were seen as always “right”
A childhood where children lived in fear of the parents’ reactions so they could never share their feelingsSlide22
Perceptions of Counselors Versus Average Person/Client
Counselors/theorists
Avg. person/client
Cognitive commitment to Do the work of forgiveness and then decide later
forgive initiates the treatment about commitment to forgive
and forgiveness process
Commitment to forgive is an Commitment to forgive is the most important part of
“easier” early stage the entire forgiveness process and also the most difficult.
Bearing the pain is necessary Have to act civil but don’t have to bear injustices if and positive step in healing not client’s responsibility
Social support systems necessary Social supports necessary during the deeper work phases of forgiveness to even start and go through every phase of forgivenessSlide23
Forgiveness and Spirituality
Considered important and necessary by many Christians and people of faith
Spirituality is embedded in the person’s narratives of self and relationships
Decisional forgiveness verses emotional forgivenessSlide24
Research Results Continued:Gender & Forgiveness
1) Women who were more religious and scored higher on empathy scales were more inclined to forgive.
2) Gender issues affecting forgiveness: women- guilt proneness, anger reduction, and detachment and men- age, shame proneness, and pride.
3) Defining forgiveness: women see process of forgiveness as vital to successful relationships and men see it as helpful but not necessary for maintenance of relationship.
4) Women are more likely to view forgiveness as obligatory and men are more likely to view forgiveness as situational
.Slide25
Research Results Continued: Age & Forgiveness
1) Older people generally more likely to forgive.
2) Older women are more likely to forgive than older men.
3) Older women are more likely to forgive than younger women.Slide26
Research Results Continued
Selfism
- people internally focused on self, people who detach when things get rough in relationships, and people with poor emotional coping skills; repeatedly shown that selfish negatively correlates with forgiveness
Empathy
-repeatedly shown to facilitate forgiveness and also to be present in people who are willing and able to demonstrate higher levels of forgiveness, perspective taking, and reconciliationSlide27
Emotional Factors in Forgiveness Cont
Shame
- Found to be the more generally “male” style while “guilt” is the generally “female” style according to research. Shame- sees problems as global, negative deficits in the entire self and enduring defects of a person. Negatively correlated with forgiveness. Considered connected to both higher degrees of
unforgiveness
of self and others, more irrational anger, and more external blame towards others.
Guilt
- Found to be the more generally “female” style while “shame” is found to be the more generally “male” style. Guilt- focuses on the behavior, assists in forgiveness- separating out action from personhood. Positively correlated with forgiveness. Considered more adaptive following an offense.Slide28
Emotional Components Continued
Adaptive pride
- Associated with higher self esteem. Correlates highly with forgiveness. A person with high adaptive pride sees himself or herself as socially responsible for the well being of the relationship. High levels of adaptive pride in men were generally associated with higher forgiveness.Slide29
Emotional Components Continued
Cognitive
adaptibility
- Regardless of how many rejection wounds in the past those who were more able to forgive were more willing to take a risk being turned away because they did not want to conceive of the possibility of not being together again. They were able to muster the strength to cognitively focus on the positives in spite of the negatives. Our greatest hurts are by the closest of intimates- refocus on this closeness. Another measure of cognitively adaptability demonstrated to correlate highly with forgiveness is the ability to separate personhood from action. Finally, those who were better at perspective taking were generally better at achieving higher levels of forgivenessSlide30
Emotional Components Continued
Emotional restrictiveness
- People who have a tendency to not allow themselves to feel or admit any unpleasant feelings or to polarize these as “evil” are less likely to genuinely forgive and reach higher levels of forgiveness and reconciliation. “Denial of negative feelings”
(Karen, R.-2001) actually hinders self forgiveness and other forgiveness. In addition, those who do all they can to not mourn actually promote complicated grief and hinder mourning in addition to complicating the recovery process.Slide31
Emotional Components Continued
The blaming personality
- Those who tend to see things as everyone else’s fault actually tend to not mourn because they do not believe they ever have anything to mourn over. Blame renounces responsibility and dries up tears. Blame also is associated with generalities- (“they” all become exactly like the one who hurt me). This goes both for self forgiveness and other forgiveness.
Mourning
- Those who allow themselves freedom to mourn tend to be more loving.Slide32
Cost Benefit Analysis of ForgivenessCooney, A., Allan, A., Allan, M. M., McKillop, D., & Drake, D. G., 2011
Benefit to self
Benefit to other
Benefit to relationship
Justice
Consequences of the offense
Context/perspective taking
EmpowermentSlide33
To Forgive Or Not To Forgive?
Did you make a conscious decision to forgive? If so, how did you arrive at that decision? Can you trace the reasoning that led you to the decision to forgive?
Did you experience- at any point before, during, or after the making of the decisions to forgive- a changed emotional state that you would define as emotionally forgiving the person who harmed you?
Do your Christian or faith beliefs, values, community, or friends play any part in your decision and experience of forgiveness? If so, how?
What benefits (if any) have your experienced from having forgiven? How has your offender benefitted?
Did you make a conscious decision to forgive? If so, how did you arrive at that decision? Can you trace the reasoning that led you to the decision to forgive?Slide34
To Forgive Or Not To Forgive?
No
:
Offense was too big
Risk for re-offending
Nature of the offense
Personal preferences/what I will or will not tolerate
Psychological distress levelSlide35
To Forgive Or Not To Forgive?Williamson, I., & Gonzales, M. H. (2007)
Positive Regard for Offender Subscale
5. Lets me see the good side of the other person, despite his
or her offense.
8. Allows me to sympathize with the other person.
14. Enables me to empathize with the other person’s motives,
needs, and reasons for doing what he or she did.
16. Helps to restore feelings of love and caring in my
relationship with the other person.
19. Makes the other person’s action’s more understandable. Slide36
To Forgive Or Not To Forgive?Williamson, I., & Gonzales, M. H. (2007)
Religious–Expressive Subscale
6. Reflects a humble submission to God, who always forgives us.
9. Allows me to express God’s love.
20. Enables me to act as Jesus would want me to act.
21. Makes it possible for God to work through me.
23. Is an opportunity to model or identify with Jesus. Slide37
To Forgive Or Not To Forgive?Williamson, I., & Gonzales, M. H. (2007)
Self–Transformation Subscale
12. Enables me to look at myself differently than before.
13. Enables me to find a larger meaning in life.
15. Transforms me into a different and better person.
17. Enables me to adopt a larger perspective, to see the “big
picture.”
22. Is an opportunity to gain wisdom and knowledge. Slide38
To Forgive Or Not To Forgive?Williamson, I., & Gonzales, M. H. (2007)
Relief of Psychological Pain Subscale
2. Relieves the sadness I feel.
4. Eliminates the discomfort (e.g. pain, sadness, anger) I feel
whenever I see the other person.
10. Helps me to feel happier in general. Slide39
Areas Which Hinder Forgiveness
Black and white thinking
Cognitive Inflexibility
Lack of empathy
Lack of putting things in context
Lack of willingness to abandon one’s point of view
A strict method of justice, grace, etc.
Those who ruminate and justify resentment, anger, bitterness, etc.Slide40
Mechanisms Involved In Forgiveness
Approaching
- the offense
Avoiding
- the negative rumination, revenge and bitterness which keeps someone “bound”Slide41
Five Elements of Effective Forgiveness Therapies:Blocher
, W.G., & Wade, N. G., 2010
Clarification and distinction between forgiveness and excusing or Condoning
Recalling hurt- telling stories anew
Helping the offended have empathy for their offenders
Acknowledging one’s own offenses
Choosing to forgiveSlide42
Forgiveness Focused Marriage Counseling:
Stage one
- 6 months or less
Willing to learn, psychoeducation
Stage 2
- more than 6 months
Being able to express dissatisfaction
Live together happily but can be easily offended sometimes
Stage 3
- strong conflict over 6 months
Severe anxiety, reprehension, power struggles
Stage Four
Anxiety, power struggles to such a degree considering separation and divorce
Marriage is over
1&2- Seeking ways to communicate
3&4- Tendency to negotiate and terminateSlide43
Forgiveness Centered Models Of Couples Therapy: 8 Session Model- Navidian
, A., &
Bahari
, F., 2013
Introduction to the problem conceptualization, therapeutic alliance, joining with the couple
Assessment of the problem pre-test and evaluation before intervention
Introducing cognitive principles- irrational beliefs, distortion, unhealthy behavior reactions as well as solution focused approaches
Introducing forgiveness as a healing behavior
Decisional forgiveness- forgiveness barriers, assignments and behavioral goals
Strengthening bonds with your faulty partner- asking for forgiveness, exploring and overcoming resentment, exercising freedom in forgiveness
Right and wrong ways of forgiving: cheap forgiveness versus genuine forgiveness
Sustaining changes- How to incorporate principles of hope therapySlide44
Hope-focused Marriage Enrichment(Ripley,J.S
. &
Worthington,E.L
., Jr.- 2002)
1. Teach clients to promote at least a 5 to 1 positive to negative interaction ratio.
2. Teach empathy- First person speaks followed by a valuing empathy statement of the second person before second person responds.
3. LOVE- L=listen to your partner
O=observe your effects on your partner
V=value your partner
E=evaluate common interests
4.Incorporate intimacy building exercises (e.g. Gestalt moving closer, solution focused interchanges and valuing statements)
5. Coupes write a love letter to each other.Slide45
Empathy-Centered Forgiveness-Based Intervention(Ripley,J.S
. &
Worthington,E.L
., Jr.- 2002)
Five parts:
1.
Empathize
with the offender to promote forgiveness.
2.
Humility
(choice of the offended) as the offended recalls times when he/she has received forgiveness from the person who offended them.
3.
Shift
from blame and resentment to willingness to forgive.
4.
Commitment
aloud to forgive the offender.
5.
Maintenance
- discussion of how the offender may prove him/herself on an ongoing basis.
Slide46
Developing An Attitude of Humility
“ I see my offender’s motivations and understand his or her point of view. I feel what he or she might have been feeling. Further, I have felt similar feelings. I see that I have done things or wanted to do things as wicked as the other person. In those instances of my own weakness, I would like to have forgiveness extended to me. I want mercy for my own foibles. Who am I to demand justice for this person when I want mercy for myself? I know that the other person is needy. I want to help this person. I want to release him or her from the hate, anger, and desire for retribution that I feel. That is the decent thing to do. That is the right thing to do.”Slide47
Empathy-Centered Forgiveness-Based Intervention- Continued
Therapeutic Tasks
:
Ask each person in the family or group or relationship to describe from his/her point of view and facilitate hearing and empathy by others
Follow up with assisting others to think based on the initial comments about what may please the first communicator (perspective taking)
Help the “group” speak to common feelings and perception
Facilitate each admitting his/her part and verbalizing commitment to ongoing healthy relationshipSlide48
Attachment Theory Models of Forgiveness(Lawler-Row, K.A., Younger, J.W.,
Piferi
, R.L, & Jones, W.H.- 2006
Secure attachment styles associated with forgiveness.
Linked to degree to which people can:
Tolerate negative affect
Experience pain
Communicate feelings
Reframe the offender
Have better internal emotional regulation
Demonstrate broader emotional expressiveness
Have less idealized expectations and more flexibility in relationship interactions
Insecurely attached: avoidance, difficulty working through the relationship, physiological problemsSlide49
The Empathic Dialectical Reframing Model(Berecz
, J.M.-2001)
Three “R”s
:
Rapport
Reframing
ReleaseSlide50
Empathic Dialectical Reframing Model (Continued)
Rapport
Counselor’s responsibilities are strong here- counselor as psychoeducational teacher
Counselor to teach idea of “empathy as dialectic imagination”- talk to client about learning a way of moving away from self perception being applied onto other (transgressor) toward reaching outward toward other instead
Counselor to teach empathy and perspective taking skills and move client away from chronic self focus inwardSlide51
Empathic Dialectical Reframing Model (Continued)
Reframing
Assist one of the parties in making a statement to break the cycle of
unforgiveness
and selfish (e.g. “I know we have recently not been understanding each other very well but I would like for us to try and hear each other better so we can have a more peaceful home.”)
Reframing in terms of a cooperative problem solving solution-focused team venture.Slide52
Empathic Dialectical Reframing Model (Continued)
Release
NOTE
:
Berecz
talks of “release” instead of “reconciliation”
Belief that in some cases it may be “psychologically harmful” to try and reconcile (repeated infidelity of a spouse, abuse, addiction)
Allows for disjunctive forgiveness whereby the offended can “accept” the understanding of the personhood, context, and personality issues of the transgressor but the offended can move on without letting them have a hold on the hurt party.
Releasing bitterness even if there will never be reconciliation or if the offender never repents or apologizes.
Helpful when the transgressor refuses to change his or her ways and sees nothing wrong even when you know what the offender did was wrong.Slide53
Contextual Therapy(Murray,R.J.-2002, based on Hargrave, T.D.-1994)
Four Stations
Station 1 &2 =
Exoneration
(attempts at removing culpability and ending condemnation toward the wrongdoer)
1)
Insight
Understanding of possible casual factors
Minimizes future damage in relationship
Looks at objective facts
2)
Understanding
The wrongdoers limitations, development, efforts, and possible intents
Placing things in larger context
Looks at subjective experiences and motivational factorsSlide54
Contextual Therapy Continued
Station 3 & 4=
Forgiveness
(actions regarding responsibility, wrongdoer admitting his/her part and trust being re-established)
3)
Opportunity for Compensation
Re-entering the relationship in a new way
Victim must agree to have the pain addressed by the perpetrator and allow self to be healed
Victim must decide if he/she is willing to trust the perpetrator and to what degree in the future
Addressing interactional systems patternsSlide55
Contextual Therapy Continued
4)
Overt Forgiving
Relational ethics applied- what entitled to receive versus what obligated to give
Defining what the relationship will look like from hereSlide56
Intentional Forgiving(Ferch, S.R.- Summer1998)
Largely cognitive based
Primary burden placed on the counselor as facilitator and educator
Forgiveness seen as an act of the will by the client and a deliberate decision to work through emotions and have mutual respect for the other person
Does not necessarily have to involve the offender but seen as more successful if it does involve the offender
Two phases
:
1) PsychoeducationSlide57
Intentional Forgiving
Phase One: Psychoeducation
Considered the preliminary work
Counselor responsible for setting the client up and assisting him/her in understanding the work of forgiveness
Forgiveness framed as a choice
Reconciliation seen as possible and intentional when it wound be healthySlide58
Intentional Forgiving
Steps of Phase One
:
1) Teach client that forgiveness is a choice.
2) Frame as a process.
3) Assist the client in receiving the offense. Forgive because you will remember the offense. Allow and facilitate grief and mourning.
4) Forgive for yourself, not the offender.
5) Help the client conceptualize forgiveness in light of both mercy and justice.
6) Help client understanding and differentiate between the intent of a person and his/her actions and to consider possible positive intent.
7) Help the client permit the re-evaluation and modification of relationship when necessary.Slide59
Intentional Forgiving Continued:Face To Face Interactions With The Offender
Steps of Phase Two:
1) can be phone call or letter or in person
2) not for use with possible re-offenders
3) not for use if offender does not seem to buy into tenants of intentional forgiveness
4) use body language and positioning- facing each other, open posture, welcoming facial expressions, and calm open tones of voice
5) assist the client in naming the offender’s behavior while assisting the offender in listening (do not allow for excuses)
6) be directive toward the client’s engaging the offender’s care, concern, and loving expression toward the client
7) help the offender ask forgiveness directly
8) help the client respond specifically by offering forgiveness
9) teach less defensive ways of communication between the two parties (e.g. I statements)
10) use therapeutic touch and positioning between the parties when appropriate to affirm closeness again and openness to redeveloping sense of “us”Slide60
Enright & Fitzgibbons Studies: Process Model
Four stages of forgiveness:
1) Uncovering
2) Decision
3) Work
4) Outcome
Uncovering
- explore past grievances and areas that need forgiveness, regrets, and disappointments
Decisions
- Examine the consequences of holding on to past hurts versus letting them go
Work stage
- Helping process with the client the thoughts, feelings, and images regarding forgiveness of the key issue(s)
Outcome
- Create a ritual between the client and other for providing closure to this process and plan for dealing with things from hereSlide61
General Findings: Process-Based Theories
Earlier stages in most developmental theories= cognitive focused but advanced stages of forgiveness require empathy and emotion-based techniques.
Meta-Analysis Studies
Strictly cognitive (decision based and will power enhancing) approaches are not enough and did not produce authentic forgiveness or maintain gains in the long term. However, process-based techniques (both individuals and group) showed extremely large effect sizes in meta-analysis studies. Need for techniques combining cognitive and affective/emotive techniques.
Systems theories also facilitated forgiveness and showed greater outcomes, likely related to the degree of perspective taking incorporated.Slide62
Self Forgiveness: The Tyrannical Shoulds
I am unworthy
What I’ve done is too bad
Forgiveness was too cheap because I didn’t pay enough price for what I did
I’m not sure I can do enough to undo bad effects of my behavior or make it better.
If only _____, then ______
Shoulds
, musts
Have to
“Creation of internal idols”
Solution: Freedom from shame through separation of behavior from personhood Slide63
Defining Shame
Subjective emotion
Linked to perception of identity
Narrowly focused
Automatic emotional reaction
Habitual
Loss of context
Paralysis, feeling immobilized
Desperate behaviorSlide64
Defining Shame
Inner perception of inadequacy
Belief that one is inherently flawed and imperfect
A premise that it is impossible for someone to love me as defective as I am.
A belief that if I feel less than who I should be and I don’t measure up than others must think so too
Self conscious emotion
Emotions which requires self awareness (includes shame)
Negative, global stable and controllable erroneous attributesSlide65
Defining Shame
Fear of disrepute
Concerning something one is ashamed of
Keeping things secret
Necessitates a cover up
Unstable trust and security
A sense of disappointment in oneself
Promotes becoming a false seSlide66
What All Shame Based Relationships Have in Common
Control and chaos
Mysterious happenings- how did we get here to this point?
Verbal comments related to hopeless helpless feelings
Nonverbal postures of giving up- averted gaze, slumped over, shrugged shoulders etc.
Lack of resolution
Resentment
Ambiguity, no clear rules
Unspoken guidelines
Game playing or passive underlying threads to be figured outSlide67
Curse Full Relationships
VanVonderen
, J., 1992, p.27
C
- Controlling
U
- Unforgiving
R
- Reactive
S
- Shaming
E
- Ego-Driven
Controlling
- My self esteem is based on what you do or don’t do for me.
Unforgiving
- Through Not forgiving I can maintain the upper hand, holding onto punishment and resentment.
Reactive
- I cannot choose how I respond to you because you “make” me act a certain way and I have excuses for my reactions.
Shaming
- I can play God and it is my responsibility to place myself above others. If you’d only do the right things, I’ll be happy.
Ego Driven
- I want things to happen a certain way so others can think well of me.Slide68
TIRED
VanVonderen
, J., 1992, p.33
Trapped
- No win situation, never good enough
Indicted
- Reminded of one’s inadequacies
Responsibility
- the weight of the world is on my shoulders
Exposed
- Scrutinizing every behavior
Defensive
- If only thinkingSlide69
Empty people cannot fill other empty people. They merely look as though they can fill empty people
.Slide70
Shame Versus Guilt
Shame
Guilt
Visual
Auditory
Perception
Behaviors, evidence
Hiding, Concealment
Confession, atonement
Split self identity
Action
Failure to meet expectations
Interpersonal transgressionSlide71
A Parable: The prisoner in the dark Cave (Bradshaw, J., 1988, 150-151)
There was once a man who was sentenced to die. He was blindfolded and put in a pitch black cave. The cave was one hundred yards aby one hundred yards. He was told there was a way out of the cave, and if he could find it, he was a free man.
After a rock was secured at the entrance to the cave, the prisoner was allowed to take the blindfold off and roam freely in the darkness. He was to be fed only bread and water for the first thirty days and nothing thereafter. The bread and water were lowered from a small hole in the roof at the south end of the cave. The ceiling was about eighteen feet high. The opening was about one foot in diameter. The prisoner could see a fat light up above, but no light came into the cave.Slide72
A Parable: The prisoner in the dark Cave
As the prisoner roamed and crawled around the cave, he bumped into rocks. Some were rather large. He thought that if he could build a mound of rocks and dirt that was high enough, he could reach the opening and enlarge it enough to crawl through and escape. Since he was five feet, nine inches and his reach was another two feet, the mound had to be at least ten feet high.
So the prisoner spent his waking hours picking up rocks and digging up dirt. At the end of two weeks, he had built a mound of about six feet. He thought that if he could duplicate that in the next two weeks, he could make it before his food ran out. But as he already used most of the rocks in the cave, he had to dig harder and harder. He had to do the digging with his bare hands. After a month had passed, the mound was nine and one half feet high and he could almost reach the opening if he jumped. He was almost exhausted and extremely weak.Slide73
A Parable: The prisoner in the dark Cave
One day, just as he thought he could reach the opening, he fell. He was simply too weak to get up, and in two days he died. His captors came up to get his body. They rolled away the huge rock that covered the entrance. As the light flooded into the cave, it illuminated an opening in the wall of the cave about three feet in circumference.
It was the opening to a tunnel that led to the other side of the mountain. This was the passage to freedom the prisoner had been told about. It was in the south wall, directly under the opening in the ceiling. All the prisoner would have to do was crawl about two hundred feet and he would have found freedom. He had so completely focused on the light that it never occurred to him to look for freedom in the
darkess
. Liberation was there all the time, right next to the mound he was building, but it was in darkness.Slide74
Fear
To be alive again
To live to the fullest
Not so much what has happened already but more what could happen if life was different
Not good enough- rejection, lack of acceptance
Falling short
Not making others happySlide75
What are you eating?
Others opinions- constant trying
Mental preoccupation
Struggle- self goals (hope) vs. people pleasing
“If you eat all their emotional garbage, it becomes your emotional garbage. But if you do not take it personally, you are immune in the middle of hell.”
(p. 49, Ruiz, D.M.)Slide76
What are You Feeding On?
“Before we can make deep changes in our lives, we have to look into our diet, our way on consuming. We have to live in such a way that we stop consuming the things that poison and intoxicate us. Then, we will have the strength to allow the best in us to arise, and we will no longer be victims of anger, of frustration.”
(Hanh, T., N, 2004)Slide77
Take nothing personally
Brings freedom
Consideration of other options and explanations
Application of cognitive debating strategies
A guarded heart
Inner contentment that is not determined by people and circumstances
Is what you’re doing working?
Where will you be in 1 month? 6 months? 1 year/years from now if you continue?Slide78
Family of Origin Messages
Be good, right, strong, and perfect.
Shut up and don’t speak.
Don’t rock the boat.
Don’t share your opinions.
Be numb.
Be careful.
Be blind to mixed expectations.
What matters most is everyone else- not you.Slide79
Family Rules of Shame Based Systems
Be in control at all time of all behavior
Think in terms of if only ____, then _______.
Deny feelings, especially unpleasant ones.
Don’t even try to figure out the environment around you because it will change.
Expect unreliability and change.
Don’t think.
Don’t feel.
Don’t be who you are- be good, right, strong and perfect.Slide80
Poisonous Messages of Childhood
(Bradshaw, J., 1988, p. 63-64)
Adults are the masters of the dependent child.
They determine in godlike fashion wat is right and what is wrong.
The child is held responsible for their parents’ anger.
The parents must always be shielded.
The child’s life affirming feelings pose a threat to the parent.
The child’s will must be “broken” a soon as possible.
All this must happen at a very early age so that the child “won’t notice” and will therefore not be able to expose the adult.Slide81
The “Good’ Child (Brown, B., 2012, p. 52-53)
:
Never inconveniences parents
Never embarrasses or disappoints parents
Never has personal needs
Knows how to do everything correctly without being taught
Never has a critical or separate thought
Never loses (except when competing with a parent)
Never gets less than an A for any reason
Thrives on instability chaos and pain
Does everything parents ask joyfully, instantly, and perfectly
Never remembers anything but the happy times
Emotions are unnecessary burdensSlide82
Shame Is Part of Early Learning as a Toddler
Hangs head
Avoids eyes contact
Stop smiling
Stops all activity
Rage against other who humiliated them
Lack of empathy for others
Fear of accepting help
Discomfort asking questions
Anxious about therapy
Straightforward, direct communication is difficult
Fear of new skills produces failure
Lies, excuses, distortions- indirectSlide83
Other Side Effects of Shame: Thought Addiction
Mental preoccupation
If the other person place or thing only would ____, then I could _____...
Trying to sort through painful emotions
An attempt to avoid feelings associated with shameSlide84
Cognitive Behavioral Strategies
Shoulds
If only
___, then
___.
Have
tos
Absolutes: good/bad
Right/wrong
Success/failure
Teach the cycle of feelings, thoughts/beliefs, intensified feelings, missed goals, and toxic behaviors.
Help the client identify his/her irrational misbeliefs.
Teach cognitive debating strategies.
Develop specific healthy renewed thoughts/beliefs and behaviors which will indirectly assist with overcoming feelings of defeat, lack of control, etc.Slide85
Cognitive Behavioral Principles
Continuing to elicit negative thoughts and record more helpful ways of thinking about situations, self and others to influence emotion positively.
Reviewing thoughts, particularly expectations for self and ‘
shoulds
’ rather than ‘wants’.
Identifying rules for living and examining their helpfulness.
Identifying unhelpful thinking styles that lower mood. Encouraging the client to analyze thoughts and then step back from them.
Reviewing alternative explanations for negative automatic thoughts.
Conducting behavioral experiments to help increase believability of alternative thoughts.
Listing goals with an emphasis on own needs and expectations.Slide86
Thinking Error Types
1)
Awfulizing/Catastrophizing
- Predicting only negative outcomes for the future: “ ____ is awful, terrible, catastrophic or as bad as it could possibly be”, “If ___ happens my life is over.”
2)
Disqualifying/Discounting
- Overlooking the positive and only seeing the negative, believing that good things don’t count: “I am sure even when my family complimented me they had to because they are my relatives. They had to be nice.”
3)
All or nothing
- Viewing the situation on one end of extremes: “If my boss corrects me I must be the worst employee”, “If my child does something wrong I failed as a parent”, “If I didn’t pass one exam I am an unsuccessful student.”
4
Low Frustration Tolerance
- Belief that things should not be inconvenient: “I can’t stand _____” ; “_____ is too much and is intolerable or unbearable.”Slide87
Thinking Error Types
5)
Self Downing
- Self deprecating thoughts: “I am no good, worthless, useless, and utter failure, beyond hope or help, devoid of value.”
6)
Other downing
- Derogatory beliefs about others: “You are no good, worthless, useless, an utter failure, beyond hope, of no value.”
7)
Emotional reasoning
- Letting emotions totally overrule facts to the contrary: “I feel as if everyone is talking about me.”
8)
Labeling
- Giving a label or stereotype without testing beliefs out:” All of them are like that.”
9)
Mind reading
- Trying to predict things based on limited aspects of a situation: “ I know they will think I’m poor because I can’t afford the latest clothes.”Slide88
Thinking Error Types
10)
Overgeneralization
- Making broad conclusions about an event based on limited information: “My husband doesn’t love me because he is always busy when I am around.”
11)
Personalization
- Assuming that others behaviors are all about you: “My wife is quiet. Something must be on her mind.”
12)
Shoulds
/musts
- Having an absolute concrete standard about how things ought to be: “ Successful people in life only get As in school.”Slide89
Cognitive Debating Strategies
Is this a fact/strong opinion?
What evidence is there for this? Any evidence against this?
Alternative explanations that are more reasonable/possible?
Is there another way of feeling or thinking?
What would someone else make of this situation?
What advice would I give someone else?
Is this a type of unhelpful thinking habits?
Is this an automatic thought?Slide90
Cognitive Debating Strategies
What am I actually reacting to?
Am I getting anything out of proportion?
What harm has actually been done?
Am I overestimating the bad? The danger?
Am I underestimating my ability to cope?
Am I going to a negative automatic place?
How is pressuring myself or others helping me get through this?
Just because I feel bad is it really bad?
Are things really totally black or white- as clear cut as I am making them?
Can there be more than one solution to this problem?Slide91
Cognitive Debating Strategies
Is believing this life giving or death producing?
How important is this really?
How will things be in 1 week? 1 month? 6 months? 1 year? If I continue thinking or behaving this way?
What would happen if I tried to see this situation as an outside observer? How would things look? Would things have a different meaning?
What is the bigger picture?Slide92
Changing Distortions
Type of Thinking
Negative Impact
Replacement
All or nothing
Discouragement,
No middle ground
Continuum thinking
Overgeneralization
Makes all problems last forever
Focus on the here and now
Negativity
Makes the positive impossible
Appreciate the positives
Discounting the positive
Eliminates real joy in the present
Purposely find and enjoy the positivesSlide93
Changing Distortions
Jumping to Conclusions
Anger, anxiety, depression
Consider all possibilities
Predictions
Dread, disaster, panic
Stay in the present
Mind reading
Anxiety, sadness, anger, assumptions
Clear communication
Magnification
Treating people unfairly
See strengths in self and others
Emotional reasoning
Upsetting judgments made without evidence
Listdn
to your head and heartSlide94
Changing Distortions
Shoulds
Discouragement at self, anger at others
Bring expectations in line with reality
Labeling
Discouragement at self, anger at others
Stick to specific circumstances
Blame
Discouragement at self, anger at others
Stick to specific circumstancesSlide95
Challenging Attributions
1) Am I ascribing something like “This situation happened because ______?”
2)Am I making a judgment about another person’s personality because of this event? What am I telling myself about what this means? (Because this happened, it means---)
3) Am I using adjectives to describe the other person’s personality, intentions rather than simply describing the behavior? (e.g. “You are always so lazy. You never care about our house.” versus “I am concerned about the amount of cleaning we still have to do. I realize we have busy tiring jobs but I am wondering how we plan to get the dishes done and get our things set up for tomorrow plus help the kids to finish their homework. How do we plan to get to divide these things up- any ideas?”)Slide96
Challenging Attributions
4) Is the way I’m thinking about this definitely 100% a fact?
5) Is there any other way of looking at the situation? Come up with at least three exceptions.
6) Have I assumed that because something is (perceived by me to be) such and such way that I am powerless over it? Slide97
Attributions Exercises
1) My spouse came home late two days this week. His clothes were a little disheveled looking- he must be having an affair.
2) My wife was supposed to meet me for the romantic dinner. She was ½ hour late and did not call me. When I saw her I had to yell at her because I knew she did not make our dinner a priority.
3) My coworker left a pile of unfinished work on her desk. It must be that she is lazy and planned to have me do all her dirty work.Slide98
Keys To Shame Resilience
The ability to recognize and understand shame triggers
High levels of critical awareness about shame triggers.
Willingness to reach out to others
Ability to speak shame- put hurt and pains into wordsSlide99
Exercise Into Shame Triggers
:
I want others to think, feel, perceive _____ about me.
I DO NOT want others to think, feel, perceive _____ about me.
Who benefits from my expectations?
How realistic are they?
If they are not life giving but are death producing and discouraging how can I continue to tell myself them?
Do the expectations conflict with each other?
Is my identity focused on what I truly want or what I think or what others want for me?
What would be the worst thing about if someone perceives my identity differently than I do? How will I handle it?
What can I really control about what people think of me?
What can I really control about what happens to me?Slide100
Examples of Shame
An older person going back to school to learn skills and advance at work but feels out of place about not being up to date on latest technology
A doctor blaming a parent for not watching enough or taking care enough since the child got an infection.
Someone telling a mom who missing here daughter who did that the mom should not grieve because we all know she is in a better place.
Someone in a long lasting marriage who has stuck it out does not understand why divorced single parent juggling everything in life cannot just work through it.
A man who is ashamed to say his wife got a DUI and is an alcoholic.
A person is ashamed to say that their family member is in jail for a crime when asked where he is and how he is doing.
A person who is consumed with an addiction does not want anyone to know the amount of time they spend on that.Slide101
Examples of Shame
A woman who has postpartum depression has intrusive unwanted thoughts regarding hurting her kids since her postpartum depression is worse.
A spouse hides at home alone not wanting anyone to know that the reasons the spouse died was for suicide.
A family keeps secrets to protect the fact that they will never know how that relative died.
A middle aged adult struggles to find employment because he/she never graduated from high school.
A woman struggles to trust anyone because she has been raped
A person who has made many mistakes in life but as now changes his/her ways fears that others will always know and remember w he she used to be.Slide102
Examples of Shame
Something happened that wasn’t supposed to happen to me as I was a good, ethical moral nice person. I dot deserve this. What did I do so bad to deserve this?
A person tries to open up to talk about certain things with others but feels like everyone is tired of hearing her.
Someone tries to guess what she should and should not say around others so as to not rock the boat.
A woman feels out of place when others tease her about the years passing and her not having children as she struggles with infertility.
Everyone around you thinks you are an amazing person juggling tasks that would be hard for anyone to manage. However inside you know how inadequate you feel. Slide103
Building Empathy: Your Connection Network
Who gives empathy and support?
Who keeps the shame going?
How do you build empathy with others?Slide104
Principles of The Fire
“If your house is on fire, the most urgent thing to do is to go back and try to put out the fire, not to run after the person you believe to be the arsonist. If you run after the person you suspect has burned your house, your house will burn down while you are chasing him or her. That is nor the action of a wise person. You must go back and put out the fire. When you are angry, if you continue to interact with or argue with the other person, if you try to punish hi m or her, you are acting exactly like someone who runs after the arsonist while their home goes up in flames.”
(Hanh, T., N, 2004)Slide105
What People On Receiving End Can Do
Affirming mattering
Normalizing emotions
Allowing other to have a voice
Communication game: You feel _____ when _____ happened and in the future you’d like ____.
(get 3 yes answers indicates understanding/empathy)Slide106
Dealing with Offenses: Both Offender and Offended
“A preacher put this question to a class of children: “If all the people in the world were red and all the bad people were green, what color would you be?” Little Linda Jean thought mightily for a moment. Then her face brightened and she replied: Reverend, I’d be streaky.”
Kurtz, E. & Ketcham, K., 1992, p. 56
“It is only by ceasing to play God, by coming to terms with errors ad shortcomings, and by accepting the inability to control every aspect of their lives that[we can] find the peace and serenity that things like alcohol, drugs, sex, money, materialism, possessions, power, money, privilege, etc. promise but never deliver.”
Kurtz, E. & Ketcham, K., 1992Slide107
Undoing Shame In Relationships- Behavior Requests
“If you are capable of writing or saying these three sentences, you are capable of true love. You are using the authentic language. “Darling, I suffer, and I want you to know it. Darling, I am doing my best. I’m not trying to blame anyone, including you. Since we are so close to each other, since we have made a commitment to each other, I feel I need your support and your help to get out of this state of suffering, of anger.” Using the three sentences to communicate with the other person can quickly reassure and relieve him or her. The way you handle your anger will inspire a lot of confidence and respect in the other person and in yourself. This is not very difficult to do.”
(Hanh, T., N, 2004)Slide108
Healthy Family relationship messages
You can be who you are.
You are allowed to just be a child.
You do not exist to just please me.
You can develop at your own personal pace and style.
You can ask for what you need.
You can try out new things.
You can express the full range of feelings, thoughts, and opinions.
You are worth someone being there for you.Slide109
Healthy Shame/Guilt
Permission to be wholly human
Ability to be perfectly imperfect
Freedom to ask for help to get needs met
Balanced autonomySlide110
Coping With The Shame Emotionally
“Our body is impermanent, our emotions are impermanent, and our perceptions are impermanent. Our anger, our sadness, our love, our hatred, and our consciousness are also impermanent.”
(Hanh, T., N, 2004)Slide111
Seven Mistakes and Fixes-Schwirzer, J.J.
Problems
Fixes
Criticism:
Proportion of negatives to positives, positive thoughts must be held to memory for 1 seconds to become integrated
Affirmation:
5 to 1 or 10 to one affirmations to criticisms
Complaining
: pointing out and dwelling on the negative
Gratitude
: thankfulness, finding the good
Self pity
: playing the victim
Taking responsibility
: making amends
Worry
: fight or flight, constant readiness for action
Trust
: Lessen worry time by solution focused active methods of remembering the goodSlide112
Seven Mistakes and Fixes-Schwirzer, J.J.
Problems
Fixes
Avoidance: not doing what one knows to do
Action: use your will to choose the good
Emotionalism: reacting based on memories linked to a feeling (in absence of evidence)
Reason: Cognitive debating strategies
Bitterness:
overprocessing
pain
Forgiveness: choice to let go of the painSlide113
Forgiveness and Disease (Elliott, B. A., 2011; Green, M., Decourville, N., &
Sadava
, S., 2012)
:
Unforgiveness
increases the inflammatory response
Releases high levels of cortisol so body is in action mode like there is a real and present threat
All parts of the body are affected (heart, sleep, digestion, mood)
True forgiveness must not involve simply cognitive decision (least effective) but also emotional forgiveness- thinking differently about the offender and the offense
Higher levels of forgiveness= Better cardio functioning, improved endocrine and immune systemsSlide114
Four Phases in Forgiveness:
Uncovering as person
= aware of probes and pain
Deciding
- must be an alternative
Working
: reframing in terms of empathy and acceptance
Deepening
- new meaning and conceptualizationSlide115
REACH Approach:
R Recall the hurt
E Empathize with the offender
A Give an altruistic gift of forgiveness
C Commit to the forgiveness experience
H Hold onto forgiveness even when doubt arisesSlide116
Across the literature when people are surveyed willingness to forgive is almost always one of top ten things named as strengths in relationships and promoting relationship health.Slide117
Forgiveness determined to be central in:
Abuse trauma recovery
Incest recovery
Terminal illnesses
Men affected by their partners having an abortion
Cancer
Substance abusers
Affairs and infidelitySlide118
Definitions
“letting go of bad feelings”
“No longer feeling destructive things inside”
“Choosing to be healthy regardless of what has been done to you”
“Moving on with life”Slide119
Forgiveness in Death and Dying
Needed by many hospice patients for closure
More than 85% of patients needed it to move on
End of life issues bring out need for forgiveness
What people need mostSlide120
Forgiveness in Death and Dying
Love
Affirmation
Gratitude
Knowing they will be missed
Reassurance
Hanging on
Letting go
See you again
Forgiveness
Apology
Seeing forgiveness
Offense by family memberSlide121
Stages of Change:
Pre-contemplation
- no behavior change intended in next 6 months
Contemplation
- change intended within next 6 months, not within next 30 days
Preparation
-Change is intended in next 30 days and some actions made
Action
- change is implemented but not yet maintained for more than 6 months
Maintenance
- change is kept up for 6 months or moreSlide122
Decisional Versus Emotional Forgiveness
Decisions less effective in western cultures that prize individualism
More valued in collectivist cultures that value collective Slide123
Two Aspects of Genuine Forgiveness
Cognitive change
Behavior change
Within both is not genuine forgiveness
Cognitive= a knowledge that I am forgiven and forgive others
Behavioral= Choosing to do different things that breed security, hope, accountability, etc.
Trauma, conflict, anxiety, resentment will not lessen if both are not in place because the offended will not think he or she can really take the other seriouslySlide124
Developing Narratives
Use the words “grief accounts” instead of “grief stories”
Assist in meeting roles of: mourning and returning to life
Practice grief (ex: self eulogy, reality- beginning, middle, and end of stories)
Restorative narrative- should be designed to fix, cure, and heal
By end of story should be some new activities aimed at coping with the grief in productive waysSlide125
Good Grieving- TherapyAltmaier, E. M. (January 2011)
Larsen, D.,
Edey
, W., Lemay, L. (December 2007).
Grief as part of the human experience rather than as something to be mended
Focus on good which comes out of bad
Solution focus
Addresses: images and thoughts, separation, grief feelings
Trust to allow the story to come forth
Increased sense of spirituality or good in spite of loss
Instills hope- the story is ongoing- 15%Slide126
Feelings To Deal With
Anger
Hurt or pain
Betrayal
Sadness
Confusion Bewilderment
Upset
Disappointed/let down
Hatred
Frustration
DepressionSlide127
Feelings To Deal With
Identify The Client’s Feelings As you see them in each scenario.
1) I can’t believe that my friend who I’ve known since childhood did that! After all those years I never would have guessed. I thought I knew him better. How can I ever trust him again when I didn’t even see this coming?Slide128
Feelings To Deal With
2) I thought my home would be a safe place but I found out it wasn’t. If it wasn’t for my mom’s boyfriends coming in and having their way with me then it was the domestic fights between my mom and dad. And I never got the opportunity to live in a quiet, safe neighborhood either. If not violence inside there were random gunshots and crimes outside. I never knew where I was safe . I still don’t know what safe is. How will I ever know? Life is awful and unsafe. No one can be trusted. And trying to be the good kid in school and at home doesn’t help either. Even if you study hard, clean your room and behave you are abused. Life is unfair and cruelSlide129
Feelings To Deal With
3) I can never do things right. I tried so hard but it seems I always fail. I put my all into things but they don’t work out.
4) She was never there for me but she was my mom after all. I had to raise myself . Even as a young child I cooked food and took care of my brothers and sisters while she was out on the streets doing her thing. I cleaned the house so no one could tell how bad things really were. I had to grow up before my time. I never got to be a kid. Why did mom get to do what she pleased but I had to be the grown up she wasn’t acting like a grown up herself? Now I missed out on so much and I’m angry and bitter. Slide130
Feelings To Deal With
5) My biological parents gave me up for adoption. Now they want to meet me. They said they were young and did what they believed was the best chance for me in life. But growing up not knowing who you really are or why you are unwanted does not feel like the best chance to me. They expect me to just forgive and move on though I went through so much self doubt, rejection, abandonment. They were living their lives . They didn’t try. They didn’t make me a priority.Slide131
Feelings To Deal With
6) My bosses are always against me. I have been on 20 jobs in the last year and they always find something to fire me for. They let other people get away with things but not me. I’m sure my next boss will just be the same. You can only get ahead in life if you are the best friend of the company owner.
7) Every day it is another surprise. All my friends are dying. I have one loss after another. Life gives me more than my share of issues. There is no end in sight. Other people get a break but not me. I guess some people just get lucky and some people never get anything. Slide132
Offenses and ChildrenMcAdams III, C. R., Dewell, J. A., & Holman, A. R.
Children are egocentric
Children react by becoming erratic and disorganized
Possibility of long term adjustment problems including reactive attachment disorder
Testing security and trust in all relationships
Internalized rage- behavioral problemsSlide133
Clinical Issues: Forgiveness With Children
1)
Feelings Faces
identifying feelings
play therapies- drawing self- highlighting where angry, anxious
fearful,etc
.
normalizing (work with collateral sources)
expressing feelings in appropriate ways
(e.g. “I Messages”)
behavioral therapies
2)
Feelings Box
special place for kids to put feelings and concerns in and then discuss in therapySlide134
Clinical Issues: Forgiveness With Children
3)
Behavioral relaxation
for physical tensions
4)
Mutual Storytelling
- Help child to tell story with the characters and feelings but reframe as ongoing as still shaped by certain factors in child’s control, writing book of techniques learned in counseling
4)
Sentence completion exercises
re. worries, fears, wishes, etc. then use cognitive-behavioral to process through Slide135
WATCH WHERE YOU PUT YOUR BUTS:
Unpleasant feelings BUT Positive self statement,
Concerns Strengths based comment
Worries
Irrational thoughts
Questions/DoubtsSlide136
Clinical Christian & Pastoral Counseling Approaches
Pierre Balthasar (2007):
Father Images and God Images
Those with inadequate father/parental/guardian images struggled with the God aspect of forgiveness and believing that they could hand over control to someone who would be just, caring, and merciful.
Highlights importance of context in therapy
Incorporate family systems and healing of childhood wounds in therapy for these individuals (e.g. LSQ)Slide137
The Core Issue: DifferentiationHill, W.E., Hasty, C., And Moore, C. J. (2011)
Differentiation:
The ability to connect with others without being emotionally too reactive or defensive
Connection with self regulation (no extremes of accommodating or disconnecting- codependency)
Interdependence
Placing situations in context
Not taking everything personally
Ability to tolerate ambiguity
Forgiveness as process
Humility and brokenness with empathy for the offender
Predictive of less anxiety and depression, less psychological problems Slide138
Four Types of Reactions to Offenses
Dr. Janis
Abrahms
-Spring (2004) Page10Slide139
Cheap Forgiveness
Individuals quickly do an action to behaviorally seem as if they have absolved someone but does nothing to foster genuine interpersonal healing and improved relational dynamics
Considered inauthentic, cover for hatred and contempt and other emotions not dealt with
Premature
No processing of emotions
Common among those who want to keep relationship at any cost:
(E.g. Overly compliant, conflict avoiders, codependent caretakers)
Can lead to moral superiority
May set hurt party up for health and emotional problemsSlide140
Refusing To Forgive
When you think forgiveness is not possible without reconciliation
To send a clear signal that you won’t accept a violation
Control and punishment based
Fosters sense of impotence and invulnerability
Common in people with all or nothing polarized thinkingSlide141
Acceptance
Feels all the emotions and does not bypass the emotional work of the wounded party
Promotes healthy self care- overcome revenge, ensuring your safety, restoring self worth, resisting obsession
Especially when the offender is not an active part of healing process
When reconciliation is not healthy or possible
Able to empathize with the offender
Looks at both parties parts in thingsSlide142
Genuine Forgiveness
“An intimate dance between offender and the offended”
Offender recognizes and verbalizes need to be forgiven
Each takes responsibility for his or her part
To assess the injury together and reprocess
Not just automatic but is work and is earned, conditional
Offender express genuine remorse and specific plan to avoid behavior in the future
Offender hears the depth of the pain caused and listens to the offended then works to make amends and get the relationship back on track
Allows for detailed discussion of all parts of the pain without debating or cutting off or correcting the other’s experience/perception
Involves behavioral requests and responsesSlide143
Ingredients of a Good Apology
1)With responsibility for each persons’ part in the offense.
2) Personal: (When ___ happened you felt ____. You needed _____ and in the future you hope for _______).
3) Specific behavior plan for the future- how we will handle triggers again.
4) Deep apology, not just surface level.
5) Genuineness in interactions
6) Direct apology without a bunch of other stuffSlide144
Examples of Bad Apologies
Avoid
:
Sorry.
I am sorry for whatever hurt you.
What else do you want now?
I am just like this. This is how I am but I am sorry.
This is my personality, culture, etc. It is not likely to change.
I’ll say I’m sorry if it will help but I don’t know why.
I cannot believe you need me to apologize for that.
I am sorry for ___ BUT ….Slide145
Culture and Forgiveness
Collectivist Mindset and Forgiveness
Hook, J. N., Worthington Jr., E. L.,
Utsey,S
. O., Davis, D. E., & Burnette, J. L. (April 2012).
Fosters forgiveness more than those with an individualized mindset
Goals: Interpersonal harmony, reconciliation instead of personal feelings of peace and happiness
Collectivism
a social pattern consisting of
closely linked
individuals who
(a) see themselves as connected with the collective in which they are members;
(b) are motivated primarily by the social norms and duties of their collective;
(c) place more importance on collective goals than on their own personal goals; and
(d) emphasize their connectedness to other members of the collective.Slide146
Culture and Forgiveness
Individualism
a social pattern consisting of
loosely linked
individuals who
(a) see themselves as relatively independent from the collective in which they
are members;
(b) are motivated primarily by their own preferences, needs,
rights, or contracts they have made with others;
(c) place more importance on personal than collective goals; and
(d) tend to make decisions on whether to associate with others on an analysis of costs and benefits to the individual.Slide147
Inspiring Hope Cutcliffe, J.R.. (2006)
Through connecting in the therapeutic context
Through helping process emotions with the client until there is a release
Throughout assisting the client in coming up with an alternative endingSlide148
Hope Versus Want and Desire
Want/Desire
May or may not happen
May or may not be manageable and achievable
May or may not have the skills to attain the goal
Hope
Able to be attained by the hopeful person
Skill base is there or can be easily gotten
Possible and realistic to achieve
Able to access resourcesSlide149
Hopeful ElementsCutcliffe, J.R.. (2006)
Connectedness- self and others
Uplifting memories
Cognitive strategies
Spiritual or philosophical beliefs which support hope
Refocusing of time and energy
Purposeful activities
Ability to tolerate ebb and flow
Atmosphere of acceptanceSlide150
Using Narrative Approaches To Help People Process Pain
Respect the client’s stories and respect their conclusions (What are the stories I tell myself? What repels me and what attracts me?)
The inevitability of pain is what it takes to bring genuine healing.
No testimony without a test or pain.
No victory without vulnerability.
There is no straight line of easy means to perfection.
Life proves us.
Life is a battle to avoid dualistic extremes of thinking and behavior.
Assisting clients in telling beginning, middle, endSlide151
Narrative Approaches to Counseling
(Pembroke, 2005)
Reconceptualizing
problem-bound stories
Helping the client re-assemble unique alternative outcomes
Helping the client make the new alternative endings and strong and as possible as the problem bound ones
Partnership in the story between the client, the counselor, and the support system (affirmation strength, strengthening)Slide152
Narrative Interventions For Forgiveness
(
Landry,D.F
.,
Rachal,K.C
,
Rachal,W.S
., &
Rosenthal,G.T
.- 2005)
Translating thoughts into narrative makes emotional processing and forgiveness more manageable
Look at the frequency of words- increase the frequency of positive and neutral words (attribution retraining)
Helps a great deal with rumination aspects of both self forgiveness and other forgiveness
The longer the intervention the larger the effects
Gains maintained over time
Strengths- when therapist directed and with perspective taking can promote empathySlide153
Power Versus Love
Power
Love
Me first
How may I serve you?
Manipulation
Builds up
Exhausts others
Refreshes others
Rarely genuinely happy
Understands happiness
Rewarded-idolizing money
Money- a means to an endSlide154
Power Versus Love
Power
Love
Steps on others
A bridge to another’s betterment
Wounds
Binds up wounds
Joyless
Joy
Does not understand love
Does not understand power and is not impressed
Forgiveness= weakness
Forgiveness=strengthSlide155
The Age of the Disordered Will
Problem
: Willing what cannot be willed
Trying to control what is not ours to control
Trying to coerce what cannot be forced.
Craving what is not life givingSlide156
Hardiness helps heal pain
Ability to see things in context
Realization that they did not cause the abuse
Produces higher resilience
A transformational coping style
Based on internal wholeness
Choices to distance from unhealthy relationshipsSlide157
Healing after Shaming Someone
“ I had no idea there was a difference between shame and guilt. I think I shamed you and your entire life. I meant to use guilt. I never thought you weren’t good enough. I did not like your choices. But I shamed you. I can’t take that back, but I need you to know that you’re the best thing that ever happened to me and I’m so proud to be your ___________ .”Slide158
Compassion
Looks at our shared humanity
None of us is perfect
We’ve all struggledSlide159
Compassionate Mind Therapy
Depression- the inner critic accepts negative targeting
Can be fought an counteracted
Visualize the confident, overcoming self
Strong, unbeatable
Don’t have to accept the inner critic
Think of evidence opposing the inner critic
You have permission and courage to fight back
If there’s not evidence for negative criticism you can choose what to accept
You can decide how you will allow yourself to be treatedSlide160
Meaning Making
Develop short and long term goals
Suffering helps redefine self
Growth producing and enhancing
Thriving as a person
Appreciating beauty
Finds light in the darkness
Finds meaning in faithSlide161
Moving From Shame to Guilt
Stay behavioral in goals
Teach boundaries which produce stability
Responsibility/amends rather than blame
Moving toward healthy support rather than withdrawal and avoidanceSlide162
Patience
They don’t give up during the waiting time.
Waiting time- things still happening.
Able to sit still when necessary and act when necessarySlide163
Optimism
A healthy nonpersonal way of explaining and attributing things
Things are temporary, specific and external- leads to resilience
Future orientation
Confidence in midst of challenges
Able to perceive the end rather than get stuck in the process
Ignore unproductive pain and adaptSlide164
Pace
Intelligence associated with speed at which things are done
Also knowledge of when to slow things downSlide165
Connections/Social Supports
Not simply number of supports but quality of supports
Promoting restorative narrativeSlide166
Openness To Change
Willing to learn new things
Assess things each time to see what has gone well and what needs to be modified
Look at present, sort term and long term simultaneouslySlide167
Engagement and Interest
Likes trying new things
Does not remain stuck in old things that may or may not work
Potential to growSlide168
Strengths Orientation/Solution Focus
:
How did you manage in spite of___________ ?
3 good things- finding exceptions
Discovering strengths- personality characteristics that help people endure
Building on strengths you already have
Focusing on positive memoriesSlide169
Who Bounces Back?
(Seligman, M, 2011)
Setbacks are temporary, local, and changeable
Those who keep persisting at tasks
Those with new and different ideas
Those who look beyond the initial opposition
Those who mentally separate the heat of the moment and its stresses from life’s decisions.
Those who apply cognitive behavioral strategies to identify toxic beliefs and behaviors and change themSlide170
Can Hope Be Learned?
Martin Seligman’s idea of learned optimism or learned helplessness
Learned optimism
- bad events are only temporary and situational rather than permanent and long term
Albert Bandura’s idea of
self efficacy
- people can take on individual responsibility for their reactions, people’s beliefs govern their lives (
e.g
perseverence
in the face of difficulty)Slide171
Wholehearted Living (B,
Brene
, 2012, p.9)
Cultivating
authenticity
- letting go of what people think
Cultivating
self compassion
- letting go of perfectionism
Cultivating
a resilient spirit
: letting go of numbing and powerlessness
Cultivating
gratitude and joy
: letting go of scarcity and fear of the dark
Cultivating
intuition
and trusting
faith
: letting go of the need for certainty
Cultivating
creativity
: letting go of comparison
Cultivating
play and rest
: letting go of exhaustion as a status symbol ad productivity as self worth
Cultivating
calm and stillness
: letting go of anxiety as s lifestyle
Cultivating
meaningful work
: letting go of self doubt and supposed to
Cultivating
laughter, song, and dance
: letting go of being cool and always in controlSlide172
Wholehearted Living
Simultaneously being imperfect and failing yet still worthy of love.
Seeing vulnerability as something necessary and desirable to create genuine intimacy in relationships
Courage to risk failure and heartbreak
Willing to feel authentically what I feel on the hear and now.Slide173
Vulnerability
Learning to be comfortable with not being ____ enough
Learning to deal with fear of the unknown
Defined as: “We wake up every day and loving someone who may or may not love us back, whose safety we can’t ensure, who may stay in our lives or may leave without a moment’s notice, who may be loyal to the day I die or betray us tomorrow- that’s vulnerability. Love is uncertain. It’s incredibly risky. And loving someone leaves u emotionally exposed. Yes- it’s scary and yes, we’re open to being hurt but can you imagine your life without being loving or being loved?” (Brown, B., 2012, p.34)
Definition #2: capable of being wounded, open to attack or damage” (Brown, B., 2012, p.39)Slide174
Becoming Vulnerable- a good thing
“Many of us prefer practices that will not causes discomfort, yet at the same time we want to be healed…But (it) doesn’t work that way. A warrior accepts that we can never know what will happen to us next. We can try to control the uncontrollable by looking for the security and predictability, always hoping to be comfortable and safe. But the truth is that we can never avoid uncertainty. This not knowing is part of the adventure, and it’s also what makes us afraid. This ‘I’ who wants something to hold on to- can finally learn to grow up.”
(
Chondron,P
., 2002)Slide175
Exercise: Write a pledge to self.Slide176
Bibliography
Abrahms
-Spring, J. (2004).
How can I forgive you?
New York, New York: Harper Collins Publishers.
Altmaier
, E. M. (January 2011).
Best practices in counseling grief and loss: Finding benefit from trauma
.
Journal of Mental Health Counseling, 33 (1),
33.
Aponte,H.J. (1998). Love, the spiritual well being of forgiveness: An example of spirituality in therapy. Journal of Family Therapy
, 20, 37-58.
Balkin
, R. S., Freeman, S. I., & Lyman, S. R. (January 2009).
Forgiveness, reconciliation, and
mechila
: Integrating the Jewish concept of forgiveness into clinical practice
.
Counseling and Values, 53,
153.
Balthazar,P.M
. (2007).
How anger toward absentee fathers may make it difficult to call God “Father”
. Pastoral Psychology, 55
, 543-549.Slide177
Bibliography
Bartels, J.M., & Ryan, J. J. Fear of failure and achievement goals: A canonical analysis. Journal of Instructional Psychology, 40(2), 42-49.
Baskin, T.W., & Enright, R.D. (Winter 2004). Intervention studies on forgiveness: A meta-analysis.
Journal of Counseling & Development, ,82,
79-90.
Bassett, R.L., Bassett, K.M., Lloyd, M.W., & Johnson, J.L. (2006). Seeking forgiveness: Considering the role of moral emotions.
Journal of Psychology &
Theology, 34(2),
11-124.
Beattie,M
. (2006).
The grief club
. Center City, Minnesota: Hazelden.
Beaumont, E., Galpin, A., & Jenkins, P. ___________. kinder to myself: A prospective comparative study, exploring post-trauma therapy, outcoming measures for two groups of clients receiving either Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Compassionate Mind Training.
Beck, J.R. (2006). Collaboration between Biblical studies and counseling: Five crucial questions.
Journal of Psychology and Christianity, 25(2),
101-110.
Beckenbach
, J., Patrick, S., & Sells, J. (2010).
Relationship conflict and restoration model:
A preliminary exploration of concepts and therapeutic utility
.
Contemporary Family Therapy, 32,
290–301.Slide178
Bibliography
Beckenbach
, J., Patrick, S., & Sells, J. (2010).
Relationship conflict and restoration model:
A preliminary exploration of concepts and therapeutic utility
.
Contemporary Family Therapy, 32,
290–301.
Blocher
, W. G., Wade, N. G. (January 2010). Sustained effectiveness of two brief group interventions: Comparing an explicit forgiveness promoting treatment with a process-oriented treatment. Journal of Mental Health Counseling, 32(1), 58-74.
Berecz
, J.M (2001).
All that glitters is not gold: Bad forgiveness in counseling and preaching. Pastoral Psychology
, 253-275.
Blocher
, W.G., & Wade, N,G.(January 2010).
Sustained effectiveness of two brief group interventions: Comparing an explicit forgiveness-promoting treatment with a process-oriented treatmen
t.
Journal of Mental Health Counseling, 32(1), 58–74
Bloomberg,C
. (2006).
On building and breaking barriers: Forgiveness, salvation, and Christian counseling
with special reference to Matthew 18:15-35
.
Journal of Psychology and Counseling
, 25(2), 137-153.Slide179
Bibliography
Black, R. S. A., Curran, D., & Dyer, K. F. W. (2013). The impact of shame on the therapeutic alliance and intimate relationships
. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 69 (6)
, 646-654.
Blanton, P.G. (2005). Narrative family therapy and spiritual direction: Do they fit?
Journal of Psychology & Christianity, 24(1),
68-79.
Bootzin,R.R
. (1997).
Examining the theory and clinical utility of writing about emotional experiences
.
Psychological Science
, 8, 167-170. Brown, B. (2007).
I thought it was just me (but it isn’t)
. Avery Publishing: New York, NY.
Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: how the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we lie, love parent and lead. Avery Publishing: New York, NY.
Brown,B
. (2015). Rising strong: The reckoning. The rumble. The revolution.
Speigel
& Grau: New York NY.
Candea
, D. M. &
Szentagotai
, A. (March 2013). Shame and psychopathology: from research to clinical practice.
Journal of Cognitive and Behavioral Psychotherapies, 13(1)
, 101-113.
Carlson, R. (1997). Don’t sweat the small stuff… and it’s all small stuff. Hachette Books: New York, NY. Ruiz, D. M. (1997).
The four agreements
. Amber Lane Publishing: San Rafael, CA.Slide180
Bibliography
Cashwell
, S.S.,
Young,J.S
.,
Cashwell,T.H
., &
Belsire,C
. (2001).
The inclusion of spiritual process in counseling and perceived counselor effectiveness
.
Counseling and Values
, 45, 145-153.
Charles , S. (November 2011). The power of forgiveness. Ebony, 65.Cheong,R.K. & DiBlasio,F.A. (2007). Christ-like love and forgiveness: A Biblical foundation for
counseling practice.
Journal of Psychology and Christianity
, 26(1), 14-25.
Chodron, P. (2002). The places that scare you: A guide to fearlessness in difficult times. Shambhala Publications: Boulder, CO.
Ciarrochi
, J.W., & Brelsford, G.M. (October 2009). Spirituality, religion, and substances coping as regulators of emotions and meaning making: Different effects on pain and joy.
Journal of Addictions & Offender Counseling, 30
, 4-35.
Cioni,P.F
. (September 2007).
Forgiveness, cognitive restructuring and object transformation
.
Journal of
Religion and Health
, 46 (3), 385-497.
Cleary, M. &
Horsfall
, J. (2014). Forgiving, but not necessarily forgetting. Issues in Mental Health Nursing, 35, 562-564.Slide181
Bibliography
Cohen-Filipe, K., & Bentley, K.J. (2015). From every direction: Guilt, shame, and blame among parents of adolescents with co-occurring challenges.
Child and Adolescent Social Work Journal, 32,
443-454.
Cooney, A., Allan, A., Allan, M.M.,
McKillan
, D., Drake, D. G. (2011). The forgiveness process in primary and secondary victims of violent and sexual offenses.
Austrailian
Journal of Psychology, 63, 107-118.
Cornish, M.A. & Wade, N. G. (January 2015). A therapeutic model of self-forgiveness with intervention strategies for counselors. Journal of Counseling and Development, 93, 96-104.
Cosgrove, L., &
Konstam
, V. (January 2008
). Forgiveness and forgetting: Clinical implications for mental health counselors
.
Journal of Mental Health Counseling, 30 (1),
1–13.
Curtis,R.C
. & Glass, J.S. (October 2002).
Spirituality and teaching class: A teaching model
.
Counseling and Values
, 47, 3-12.
Cutcliffe
, J. R. (2006).
The principles and processes of inspiring hope in bereavement counselling: A
modified grounded theory study – part one
.
Journal of Psychiatric and Mental Health Nursing,
13,
598–603.Slide182
Bibliography
Daiis
, D.E., Hook, J,N., Worthington, E. L.
Relational spirituality and forgiveness: The roles of
attachment to God, religious coping, and mewing he transgression as a desecration
. Psychology and Christianity
,
, 27(4), 293-301.
DeHooge
, I. E.,
Zeelenberg
, M., & Bruegelmans, S.M. (201o). Restore and protect motivations following shame. Cognition and Emotion, 24(3), 111-127.DeLong, L.B. & Kahn, J. H. (2014). Shameful secrets and shame-prone dispositions: How outcome expectations mediate the relation between shame and disclosure. Counselling Psychology Quarterly, 27(3), 290-307.
DeRubeis,R.J
., Tang, T.Z., & Beck, A.T. (2002). Cognitive therapy. In K.S. Dobson (ed.).
Handbook of cognitive behavioral therapies
. (pp.349-392). New York: The Guilford Press.
Dean, J.B.,
Statton
, S.P.,
Nonneman
, A., J., Worthington, Jr., E. L. , & Bode, R.A. (2008).
Forgiveness
I
nterventions as
s
piritual development strategies:
Comparing forgiveness workshop trained expressive writing about forgiveness
.
Journal of Psychology and Christianity, 27(4), . No. 4.
347-357
Delgado, M. R. ( May 22, 2008). Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on oxytocin. Neuron, 58, 470-471.
Denton,R.T
. &
Martin,M.W
. (1998).
Defining forgiveness: An empirical exploration of process and role
.
American Journal of Family Therapy
, 26, 281-292.Slide183
Bibliography
Dillen
., A. (Feb 2012). The resilience of children and spirituality: A practical theological refection. International Journal of Children’s Spirituality, 17(1), 61-75.
Doerhing
, C. (2014). Emotions and change in spiritual care. Pastoral Psychology, 63, 583-596.
Duhachek
, A. Agrawal, N., & Han, D. (December 2012). Guilt versus shame: Coping, fluency, and framing in the effectiveness of responsible drinking messages. Journal of Marketing Research, 928-941.
Duncan, C., & Cacciatore, J. (2015). A systematic review of the peer-reviewed literature on self- blame, guilt, and shame.
OMEGA Journal of Death and Dying, 7(4),
312-342.
Elias, M. (January 2011). The shame game: Dispelling stigma allows young people to get the mental health support they need.
www.eddigest.com
, 35.Slide184
Bibliography
Elliott, B.A. (2011). Forgiveness therapy: A clinical intervention for chronic disease. Journal of Religious Health, 50, 240-247.
Enright, R. (2005). Eight keys to forgiveness. W.W. Norton and Company: New York, NY.
Exline
, J.J., Prince-Paul, M., Root, R. L.,
Peereboom
, K.S., & Worthington, E. L. (2012). Forgiveness: depressive symptoms and communication at the end of life: A study with family members of hospice patients. Journal of
Pallative
Medicine, 15(10), 1113-1119.
Feder, E.K. Tilting the ethical lens: Shame, disgust, and body in question.
Feinauer
, L., Hilton, G., Callahan, E. H. (2013). Hardiness as a moderator of shame associated with childhood sexual abuse.
Feiring
, C., Cleland, C.M., & Simon, V. A. (2010). Abuse-specific self schemas and self functioning: A prospective study of sexually abused youth.
Journal of Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychology, 39(1),
35-50.
Ferch,S.R
. (Summer 1998).
Intentional forgiving as a counseling intervention
.
Journal of Counseling & Development
,76, 261-270.
Ferroni-Bast
, D., Linares, I.M.P.,
Garres
, C.,
Kovar
, R., & Barnes-Holmes, D. (2016). The implicit relational assessment procedure (IRAP) as a measure of self-forgiveness. The impact of a training history in clinical behavior analysis. Psychological Record, 66, 177-190.
Fitzgibbons,R,Enright,R
, &
O’Brien,T.F
. (July 2004).
Learning to forgive
.
American School Board Journal
, 24-26.
Frazier, R. J. (2000) The subtle violations: Abuse and the projection of shame. Pastoral Psychology, 48(4), 315-336.
Freedman,S
. (1998).
Forgiveness and reconciliation: The importance of understanding how they differ
.
Counseling and Values
,42,200-216.Slide185
Gale, C., Gilbert, P., Read, N., Goss, K. (2014). An evaluation of the impact of introducing compassion focused therapy to a standard treatment
programme
for people with eating disorder. Clinical Psychology ad Psychotherapy, 21, 1-12.
Gao, J., Wang, A., Qian, M. (2010). Differentiating shame and guilt from a relational perspective and cross-cultural study. Social Behavior and Personality, 38(1), 1401-1408.
Gassin
, E. A., Lengel, G. J. (2014). Let me hear of your mercy in the mourning: Forgiveness, grief, and community bonds. Death
sStudies
, 38, 65-475.
Gausel
, N. & Brown, R. (2012). Shame and guilt- do they really differ in the focus of evaluation? Wanting to change the self and
behaviorin
response to ingroup immorality. The Journal of Social Psychology, 152(5), 547-567.
Gilbert, P. (2014). The origins and nature of compassion focused therapy. British Journal of Clinical Psychology, 53, 6-41.(2010). Self harm in a mixed clinical population: The roles of self criticism, shame, and social rank. British Journal of Clinical Psychology, 49, 563-576.
Gilbert, P., & Procter, S. (2006). Compassionate mind training for people with high shame and self criticism: Overview and pilot study of a group therapy approach.
Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy, 13
, 351-329.
Goss, K. & Allan, S. (2009). Shame, pride, and eating disorders.
Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy, .
Goss, K. & Allan, S. (2014). The developmental and application of compassion-focused treatment for eating disorders. (CFT-E
). British Journal of Clinical Psychology, 53,
62-77.Slide186
Graff, G. G. (2008). Shame in supervision.
Issues in Analytic Psychology, 30(1)
, 79-84.
Gray, R. (Winter 2010). Shame, labeling, and stigma: challenges to counseling clients in alcohol and other drug settings. Contemporary Drug Problems, 37, 685-703.
Griffin, B. J.,
Lavelock
, C. R., Worthington, E.L. (2014). On earth as it is in heaven: Healing through forgiveness. Journal of Psychology and Theology, 42(3), 252-259.
Grollman,E.A
. (1995).
Bereaved children and teens: A support guide for parents and professionals
. Boston, Massachusetts: Beacon Press.
Griffin, B. J.,
Lavelock
, C. R., Worthington, E.L. (2014). On earth as it is in heaven: Healing through forgiveness. Journal of Psychology and Theology, 42(3), 252-259.
Griffith, B.A., & Griggs, J.C. (October 2001). Religious identity status as a model to understand, assess, and interact with client spirituality.
Counseling &
Values, 46,
14-25.
Grollman,E.A
. (1995).
Bereaved children and teens: A support guide for parents and professionals
. Boston, Massachusetts: Beacon Press.
Guiterrez
, D., & Hagedorn, W. B. (January2013). The toxicity of shame applications for acceptance and commitment therapy. Journal of Mental Health Counseling, 35(1), 43-59.Slide187
Bibliography
Heen
, S. (May 2004).
The road to forgiveness
. In Real Simple, 5 (4), 263-267.
Hill, W.E., Hasty, C., And Moore, C. J. ( 2011 ).
Differentiation of self and the process of forgiveness: A Clinical perspective for couple and family therapy
.
The Australian and New Zealand Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy, 32(1), 43-57.
Hook, J.P. & Hook, J.N. (2010). The healing cycle: A Christian model for group therapy.
Journal of Psychology and Christianity, 29(4),
308-316.
Hook, J. N., Worthington Jr., E. L.,
Utsey,S
. O., Davis, D. E., & Burnette, J. L. (April 2012).
Collectivistic self-construal and forgiveness
.
Counseling and Values, 57
, 109.
Jennings,D.J
., Worthington, E.L.,
VanTongeren
, D. R., Hoot, J., Davis, D. E., Gartner, A.L., Greer, C. L., & Mosher, D. K. (2016). The transgressors response to denied forgiveness. Journal of Psychology and Theology, 44(1), 16-27.
Johnstone, B., Yoon, D. P., Cohen, D.,
Schoop
, L. H., McCormack, G., & Campbell, J., & Smith, M. (2012). Relationships among spirituality, religious practices, personality factors, and health for five different faith traditions. Journal of Religious Health, 51, 1017-1041.Slide188
Bibliography
Kanz
, J. (2000).
How do people conceptualize and use forgiveness?
In
Journal of Counseling and Values
, 174 (15).
Karen,R
. (2001).
The forgiving self: The road from resentment to connection
. New York, New York: Doubleday.
Kelly, A..,
Zuroff
, D. C., 7 Shapira, L. B. (2009). Soothing oneself and resisting self-attacks: The treatment of two interpersonal deficits in depression vulnerability. Cognitive Therapy Research, 33, 301-313.Klatt, J. S., & Enright, R. D. (October 2011). Initial validation of the unfolding forgiveness process in a natural environment.
Counseling and Values, 56
, 25.
Klein,C
. (1995).
How to forgive when you can’t forget: Healing our personal relationships
. New York, New York: Berkley Publishing.
Klein, K. Stress, expressive writing, and working memory. In S.J.
Leopre
& J.M. Smyth (eds.)
The Writing Cure: How expressive writing promotes health and well being
(pp.135-156). Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.Slide189
Bibliography
Konstram,V
.,
Chernoff
, M, &
Deveney,S
. (October 2001).
Toward forgiveness: The role of shame, guilt, anger and empathy
.
Counseling and Values
, 46, 26-39.
Konstram,V
., Holmes,W. & Levine, B. (April 2003). Empathy, selfism, and coping and elements of the psychology of forgiveness: A preliminary study. In
Counseling and Values
, Vol. 47, 172-183.
Konstram,V
,
Marx,F
,
Schurer,J
.,
Harrington,A
.,
Lombardo,N.E
., &
Deveney,S
. (July 2000). Forgiving: What mental health counselors are telling us.
Journal of Mental Health Counseling
, 22(3), 263-267.
Larsen, D.,
Edey
, W., Lemay, L. (December 2007).
Understanding the role of hope in counselling: Exploring the intentional uses of hope
.
Counselling Psychology Quarterly, 20(4)
, 401–416.
Laundry, D.,
Rachal,K.C
.,
Rachal,W.S
., &
Rosmenthal,G.T
. (2005).
Expressive disclosure following an interpersonal conflict: Can merely writing about an interpersonal offense motivate forgiveness?
Counseling and Clinical Psychology Journal
, 2 (1), 2-14.Slide190
Bibliography
Lawler-Row,K.A.,Younger,J.W.,
Piferi,R.L
., &
Jones,W.H
.
The role of adult attachment style in forgiveness following an interpersonal offense
.
Journal of Counseling & Development
, 84, 493-502.
Lowenstein, L. (2006).
Creative interventions for bereaved children
. Toronto, Canada: Champion Press.
Lutjen, L.J., Silton, N.K., & Flannelly, K. J. (2012). Religion, forgiveness, hostility, and health: A structural equation analysis. Journal of Religious Health, 51, 468-478.Lyons, G. C.B., Deane, F. P.,
Caputi
, P., & Kelly, P. J. (October 2011). Spirituality and the treatment of substance use disorders: An exploration of forgiveness, resentment, and purpose in life. Addiction research and theory, 19(5), 459-469. Slide191
Bibliography
McAdams III, C. R.,
Dewell
, J. A., & Holman, A. R. Children and chronic sorrow:
Reconceptualizing
the emotional impact of parental rejection and its treatment.
Journal of Humanistic Counseling, 50
, 27.
McComas
, M. D. (2003).
Sanctuary: A shelter for your soul
. Kearney, NE: Morris Publishing.
McCullough, M.E.,
Pargament,K.I., Thoresen,C.E. (Eds.) (2000). Forgiveness: Theory, research, and practice
. New York: Guilford Press.
McCullough,M.E.,Worthington,E.L.,Jr
. (1997).
Interpersonal forgiving in close relationships
.
Journal of Personality and Social Psychology
,73, 321-336.
McCullough, M. E. The real roots of vengeance and forgiveness. The Soul/Body Connection, 18-22.
Messay
, B., Dixon, L.T., & Rye, M.S. (March 2012). The relationship between Quest religious orientation, forgiveness, and mental health. Mental Health, Religion, and Culture, 15(3), 315-333.
Moorhead, H.
J.,Gill
, C., Minton, C. A.B., & Myers, J. E. (April 2012).
Forgive and forget? Forgiveness,
personality, and wellness among counselors-in-training
.
Counseling and Values, 57
, 81.
Moriarity
, G. (2006).
Pastoral care of depression
. New York, New York: The Hayworth Pastoral Press.
Murray, R.J. (April 2002).
The therapeutic use of forgiveness in healing intergenerational pain
.
Counseling and Values
,46, 188-198.Slide192
Bibliography
Navidian
, A., &
Bahari
, F. (2014).The impact of mixed hope and forgiveness-focused marital counselling on interpersonal cognitive distortions of couples filling for divorce. Journal of Psychiatric and Mental Health Nursing, 21, 658-666.
Orr, R.R.,
Sprague,A.M
., Goertzen,L.R.,
Cornock,B.L
.,
Taylor,D.P
. (Winter 2005).
Forgiveness in a counseling context: Definition and process
. Guidance and Counseling, 20(2), 71-77. Park,C.L
. &
Blumberg,C.J
. (2002).
Disclosing trauma through writing: testing the meaning-making hypothesis
.
Cognitive Therapy and Research
, 26, 597-616.
Pennebaker
, J.W. (1997).
Writing about emotional experiences as a therapeutic process
.
Psychological Science
,8, 162-166.Slide193
Bibliography
Reid,R
. &
Wooley,S.R
. (2006).
Using emotionally-focused therapy for couples to resolve attachment ruptures created by hypersexual behavior
. Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity, 43, 219-239.
Ripley, J,.S.,
Worthington,E.L
. (Fall 2002).
Hope-Focused and forgiveness-based group interventions to promote marital enrichment
.
Journal of Counseling and Development
, 80- 452-463. Roseth, C. J., Pellegrini, A. D., Dupuis, D. N., Bohn, C. M., Hickey, M. C., Hilk
, C. L., &
Peshkam
, A. (2011).
Preschoolers’
bistrategic
resource control, reconciliation, and peer regard.
Social Development, 20
, 1 on.
Sandage
, S. J., & Worthington, Jr, E., L. ( January 2010).
Comparison of two group interventions to promote forgiveness: Empathy as a mediator of change
. Journal of Mental Health Counseling, (1)
, 35–57.
Sansone
, R.A., Kelley, A. R., &
Forbis
, J. S. (2014). The status of forgiveness among those bullied in childhood. Mental Health, Religion, and Culture, 17(4), 339-344.
Schwirzen
, J. J. The
sevee
mistakes that can sabotage your best intentions.
www.vibrantlife.com
16-19.
Strang
, S.,
Utikal
, V.,
Fischbacher
, U., Weber, B., & Falk, A. (February 2014). Neural correlates of receiving an apology ad active forgiveness: An fMRI study. Open Access, 9(2), 1-7.Slide194
Bibliography
Strelan
, P., Acton, C., & Patrick, K. (April 2009).
Disappointment with God and well-being: The mediating influence of relationship quality and dispositional forgiveness
.
Counseling and Values, 53.
Strelan
, P. &
Wojtysiak
, N. (January 2009).
Strategies for coping with interpersonal hurt: Preliminary evidence for the relationship between coping and forgiveness
.
Counseling and Values, 53.Turnage,B.F,
Jacinto,G.A
., &
Irven,J
. (Spring 2003).
Reality therapy, violence survivors, and self forgiveness
.
International Journal of Reality Therapy
, 23(2), 24-27.
Uysal
, R., &
Satici
, S. A. (2014). The mediating and moderating role of subjective happiness in the relationship between vengeance and forgiveness. Educational Sciences: Theory and Practice: 14(6), 097-2105.
Vitz
, P. ., & Meade, J. M. (2011). Self-forgiveness in psychology and psychotherapy: A critique. Journal of Religious Health, 50, 248-263.Slide195
Bibliography
Wade, N. G. (January 2010). Introduction to the special issue on forgiveness in therapy. Journal of Mental Health Counseling, 32(1), 1-4.
Wade, N. G. (January 2010).
Introduction to the special issue on forgiveness in therapy
.
Journal of Mental Health Counseling
,
32(1), 1–4.
Wade,N.G
. &
Worthington,E.L
. (Summer 2003). Overcoming interpersonal offenses: Is forgiveness the only way to deal with unforgiveness
?
Journal of Counseling and Development
, 81, 343-353.
West,W
. (2001).
Issues relating to the use of forgiveness in counseling and psychotherapy
.
British Journal of Guidance & Counselling
, 29(4), 415-423.
Williamson, I., & Gonzales, M. H. (2007).
The subjective experience of forgiveness: Positive
constrals
of
the forgiveness experience
.
Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, Vol. 26 (4),
407–446.Slide196
Bibliography
Worthington,E.L
. (1999).
Hope-focused marriage counseling: A guide to brief therapy
. Downer’s Grove, Illinois: Intervarsity Press.
Worthington,E.L.,Jr
. (1998a).
An empathy-humility-commitment model of forgiveness applied within family dyads
.
Journal of Family Therapy
, 20, 59-76.
Worthington,E.L.,Jr
. (1998b).
The pyramid model of forgiveness: Some interdisciplinary speculations about unforgiveness and the promotion of forgiveness. In E.L. Worthington, Jr.(Ed.) Dimensions of forgiveness: Psychological Research and Theological Perspectives.
(pp.107-137). Philadelphia: The Templeton Foundation Press.