“Breaking up is hard to do” - PowerPoint Presentation

Slide1

“Breaking up is hard to do”~Neil sedaka

understanding and supporting job corps students through relationship breakupsSlide2

Presenter information:

Helena Mackenzie, PhD, LP

Region 5 Mental Health SpecialistSlide3

Objectives:

Describe how attachment theory helps explain the intense pain of breakups

Identify 2 mental health risks following a relationship breakup

List 3 natural grief responses following relationship loss

Identify 2 ways to best support students post breakup

List 3 reasons relationships may fail

List 2 signs of healthy and unhealthy relationships

Identify 2 suicide warning signsSlide4

Breakup songs

“

When you're gone, the pieces of my heart are

missin

'

you” (Avril

Lavigne

)

“I

hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited, but I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight

it. I

had hoped you'd see my face, and that you be reminded that for me it isn't

over” (Adele)

“Thought

I couldn't breathe without you, I'm

inhaling” (Destiny’s Child)

"It's been so lonely without you here / I'm like a bird without a song / Nothing can stop this lonely rain from falling / Tell me, baby, where did I go

wrong” (Prince)

"I wanted you to know / That I am ready to go,

heartbeat” (Childish Gambino)

"I'll have another you by tomorrow / So don't you ever for a second / Get to thinking you're

irreplaceable” (

Beyonce

)

 "I should live in salt for leaving you behind,

behind” (The National)

"I know a man

ain't

supposed to cry / But these tears I can't hold inside /

Losin

' you would end my life you see /

'Cause

you mean that much to

me” (Marvin Gaye)Slide5

remember when…Recall one of your earliest relationship breakupsSlide6

Why is breaking up so painful?

Bowlby’s Attachment Theory

Attachment

 is a

deep

and enduring emotional bond that connects one person to another across time and

space

…”

(

Bowlby

, 1969

)

Biological instinct for survival—seek closeness during times of discomfort or perceived threat. Slide7

Attachment styles:Mary Ainsworth’s Strange situation

Mary Ainsworth (1970s): Strange Situation

Secure attachment

(~55-60%): caregivers consistently available and responsive,

child feels

worthy of love, can rely on others, manage emotions, able to be soothed

Anxious-ambivalent attachment

(~20%): inconsistently available caretakers,

child fears

rejection,

seeks

reassurance, afraid to be apart, clinging behavior, difficulty being soothed

Anxious-avoidant(~20%): caregivers not available and responsive. Child has learned not to seek caregiver for soothing, doesn’t

show

distress, but feels it.

Disorganized (<5%): chaotic, abusive caregiver behaviors lead to child to feel confused and exhibit freezing, odd behaviors, need caregiver for protection but also afraid of them.

Attachment system triggered by perceived threat or distress…SeparationRejectionEmotional unavailabiliityAttachment style is based on relationship with caregiver and how child has learned to get attachment needs metSlide8

Attachment styles in adulthood Impact on romantic relationships

For older adolescents/young adults, an intimate partner often becomes a primary attachment figure

Early attachment style shapes later intimate relationship

style But, later relationships can alter the internal working model--not set in stone

Adults can hold different working models/attachment styles for different types of relationships (friend versus romantic partner)

Adult Attachment Styles

—Hazen and Shaver (1987) expanded Bowlby’s theory to adult romantic partners. Adult Attachment Interview by Mary Main and colleagues (1984)--

Secure:

(~55%) comfortable with self and partner, can balance intimacy and independence. Seek partner support when distressed and provide support when partner distressed

Anxious/preoccupied

(~20%): tend to be dependent, seek high levels of intimacy, approval, responsiveness, high level of emotional expressiveness, worries about relationship

Dismissive/avoidant:

(~23%) want independence, self-sufficient, suppress feelings, deal with conflict by withdrawing, distancing, view as not needing close relationships (but internal distress)

Fearful/avoidant

(~1-2%): mixed feelings, desire closeness but uncomfortable with emotional closeness, mistrust partner, low self-worth, suppress feelings

ADD PICTURESlide9

Breakup triggers attachment system: high alert

Adolescent/young adult breakups correlated with:

First episode of Major Depressive Disorder

Increased rate of suicide attempts

Self Injurious Behavior (SIB)

Increased rate of substance abuse

Increased anxiety

Insomnia

Anger/behavioral problemsSlide10

Grief: a normal emotional response to loss

Shock & Disbelief:

numbness, nauseous, out of body experience, may not “believe” loss to avoid pain

Denial:

refuse to accept relationship is over or can’t be fixed

Anger:

towards ex, the world, close friends and “supports.” May be expressed verbally, physical aggression, bullying, destroying things, dramatic behaviors, or passively through self-sacrificing acts, taking on martyr role. Slide11

Grief: a normal emotional response to loss

Bargaining:

Trying to win ex back—begging, promising to change, “if only I can figure out what went wrong and fix it, I’ll get them back!”

Depression, anxiety, guilt:

realize relationship is truly over despite efforts and feel sad, hopeless, helpless. Withdrawal, nothing feels fun. Anxious, poor sleep, afraid of future, restless.

Guilty that didn’t do more in relationship (back to bargaining

).Slide12

Grief: a normal emotional response to loss

Testing/Working Through

: Still feel sad, angry, but see more clearly again—begin to think about how to have normal life, look forward

Acceptance:

Find a way to let go and move on, accept and cope with relationship truly being over. Feel hope about future, can find happiness and peace. Can think/talk about person without incredible pain, angerSlide13

Physical impacts of ”heartbreak”

Psychological pain of breakup feels physical

Same brain regions that process physical pain light up when connecting to the psychological pain of break up

fMRI studies show insula, anterior cingulate cortex light up to hot probe in arm and same areas light up when shown pictures of ex-partner and recall shared experiences and pain around breakup

Physiological basis to “cravings” for ex-partner

fMRI studies show areas of brain associated with drug craving, areas associated with reward and motivation (specifically release of dopamine) light up when thinking of recent unwanted break up and love still feel for ex-partner

Metaphor of love as “addictive” and breaking up can feel like “drug withdrawal”

Difficulty thinking, focusing, cravings for contact, ruminationSlide14

Cognitive and social impacts of relationship loss

Rumination, obsessive thinking

Constant ”triggers”

Places went together

Activities shared (dining hall, class, gym)

Shared rituals

Shared friends

Social Impacts

Sense of social exclusion/loss of friends

Healthy choice to separate from shared friends may lead to less social supportSlide15

Positive impacts of breakups“Post traumatic growth”

Growth that occurs from “bouncing back” from traumatic experiences

Helping

adolescents/young adults understand breakups and breakup better leads to

…

Better ability to process grief

B

etter self-understanding

Healthier future relationshipsSlide16

IMMEDIATE post break up SUPPORT: what’s helpful/what’s not…

Validate Emotions:

“I know this is hard” or “I know it’s painful to lose someone you care about.”

DON’T

minimize feelings, even if it was brief relationship.

DON’T

say, “you’ll find someone better” or “you’re young, you’ll date so many more people.”

DON’T immediately judge the relationship (e.g. “it wasn’t a healthy relationship

…” “he was a jerk to you...”)

Be a Good Listener:

Allow student to express feelings, thoughts, confusion without interjecting your own opinions. Empathize with pain. Can share story of own heartache/healing to normalize (not minimize) pain.

Slide17

IMMEDIATE post break up SUPPORT: what’s helpful/what’s not…

Encourage no contact (or limited)

Don’t text, call, IM, make impulsive posts

Take social media break (FB, Instagram

…)

Ask friends NOT to update you on ex even though you want to know...

Ask friends for support in doing new things/away from ex

Treat desire to know as compulsion (think psychological addiction to your ex)

—

need ”withdrawal”

Encourage journaling/writing about feelings, thoughts, wants when urge arises to check on exSlide18

IMMEDIATE post break up SUPPORT: what’s helpful/what’s not…

Help Student Set Boundaries

Identify/role play concrete plan of what to do when see ex

Aim for

m

inimal interaction

Spend time with non-overlapping friends

Don’t bring up relationship issues

Don’t take bait if ex insults, belittles, tries to engage—role play assertive response

Ask friends for support—request friends DON’T add to dramaSlide19

IMMEDIATE post break up SUPPORT: what’s helpful/what’s not…

Help Student Build Support System

I

dentify supportive friends and spend time with them

Identify trusted staff support (RA, counselor, instructor, CMHC

…

)

Identify key staff members who can keep eye on student in case isolating

Encourage student NOT to jump into new romantic relationship

Encourage student to balance pain of talking about relationship with talking about other topics, supporting their friends, and doing fun thingsSlide20

IMMEDIATE post break up SUPPORT: develop heartache coping plan…

Establish routine/structure for downtime

Make list self-soothing activities (5 senses)

Vision

: Look at picture, look at nature, watch other students (not ex), watch

video/movie, study, read, do puzzle

Hearing:

listen to music, sing/hum song,

listen

meditation

Smell:

put on

lotion, smell soap/shampoo, coffee, tea

Taste:

drink s/t

you like, suck candy, chew gum

Touch: hug self/friend, stroke hand/arm, massage feet/neck, cuddle in chair, take showerPositive Activity List

Go for walk, jog

Watch movie

Listen to music

Relax in the sun

Talk with people you like (not about ex)

Read book, cartoons

Draw/doodle

Play sport, weightlift

S

ing

Do craft

Join club/team

Play cards, game, instrument

Dance, do yoga, move body

Look at happy photos

Do something new

Send card to someone love (not ex)

Surprise s/o with favor

Play videogame

Volunteer

Go on field trip/outing

Do puzzle, crossword

Play game on phone

And on and on and on

…Slide21

IMMEDIATE post break up SUPPORT: develop heartache coping plan…

Care for Physical Health:

Be aware of heartaches pull to escape into unhealthy behaviors (overeating, alcohol, drugs, “hook ups”)

Care for body

: eat well, exercise (join HEALs or physically active group)

Sleep:

sleep routine, refer CMHC for sleep hygiene tips if needed (see JC sleep hygiene presentation on HW website)Slide22

IMMEDIATE post break up SUPPORT: develop heartache coping plan…

Care for Mental State:

breaking up can impact self-esteem, create self-doubt and insecurity

Help student identify and celebrate their strengths: make list of strengths

Help student know NO ONE is perfect and how to honestly assess weaknesses and work on them

Daily gratitude:

every day write one thing that you’re thankful, grateful for

Expressive writing/journaling:

especially helpful to write about positive aspects of breakup

Help student understand breakups aren’t about something being WRONG with a person, they’re about a relationship not workingSlide23

Top reasons relationships fail among young adults

True or False

Different priorities:

Young people often have different priorities, expectations and goals and, over time, grow apart.

True or False

Commitment:

Young people who have had many different dating relationships as teens tend to be more ready for commitment. Slide24

Top reasons relationships fail among young adults

True or False

Communication:

teens/young adults who don’t

share what they want, or when they’re unhappy, tend to form stronger relationships that last longer.

True or False

Possessiveness

is a sign of love and a predictor of a strong, lasting relationship.Slide25

Top reasons relationships fail among young adults

True or False

Physical aggression

is rare in adolescent/young adult relationships

True or False

Incompatibility:

teen/young adult relationships often end because young people enter into relationships more quickly and may not realize the level of incompatibility in values, beliefs, styles until they’re already emotionally connected to someoneSlide26

In a nut shell: common reasons relationships fail among young adults

Different Priorities and Expectations/Goals/Wants

Lack of maturity (limited impulse control, limited experience with how to treat partner, limited emotional maturity, difficulty compromising, need to experience different relationships to mature, so forth)

Poor Communication

Difficulty with Trust

Incompatibility

Abuse—emotional, verbal, physical, sexual, bullyingSlide27

When to refer to Wellness/ cmhc…

Emotional Ups/Downs are NORMAL after a breakup

…

Support offered by counseling, residential, other staff doesn’t appear to be helping—student seems “stuck”

Student continues to withdraw from social network and staff

Student shows extreme mood swings/rage and isn’t responsive to support provided

Peers express concern to staff

Student shows SUICIDE WARNING SIGNS (see next slide)Slide28

Suicide warning signs:

Talking about wanting to die or to kill themselves

Looking for a way to kill themselves, like searching

online, hoarding medication, buying rope

Talking about feeling hopeless or having no reason to live

Talking about feeling trapped or in unbearable pain

Talking about being a burden to others

Increasing the use of alcohol or drugs

Acting anxious or agitated; behaving recklessly

Sleeping too little or too much

Withdrawing or isolating themselves

Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge

Extreme mood swingsIf worried about suicide, follow your center’s Symptomatic Management Guideline for Suicidal Behavior or Threats.

Don’t leave student alone!

If worried about student’s adjustment to relationship breakup, consult with the student’s counselor who can help make referral to CMHC.Slide29

Impact of attachment history on post break-up adjustment…

All of us struggle after important relationship ends. However, students with history of relationship loss (e.g. death of parent, neglect, history of abuse, foster home place, so forth) are at higher risk of having insecure attachment style and more distress/difficulty adjusting after loss

Students with items on SIF or health forms indicating early adverse life experiences may need more support/guidance post breakupSlide30

Prevention is key: teach about healthy relationships

ePRH

Chapter 3; 3.17 requires

students

receive education in health

education, which includes emotional and social wellbeing, relationships and much more.

Healthy

Relationship Education/Games:

H

ealthy

versus unhealthy relationship game (break into groups and identify)

Advertisement for friend, partner—identify qualities and write advertisementSlide31

Healthy relationship game:Healthy or unhealthy?Slide32

Healthy relationship game:Healthy or unhealthy?

Loves partner so much that wants to be with him/her at all times and doesn’t like doing things separately

Enjoys spending time apart with own friends or getting together with group of friendsSlide33

Healthy relationship game:Healthy or unhealthy?

Accepts responsibility for actions and apologizes when wrong and works at changing behavior

Uses alcohol and drugs as an excuse for behavior (“I didn’t mean to say that, I was drinking”)Slide34

Healthy relationship game:Healthy or unhealthy?

Gets jealous a lot and accuses partner of cheating (“it’s because I love you so much”)

Respects privacy—doesn’t look at your phone, emails, or journalSlide35

Healthy relationship game:Healthy or unhealthy?

Solves conflicts by talking things through in respectful manner—wants to hear your opinion/perspective even if disagrees

Solves conflicts by yelling, cursing, getting angry or threateningSlide36

Healthy relationship game:Healthy or unhealthy?

Feel guilty if you don’t have sex because you know your partner wants it and is upset

Talk openly about sex and don’t feel pressured to have itSlide37

Healthy relationship game:Write your own advertisementSlide38

Develop an advertisement for a friend or partner…

Break into small groups and identify list of qualities that would lead to a healthy friendship/intimate relationship

Normal that not all will agree on the same qualities—keep list of ones disagree on.

Write creative advertisement based on at least five agreed on qualities

Share advertisements and discuss why those qualities are important for healthy relationship and why it’s normal for people to also value different qualitiesSlide39

Thank you for participating!Questions? Comments? Follow up?Slide40

Resources

Brown, D., & Brown, S. (2016). 

Every young adults breakup survival guide: Tips, tricks & expert advice

for

recovering

. Ocala, FL: Atlantic Publishing Group

.

Fisher, H. E., Brown, L. L., Aron, A., Strong, G., &

Mashek

, D. (2010). Reward, Addiction, and Emotion Regulation Systems Associated With Rejection in Love. 

Journal of Neurophysiology,104

(1), 51-60. doi:10.1152/jn.00784.2009

Gordon, S. M. (2018). Surviving a First Breakup. New York, NY: Enslow Publishing Group.Healthy Relationships Resource Kit - Western Health. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://

westernhealth.nl.ca

/uploads/Addictions Prevention and Mental Health Promotion/Healthy Relationships Resource Kit -

Western.pdfKansky, J., & Allen, J. P. (2017). Making Sense and Moving On. Emerging Adulthood,6(3), 172-190. doi:10.1177/2167696817711766Kross, E., & Berman, M. (2011). Social rejection shares somatosensory representations with physical pain. Proc Natl'

Acad Sci USA,108(15), 6270-6275.Kübler-Ross, E., & Kessler, D. (2014). On grief & grieving: Finding the meaning of grief through the five stages of loss. New York: Scribner.Slide41

Resources

Lewandowski, G. (2009). Promoting positive emotions following relationship dissolution through writing. 

The Journal of Positive Psychology,4

(1), 21-31.

Lynsen

. Ann. (2014, June 18). Suicide Prevention. Retrieved from https://

www.samhsa.gov

/suicide-prevention

Muise, A.,

Christofides

, E., &

Desmarais

, S. (2009). More Information than You Ever Wanted: Does Facebook Bring Out the Green-Eyed Monster of Jealousy? CyberPsychology & Behavior,12(4), 441-444. doi:10.1089/cpb.2008.0263Olson, J. S., & Crosnoe, R. (2017). Are You Still Bringing Me Down? Journal of Health and Social Behavior,58(1), 102-115. doi:10.1177/0022146516684536Price, M., Hides, L.,

Cockshaw

, W.,

Staneva, A., & Stoyanov, S. (2016). Young Love: Romantic Concerns and Associated Mental Health Issues among Adolescent Help-Seekers. Behavioral Sciences,6(2), 9. doi:10.3390/bs6020009Rhoades, G. K., Dush, C. M., Atkins, D. C., Stanley, S. M., & Markman

, H. J. (2011). Breaking up is hard to do: The impact of unmarried relationship dissolution on mental health and life satisfaction. Journal of Family Psychology,25(3), 366-374. doi:10.1037/a0023627