Student Legal amp Mediation Services Sam Houston State University Safe Space Supportive environment When I say conflict what words to you think of What emotions do you think of Conflict ID: 1034904
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1. Conflict managementGene Roberts, JDStudent Legal & Mediation ServicesSam Houston State University
2. Safe SpaceSupportive environment
3. When I say “conflict”what words to you think of?What emotions do you think of?
4. Conflict: two or more peopleperceived to have incompatible goalsand the other is a source of interference for the goal
5. http://img.en25.com/Web/CPP/Conflict_report.pdf
6. The need:47% of employees decreased their time at work38% of employees decreased their work quality78% said commitment to organization declinedHarvard Business Review
7. Let’s talk about an orange
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9. Let’s talk about Brains
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12. AmygdalaeFightFlightFreezePrefrontal Cortex
13. https://uxdesign.cc/better-decisions-72e955c70a5c
14. A bat and a ball costs $1.10 in total. The bat costs $1.00 more than the ball. How much does the ball cost?10 cents!Ball = .10 + Bat = 1.10 (the bat is $1.00 more than the ball) = $1.20Ball = .05 + Bat = 1.05 (the bat is $1.00 more than the ball) = $1.10
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16. Hijack the amygdala
17. Slow things downCount to 5, backwardsTake a deep breathGet a drink of waterAsk yourself questions:What am I thinking?What am I feeling?What do I know what I know?
18. Focus on interests
19. Position(What)Interests(Why)
20. Types of interests:AutonomyReligious beliefsSafetyReputationRespectIdentityDiversityInclusionHealthLong life
21. To discover interests:Ask: “Why”? Why do you want X? Help me understand how this is important to you…
22. On your own:What are some positions that you’ve heard about that caused a dispute.What were some possible interests that drove the positions?How could we help the parties resolve conflict using interest-based negotiations?
23. Name it
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25. “Simply recognizing and naming an emotion quells its effect, making thoughtful management of subsequent behavior more likely.”—Tom Valeo (medical author)http://www.dana.org/BrainWork/2013/When_Labeling_an_Emotion_Quiets_It/http://newsroom.ucla.edu/stories/putting-feelings-into-words-155536
26. http://www.dana.org/BrainWork/2013/When_Labeling_an_Emotion_Quiets_It/http://newsroom.ucla.edu/stories/putting-feelings-into-words-155536
27. Tactical EmpathyChris Voss, Never Split the Difference“It looks like you are frustrated with this process.”“It seems like you worry that if the job isn’t completed, you’ll be written up.”“It seems like you are afraid of being removed from the program.”
28. Ask questions
29. In a conflict situation, get to know the person:What influences them?What’s their worldview?What are their hopes?What are their dreams?What are their fears?
30. Active listening is more than just…Being quiet when someone else is talkingProviding appropriate facial expressions and verbal soundsRepeating what was said (“Let me make sure I understand. What you are saying is…”)https://hbr.org/2016/07/what-great-listeners-actually-do
31. Great listenersPeriodically ask questions that promote discovery and insight.Make the other person feel supportive, making the experience positive.Make suggestionshttps://hbr.org/2016/07/what-great-listeners-actually-do
32. Great listenersPeriodically ask questions that promote discovery and insight. When you say “X”, what does that mean? Describe that for me?https://hbr.org/2016/07/what-great-listeners-actually-do
33. Great listenersMake the other person feel supportive, making the experience positive. “I know that you are a good faculty member because you are taking the time to share your thoughts with me today.”https://hbr.org/2016/07/what-great-listeners-actually-do
34. Great listenersMake suggestionsPeople will accept suggestions once they’ve been heardLimit combat: who wants to listen to an enemy?“What are your thoughts if we do X? Would that work?”https://hbr.org/2016/07/what-great-listeners-actually-do
35. Concrete Steps for Great ListenersCreate an environment where difficult issues can be discussed.Clear distractions—no phones or laptops; eye contact.Capture ideas, ask questions, reframe issuesObserve nonverbal cues. Listen with your eyes.https://hbr.org/2016/07/what-great-listeners-actually-do
36. Concrete Steps for Great ListenersUnderstand the other’s emotions/feelings. Identify them and acknowledge them.Ask questions that clarify assumptions that the other may hold. Reframe to help the other see thoughts in a new light.Listen more than you talk.https://hbr.org/2016/07/what-great-listeners-actually-do
37. Perceptions
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42. The Point: We see the same thing, but differentlyWhat we see may not be what we need to seeOur brain makes decisions for usHow do I know what I think I know
43. High conflict personalities
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45. High Conflict PersonalitiesAll or nothing thinking (I’m good, you are bad)Unmanaged emotions (exaggerated anger, fear, sadness)Extreme behavior (lying, rumors, reactions)Blame others (close to them or authority figures)
46. High Conflict PersonalitiesLook to blame, instead of for solutionsIf you point out their contributions, they get MORE angry“She made me do it!”
47. BIFFBriefInformativeFriendlyFirm
48. BBrief2-3 sentence responseAvoid triggering defensivenessThe more you say = more likely to set off
49. IInformativeStraight, useful informationShift from person to objective subjectNone of your opinions
50. FFriendlyMost difficult part of BIFF“Thank you for letting me know”“I appreciate your concerns”
51. FGoal=end the conversationGive deadline for actionOutline paths you will take (no more than two)Firm
52. Your presentationGene,You are an idiot. I told you to send the PPT to me by Thursday. Guess what day it is, GENIUS? And here I am, with no PPT. Thanks for nothing. HELLO???
53. BIFFBriefInformativeFriendlyFirm
54. Re: Your presentationDear TJ,Thank you for your email.The PPT is attached.gr
55. Recommendation letter???Dear Gene,As you know, the U wrongfully terminated me recently. How dare it terminate me! I only received 82 Performance Improvement Plans, 18 oral warnings, and I had to take 37 hours of Talent Management-related videos! And they still let me go! AAARRRGGH!The U had no right to ruin my career and they made it impossible to get a letter of recommendation from anyone except you, and why should anyone listen to you? In five years you never completed one EPAF correctly!! Eventually, the U’s corruptness will be exposed. I’m sending a lot of public information requests to the general counsel’s office. That will show them!If you don’t mind, please send me that recommendation letter that you promised me as soon as you can. I have an interview next week with Oxford. I don’t want to work at that university, but it can be my “safe” choice if no one else hires me. PLEASE RESPOND!Your friend, Cindy
56. BIFFBriefInformativeFriendlyFirm
57. Re: Recommendation letter???Dear Cindy,Making threats against the U will not benefit you. The university has done you no wrong.I was not aware that you wanted a letter of recommendation from me. It is attached.Sincerely,gr
58. Re: Recommendation letter???Dear Cindy,I am glad you are making progress toward interviews. I hope you will find a university that is a good fit for you.I was not aware that you wanted a letter of recommendation from me. It is attached.Best wishes!gr
59. Communication from a ParentDear So-Called “Higher Ed Leader”: YOUR employee met with MY daughter on September 10 to provide course advising. My PBJ was unable to register for the class and will have to spend ANOTHER year at your so-called “university!!!” We pay your salary and you treated my PBJ so badly and now we have to pay MORE tuition!! Where did you go to school, Bubba’s School of Department Chairs? You’d treat her better if you went to TALA!!! You’ll hear from our attorney!!!Sincerely,I. M. Mean
60. BIFFBriefInformativeFriendlyFirm
61. Communication to a ParentDear Ms. Mean:Thank you for your email expressing your concerns and thank you, also, for letting me know what happened. I would like to speak with you, but unfortunately, federal law does not allow that. Please have your PBJ reach out to my office at 936.555.1234 and she can schedule an appointment to meet with me. Best wishes for you.Sincerely,Joe Cool
62. In your time:Think about a situation where you have encountered—or might encounter—a high-conflict personality.What happened? What could happen?How can you implement BIFF to help defuse the situation?
63. Other things to think about:Your role (colleague or leader).Policies and procedures.University ombuds/HR/mediation.Where are you meeting?Preparation/BATNA.Avoiding conflict = long term costs.
64. 1. Hijack the amygdala2. Go below the line3. Label it4. Ask questions5. Model good behavior
65. Gene Robertslinkedin.com/in/robertsgene@GeneRobertsPlease be nice. You may be the only kind act that happened to that person today.