Paul H Van Valin PhD Eden Leaders Institute wwwedenleaderscom RECORD wwwedenleaderscom download BCApdf August 17 2017 Paul VanValin Preachers Kid Married 40 years 3 sons ID: 635566
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Breaking the Chains of Anger
Paul H Van Valin, PhDEden Leaders Institutewww.edenleaders.comRECORDwww.edenleaders.com/download/BCA.pdf
August 17, 2017Slide2
Paul VanValin
Preacher’s KidMarried 40 years – 3 sonsClinical Psychologist/ConsultantEden Leaders Institute 1994Eden Counseling and ConsultingPRO-D™ Comprehensive Assessments DistributorSlide3
Win Every Argument, Win Every Heart
Conference Specials Amazon.com - $5.98 Paperback and Kindlecreatespace.com/7474368HFUVNKUB - discount code for 50% OFF Slide4
Questions?Big groupText to 757-581-1393Questions answered periodicallySlide5
Goals of Training
Increase or validate skills (Personality Dis.)Practice principals of effective interventionsStrategically Lead, and Teach others to have, Safe ConversationsLead distressed couples and families authentically with confidence and compassionCreate Effective Emotional Connection to increase Intimacy
and dismantle LandminesSlide6
Personality DisorderA personality disorder is an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectations of the individual’s culture, is pervasive and inflexible, has an onset in adolescence or early adulthood, is stable over time, and leads to distress or impairment.Slide7
Galatians 5:19-23
The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; Slide8
Galatians 5
drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.Slide9
Galatians 5
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Slide10
Case Study 1- Marital
34 year old professional and wifeMarried 10 yearsRecent extramarital “emotional” affairDaily aggression with violence for 6 monthsSlide11
Safe ConversationsCLAPSConfidentialityListen
AcceptancePraise SandwichSkill SelectionSlide12
First Session
DirectiveCreate and Model Safe CommunicationControl CommunicationAssessment via scalingLimit anger expressionPromote RomanceSlide13
Marriage Assessment
1st Interview Five point rating scaleFive is very good, positive–
enhances
our
marriage
One is weak/harmful –
damaging or destroying our
marriageSlide14
Marriage AssessmentRole Play
FaithLeisure TimeFinancesParentingFriends and Family Slide15
Marriage Assessment
CommunicationConflict Management Sexual RelationshipPerceptions of Each Other’s Personalities
Marriage Expectations Slide16
Case 1 - Growth Areas
1’s and 2’sConflict ManagementCommunicationPerceptions of Each Other’s PersonalitiesSexual RelationshipSlide17
Assess Conflict and Aggression
We improve what we measureFrequencyDurationIntensity Anger Expression Scale with interview measures all 3Slide18
ANGER EXPRESSION SCALE
10 = murder9= physical wounding8 = physical contact7= shrieking, cursing, name calling, expressions of contempt6 = yelling 5 = loud voice with a risk of moving to 6Slide19
ANGER EXPRESSION SCALE
4 = controlled intensity with a sense of self control internally3 = true assertion, calm delivery, use of “I” messages2 = internal need to control expression but it’s very easy 1 = mild irritation or frustration Slide20
Assess Anger
How intense has it ever been?How often? How long does it last?Proceed down the scale to determine how often each level occurs.Goal: Nothing above 5Timeout for 6 or aboveSlide21
Anger Scale ApplicationCouple/family agrees to limit expression
Use numbers to communicate intensity to break old patternsAgree that the family member with the highest perceived rating will be accepted“Landmines” are best avoidedSlide22
Case Study 1
Intensity 8 to 9Frequency: 8 daily, 9 three times in 6 monthsDuration: up to several hours per occurrenceNot “Abuse” – FIGHTINGMarriage needs protection –
not individualsSlide23
Brain Function
Pre-frontal is “on” for:Self-controlProblem solvingCreative thinkingStrong emotions turn it “off” and limbic system takes over. “Emotional Mind”Slide24
Land Mines
They blow up when you approach themFlag them and stay awayGet explosives experts to helpDismantle very carefullySlide25
March of Death
Rapid escalation of angerContinue intense conflict until one party breaks contactContinue to “stew” No bonding ritualSlide26Slide27
Everybody’
s DreamGentle Start-upLimit to 4Work to resolve or reach the limits of constructive interactionRitual of Bonding (Kiss and Make-up)Slide28Slide29
Constructive Conflict
Gentle Start-upOne or both exceed 4Agree to time outReturn at 4 or belowWork to resolve or reach the limits of constructive interactionRitual of Bonding (Kiss and Make-up)Slide30Slide31
Insanity
Doing the same thing over and over expecting different resultsEngaging people who are over 4Choosing to engage others when we are over 4Slide32
Increase Positive Interaction
20 times more positive than negativeLimit negativity with Anger Expression ScaleRomance Builders to increase positive interactionSlide33
Romance Builders
Assess willingness for positive changeAccentuate the positive“I feel loved and cared about when you…”List at least twelve items that are positive and observableSlide34
Homework Session 1
Limit anger expression (scale and Time Out)Agree to avoid land minesCreate Romance Builder listShare it as long as it does not create conflictTake personal responsibility to
speak truth (declaring time out) and increase
positive
expression with respectSlide35
Session 2
Returned with cessation of violence reportedAlso reported very little interaction that weekCongratulated by therapist – celebrate any improvementNo more violence - everSlide36
Matthew 5:9
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called Children of God.Slide37
Questions?757-581-1393Slide38
5 Principles
Lisa Benson et al. 2012Change the conceptualization of the relationshipModify Dysfunctional BehaviorDecrease Emotional AvoidanceImprove CommunicationPromote StrengthsSlide39
4 (90 minute) Session
Marriage CounselingFirst session, or pre-interview: Assess Individual and Marital Strengths and Weaknesses (M,C,T), Stress ToleranceAssign necessary interventionsMedicalOther Therapies
Other Supports (Avoid Breakage)Slide40
4 Sessions
Limit Destructive ConflictIncrease Positive ExperiencesSecond Session: Effective Problem SolvingThird Session: Effective Communication
Fourth Session
: Effective
Emotional Exchange
–
Dismantle LandminesSlide41
Motivation, Capacity, Training
Want to change SELFAble to change SELFHas training/life experience/understanding to know how to change SELFPRO-D™ to measure and predict Booth 119Free assessment for active coaches and university staffSlide42
Problem Solving – Brain Storming – Session 2
Define problemBrainstorm – no discussionPick easiest one to start with – no discussionDiscuss implementationTry it and discuss in a week to assess effectiveness Slide43
Role Play
– If TimeDefine problemBrainstorm – no discussionPick easiest one to start with – no discussionDiscuss implementationTry it and discuss in a week to assess effectivenessSlide44
SEARCH
FOR SAFETYSession 4Two Players: The Listener and the Angry Person Usually 20 to 25 minutes required
May require coaching the first three
times
Dismantles Landmines, New Perspectives, Promotes Intimacy (physical & emotional closeness and openness)Slide45
SEARCH FOR SAFETY
S - Safe Place E - Emotions are Expressed A - Affect Change
R - Reframe
C - Comfort
H - Help Slide46
S - Safe Place
The Listener puts self in a safe placeRemain objective Listen when confrontedAvoid a defensive or counterattack response Slide47
E - Empathy
Angry Person expresses his/her feelings.Listener responds with Empathy only. Anger runs its course as the Angry Person perceives self as “heard”Usually under five minutesSlide48
A - Affect Change
Angry Person becomes calm or sad or hurtThe Listener responds with Empathy Slide49
R - Reframe
Emotion changes and what is said allows one or both parties to perceive things differentlyA contextual and cognitive reframe often occursSlide50
C - Comfort
HoldingReassuringListen with empathy Slide51
H - Help
Angry Person lists three options that would helpListener chooses one to give – I recommend to choose the easiest. These requests are often character developing requests that are good for both parties.Slide52
Case 2
57 year old retired Navy Captain - GS 16Angry with wife for procrastinating on minor medical assessmentSlide53
Safety DaysM-W-F Husband is listenerT-Th-S Wife is listenerListeners listen practicing appropriate skills
Listeners don’t complaint or criticizeSlide54
Fighting vs. Abuse
Trying to solve problems in an emotionally charged contextTrying to control through intimidationSlide55
Questions?757-581-1393Slide56
Eliminate Fighting
Protect the AbusedBrainstorm for problems solvingSEARCH for Safety for strong emotionTake turns expressing emotionIf abusive people are Motivated, they may learn other means of influence than intimidationSlide57
Questions?
757-581-1393Slide58
Resources –
Booth 119Online Training – YouTube Paul VanValin4 Session Marriage CounselingWin Every Argument, Win Every Heart (Amazon)Why Kids Cut – DVD $10
Training on 3
rd
Thursday -
12pm Eastern Time
Pro-D™
Certification
–
Free trial for coaches or university personnel
–
Faculty or AdministrationSlide59
Assessment Tools
APA.org free scalesPRO-D™ - Missions, Capacities, Styles, Convergence for Self and EnvironmentMMPI-2 TRF or MCMI-IVIQ, Learning CapacityAttention, Impulse Control