A Journey Home to the Self By Dr Shannon South What is Codependency Someone who cannot function from their innate self and whose thinking and behavior is organized around another person process or substance ID: 1046947
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1. Healing from CodependencyA Journey Home to the SelfBy Dr. Shannon South
2. What is Codependency?Someone who cannot function from their innate self and whose thinking and behavior is organized around another person, process or substance.An overresponsibility impulse gone awryThe disease of the “lost self”Low priority of own needs and excessively preoccupied with the needs of othersCan show up in certain areas and not in othershttp://www.drshannonsouth.com
3. http://www.drshannonsouth.comParticipants recounted what they perceived as an excessive tendency to go to extremes of engagement in activities. It appeared that, for some participants, this heightened activity was associated with a need to escape a sense of void or inner emptiness, described by Patricia as “… that feeling of a hole in the soul.”The Lived Experience of Codependency studyThe International Journal of Mental Health and Addiction (2018)
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5. History of CodependencyThe term was first coined out of the Alcoholics Anonymous movement as part of the realization that part of the problem was not solely on the addict but the ways the family and friends over helped and actually interfered with their recovery.In 1941, Karen Horney ( German psychoanalyst) proposed that some people adopt a “moving toward” personality style to overcome their basic anxiety. Essentially these people move toward others by gaining their approval and affection, and subconsciously control them through their dependent style. They are unselfish, martyr-like, faithful and turn the other cheek despite personal humiliation.http://www.drshannonsouth.com
6. History cont.This approval of others become more important than respecting themselves.Al-anon was formed in 1951.ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) book by Janet Woititz in 1983 sold 2 million copiesRobin Norwood’s Women Who Love Too Much in 1985, sold 2 ½ million copies and “spawned” 12 Step Groups all over the country.http://www.drshannonsouth.com
7. History cont. Melody Beattie’s Codependent No More sold 8 mil. copies in 1986.Timmen Cermak, M.D. wrote Diagnosing and Treating Co-Dependence: A Guide for Professionals in 1986 and tried to get the diagnosis of codependency into the DSM as a personality disorder.This paved the way for the 12 Step Group Codependents Anonymous starting in 1986. *Wikipediahttp://www.drshannonsouth.com
8. Why treat codependency?It has been referred to as the core addiction to all addictions.It can cause perfectionism, over-controlling, external locus of control, manipulation, low self-worth, unstable relationships, inability to be alone, overwhelming desire for affection and acceptance, denial of one’s own needs, emptiness and boredom, dishonesty, lack of trust…… bottom line… a chaotic life.http://www.drshannonsouth.com
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11. How to heal from codependency?Stepping out of the Drama TriangleAssertiveness training: What is no longer tolerable?Developing a stronger sense of self (see notes)Meditation, prayer, support groups, enjoyable hobbies, fun and freedomLearning to implement the 3 C’s of recovery:I didn’t CAUSE itI can’t CURE itI can’t CONTROL ithttp://www.drshannonsouth.com
12. More Self-love How many Soul’s have failed to soar because they were suffocated in a loved one’s worry? -Brendon Bruchardhttp://www.drshannonsouth.com
13. Ways to Heal cont.Deal with patterns underlying the compulsive behavior to do for others what they can do for themselvesAddress SHAME and FEAR spirals (contract to make another feel big, play small)Heal Past Trauma –Fight/flight and freeze- to bring back your whole self (Ex. a client who treats her son like her dad who killed himself, or a sister who gets in an abusive relationship like the one with her brother as a child)Find the REAL NEED of the person (not the compulsive or survival need/pattern)http://www.drshannonsouth.com
14. Ways to heal cont.Read and re-read The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie (teaches a new language)Adopt the Serenity Prayer every dayGet out of denial (admit where you are lost or are playing Superman/woman only to fly into a window like a bug over and over)Empower Yourself (see empowerment handouts)12 Step Programs (sponsor and steps)Realize Codependency is a Stage in a relationship not a destinationIdentify attachment styles (strengths and weaknesses)http://www.drshannonsouth.com
15. http://www.drshannonsouth.com Created by: Dr.’s Barry and Janae Weinhold
16. What is Shame?Shame is about who we are vs. guilt is about what we have done or not done.It involves a fear of punishment of who we are at a core level.Shame keeps us from exposing ourselves appropriately and keeps us from getting our basic needs met.How would this fuel codependency for clients?http://www.drshannonsouth.com
17. What about Fear?The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek. -Joseph CampbellAll healing is essentially a release from fear. -The Course of MiraclesForget Everything And Run or Face Everything And RiseThe Choice is Yours.How would this fuel codependency?http://www.drshannonsouth.com
18. Self-lovehttp://www.drshannonsouth.com
19. Self-love languageUntil you value yourself, you won’t value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it. -M. Scott PeckOur self-respect tracks our choices. Every time we act in harmony with our authentic self and our heart, we earn our respect. Its that simple. Every choice matters. -Dan Coppersmithhttp://www.drshannonsouth.com
20. Self-love language cont.You have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens. –Louise HayThe reward for conformity is that everyone likes you but yourself. –Rita Mae BrownPeople are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within. -Elizabeth Kubler-Rosshttp://www.drshannonsouth.com
21. Self-love language cont.When I loved myself enough, I began leaving whatever wasn’t healthy. This meant people, jobs, my own beliefs and habits-anything that kept me small. My judgment called it disloyal. Now I see it as self-loving. -Kim McMillenTo love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance. -Oscar Wildehttp://www.drshannonsouth.com
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24. What is Healthy Power Vs. Compulsive Behavior?Power: My actual ability to accomplish, to produce results. My ability to satisfy my wants and needs with a level of success. My ability to exert some level of “control” over myself, others and my environment.Dressed up trash can vs. the Power of Love/Self-love (what are the results?) Positive Control vs. Negative Control (serenity prayer)Empowerment as a Recovery ProcessBelief in too much powerlessness creates Anxietyhttp://www.drshannonsouth.com
25. If we weren’t trying to control whether a person liked us or his or her reaction to us, what would we do differently? If we weren’t trying to control the course of a relationship, what would we do differently? If we weren’t trying to control another person’s behavior, how would we think, feel, speak, and behave differently than we do now? What haven’t we been letting ourselves do while hoping that self-denial would influence a particular situation or person? Are there some things we’ve been doing that we’d stop? How would we treat ourselves differently? Would we let ourselves enjoy life more and feel better right now? Would we stop feeling so bad? Would we treat ourselves better? If we weren’t trying to control, what would we do differently? Make a list, then do it.― Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go: Hazelden Meditation Serieshttp://www.drshannonsouth.com
26. Compulsive BehaviorWe cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used to create them. -Einsteinhttp://www.drshannonsouth.com
27. Self-DiscoveryQuestion is NotDo others love me? How can I avoid failing?Do I have enough information that I am certain about this decision?How have others failed me?Can I trust another person?Why has this person failed me?Question Is:Do I love myself?How do I deal with failure?Have I sought enough info so I can act responsibly?Am I failing myself and therefore failing my loved ones?Can I trust myself?How have I failed myself?http://www.drshannonsouth.com
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30. Letting Go and Empowermenthttp://www.drshannonsouth.com
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32. What’s Your Joy IQ?http://www.drshannonsouth.com
33. Letting go and FaithYou’ve got to say YES to this miracle of life as it is, not on condition that it follows your rules. -Joseph CampbellG.O.D. Good Orderly Direction- Ask client what would be the direction they would take if they had more faith?Let Go and Let G.O.D. I Can’t but Love Can.http://www.drshannonsouth.com
34. Just Let Gohttp://www.drshannonsouth.com
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36. Clean Your Own Side of the Streethttp://www.drshannonsouth.com
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38. Sleeping Beauty Complexhttp://www.drshannonsouth.com
39. Empowerment as a Process Towards Self-loveFrom:I cannot have what I want or need. There is an external cause and/or internal cause (flaw or defect) that I cannot overcome.When I feel vulnerable, I cannot tolerate the uncertainty or physical discomfort. My energy is spent on worry, depression, anxiety and hyper-vigilance.I am constantly running from anything that is not in my “comfort zone”. I do not feel safe.http://www.drshannonsouth.com
40. Empowerment as a Process Towards Self-loveFrom:I feel like I am a weak person; I feel different from other people and try to hide my differences, my weaknesses.I let my feelings make my decisions. I don’t make plans because I don’t know how I will feel and I must often break my word because I don’t feel like I can follow through.I feel trapped and hopeless.http://www.drshannonsouth.com
41. Empowerment as a Process Towards Self-loveTo: I have a sense of empowerment; I am learning I can trust myself. My prediction has become “ I can handle it”.I have a sense of healthy connection to myself and others. I am willing to be present. I don’t need to run from my thoughts, emotions, physical sensations or from situations that may feel uncomfortable to me. I know how to open up to support. I do not experience myself as trapped.http://www.drshannonsouth.com
42. Questions for Reflection: Did that (behavior, thought, feeling) make me feel stronger or weaker? Did it give me energy or take energy? Did it empower me or disempower me? What could I (do, think, feel) that would empower me? Energize me? Questions for ReflectionDid that behavior/thought/feeling make me feel stronger or weaker?Did it give me energy or take energy?Did it empower or disempower me?http://www.drshannonsouth.com
43. Assertiveness Training 101What is the Intention of the Passive Person?What is the Intention of the Assertive Person?What is the Intention of the Aggressive Person?How would “clean assertiveness” (not control) help break the codependency spiral?http://www.drshannonsouth.com
44. I used to spend so much time reacting and responding to everyone else that my life had no direction. Other people's lives, problems, and wants set the course for my life. Once I realized it was okay for me to think about and identify what I wanted, remarkable things began to take place in my life.― Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go: Daily Meditations on Codependencyhttp://www.drshannonsouth.com
45. Boundaries emerge from deep within. They are connected to letting go of guilt and shame, and to changing our beliefs about what we deserve. As our thinking about this becomes clearer, so will our boundaries. Boundaries are also connected to a Higher Timing than our own. We’ll set a limit when we’re ready, and not a moment before. So will others. There’s something magical about reaching that point of becoming ready to set a limit. We know we mean what we say; others take us seriously too. Things change, not because we’re controlling others, but because we’ve changed. ― Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go: Hazelden Meditation Serieshttp://www.drshannonsouth.com
46. From Fear to Couragehttp://www.drshannonsouth.com
47. Recovery takes Supporthttp://www.drshannonsouth.com
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50. Love After LoveThe time will come when, with elation you will greet yourself arriving at your own door, in your own mirror and each will smile at the other's welcome, and say, sit here. Eat. You will love again the stranger who was your self.Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart to itself, to the stranger who has loved you all your life, whom you ignored for another, who knows you by heart. Take down the love letters from the bookshelf, the photographs, the desperate notes, peel your own image from the mirror. Sit. Feast on your life. -Derek Walcotthttp://www.drshannonsouth.com