BY EMMA RATHBONE APRIL 18 2016 A guide to interpreting email signoffs 147XOXO148 Contrary to popular belief this does not mean 147hugs and kisses148 If anything it146s intended ID: 855454
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1 What “XOXO” Really Means BY E
What “XOXO” Really Means BY EMMA RATHBONE APRIL 18, 2016 A guide to interpreting email signoffs: “XOXO”: Contrary to popular belief, this does not mean “hugs and kisses.” If anything, it’s intended to convey light affection, like a pat on the butt from a Texan aunt. You shouldn’t take it as anything more. “XOX”: This indicates full, throbbing, sexual desire. The person who signs off this way is hoping that you’ll picture her naked silhouette playing the saxophone in some mist. “XO”: This is like when you lean in to kiss your Texan aunt on the cheek but you both turn the wrong way and kiss on the mouth. “X”: This is a simple, respectful nod, indicating that everything is going absolutely fine. “XX”: This indicates strong professional hostility. People who sign off with “XX” wish you the worst, can’t stand the way you move through the world, and if they had their way they would give you a haunted music box at the office holidaygift exchange. “XXX”: This is more or less t
2 he same thing as “XX,” except
he same thing as “XX,” except a thousand times worse. If the person who signed off this way were playing a rousing game of Taboo with youand your friends, instead of playing the game she would punch you. “All the best”: When a person signs off this way, she truly wants the best for you. Not only that, but she is talented, graceful, and tolerant, and knows exactly how to do everything from parallel parking to “processing” a squash. “All best”: This person has gone completely off the rails. You should be very nice to her, because she is obviously having a personal problem. If you saw her at home, she would be grimly bouncing on an exercise ball, muttering, “All best, all best, all best, all best” and wondering whom to say it to next. “Best”: This indicates the highest level of effortless elegance and agility in business affairs. If you are signing off “Best,” you are clearly in the middle of an intensely legitimate correspondence. You and the recipient both have classy paperweights, substantial fountain pens, and
3 completely illegible yet very sophisti
completely illegible yet very sophisticated signatures; you’re probably both “scary good” at oral sex and are open to everything, but have also mastered the art of saying “no.” “Yours”: No one knows what the hell this means. A tremendous amount of research has been done, but it’s still not clear if the person who signs off with this really thinks, or wants to indicate, that she is “yours,” nor is it clear whether “Yours” is romantic or simply congenial. Tread lightly with this person. Anything could mean anything at this point. You’re basically in a virtualreality maze where question marks are bouncing through the air amid wacky fart sounds. “Thanks”: This is completely sarcasti “Sincerely”: This is the way Abraham Lincoln always signed off, so take that for what it’s worth. “Peace out!”: This person probably has an earring in the shape of a turtle, and tries to get everyone to notice it. “Kramer vs. Kramer”: This is selfexplanatory. “Love”: This person loves yo