ooh,” I cooed. “Leather pants. Le - PDF document

Chapter 29: “Oo - oo - ooh,” I cooed. “Leather pants. Le - eh - ther.” “See what I mean,” Mallory slugged Helen’s shoulder. “Just mentioning Blake’s wife elicits the same reaction from these idiots.” “Idiot?” Jake returned carrying a Bucket o’ Beer and a Shirley Temple . “What’d Sunny do now?” I so don’t want to talk about the Lacey situation, I thought, grabbing a beer. “ Ugh,” Mallory took the Shirley Temple. “ Hate to break this to you hon , but you’re one of the idiots .” “What’d I do?” Jake squee zed Mallory’s hand. “Let me demonstrate,” Mallory waved her hand like a magician. “Abracadabra, Blake’s wife.” “Oo - oo - ooh,” Jake purred. “Leather pants.” “And there you go,” Mallory winked at Helen. “That’s too weird,” Helen giggled. “How’d that happen ?” “Back when we were all young and single, there was a staff holiday party where we met Blake’s wife for the first time,” Mallory winked at us, “and she was rocking a pair of insanely tight black leather pants.” “Leather pants,” Jake and I replied, clin king bottles. “Really Sunny?” Helen shook her head. “What?” I grinned . “Leather pants? I thought you were a vegetarian?” “Sunny here,” Mallory answered for me, “has no moral objection to the killing of cows. . .” “He believes,” Jake continued, “that they’re fulfilling their destiny.” “And believe you me,” I smiled, “whatever cow died to make those fulfilled the hell out of that destiny.” Helen snorted. “Did you just snort?” Mallory asked as we all burst into laughter. “Whew,” Jake caught his breat h, “between Leather P ants and the birth Andropov - ing . T hat was one epic night.” “ Andropov - ing ?” Helen rolled her eyes . “Do I even want to know?” “That night was our first time meeting Violet’s husband, Mr. Andropov ,” Mallory explained, “and let’s just say he married out of his league.” “Wa - a - ay out of his league,” Jake added. “Now,” Mallory nudged Jake’s shoulder, “when som eone is dating up, we say they’r e . . .” “ Andropov - ing ,” Helen finished. “ Andropov - ing ?” an arriving Travis asked, giving Helen a quick peck on the cheek. “So we’re finally talking about how Sunny’s totally Andropov - ing Lacy.” Crap, I thought, trying to avoid Mallory’s glare. “Speaking of your way - out - of - your - league better half, where is she?” Mallory asked. “I really, really wanted to be fifth wheel,” I shrugged. “So I told her to make her own plans, I’m flying Han Solo tonight.” “What’s a Han Solo?” Helen asked. “Blasphemy!” Mallory and I gasped. “You two are such dorks,” Jake shook h is head. “I’m no whale penis,” Mallory huffed . “I’m a geek goddess.” “That’s an urban legend ,” I corrected. “ The whale penis thing, not your geed goddessness. There are no historical records showing that the definition of dork has ever been a whale’s penis .” “Okay, I’m totally lost,” Helen admitted. “ It’s okay babe,” Travis kissed Helen’s forehead. “That sometimes happens with these two .” “Yeah, best to ignore the insanity and move on,” Jake added. “Whatever,” Mallory nudged Jake’s shoulder. “So Sunny, where exactly is the lovely Lacey this lustrous even ing?” Alliteration aside, I thought, I need to nip this in the bud. “Oh, she has a holiday family thingy she had to go to.” That sounds believable, I clutched my beer, and it’ s even semi - true. Totally Mallory - proof, hopefully. Mallory raised an eyebrow. Uh oh. “So are we karaoke - ing or what?” I asked. “Hells to the yes!” Travis pounded the table. “I’ve been waiting all week for this.” “Babe,” Helen softly squeezed his hand. “It’s only Tuesday.” “Woman please!” Travis kissed Helen’s hand. “Don’t bother me with facts!” “Easy there,” Helen chuckled. “Let’s go get you a karaoke menu.” Ugh, I thought watching them walk hand in hand towards karaoke central . “Hon, can you get us a round of karaoke shots?” Mallory asked Jake. “Sunny and I need to have a little chat.” Crap. “No problemo,” Jake gave her a quick peck on the cheek before heading to the bar. Double crap. Mallory scowled at me. “Did you know that ‘karaoke’ means ‘empty orchestra’ in Japanese?” I forced a smile. “Everyone knows that!” “Hauntingly beautiful, isn’t it?” “Cut the crap Sunny,” Mall ory waved her finger at me. “You need to spill the beans on the Lacey situation before everyone gets back.” Should have known, I thought, feeling Mallory’s eyes bore holes into my skull. When it comes to my misery, she’s got a sixth sense. “Well?” Mallory crossed her arms. “I don’t know what you want from me Mal,” I closed my eyes, squeezing the bridge of my nose. “I want to know what’s up with you and Lacey.” “She’s at her folks for Thanksgiving. That wasn’t a lie.” “Wasn’t suggesting it was, but,” she pa used to look me in the eye, “I’m sensing there’s a but in there . . .” How the crap does she do that? “Am I right?” I sighed, “You could say that.” “And what would you say?” “I’d say she’s there because ‘we’ decided that ‘we’ needed to take a ‘break’ to ‘f igure us out,’” I explained with the appropriate air quotes. “And by ‘we’ I mean ‘she’.” “That’s harsh.” “Yeah, and you wanna know the craziest thing? ” I didn ’ t w ait for her answer. “ For someone with such a problem with me and all things Shade, Lacey’s ‘take a break’ speech was almost id entical to Shade’s pre - Chicago one. Kind of ironic, if you think about it.” “Hey, look at the bright side.” “Bright side?” “Yeah,” Mallory swirled her Shirley Temple. “Ross and Rachel were ‘on a break’ and ended up together “Great,” I raised my beer. “Here’s to years of bad relationships, a failed marriage, and a bastard child before falling ass backwards into love.” “Overdramatic much?” Mallory snickered. “So, what you going to do?” “Do? I’m going to drink many beers and belt out some ass kicking kara oke with my friends.” “I meant . . .” “I know what you meant, but there’s not much I can do about it now.” “So,” Jake set down a tray of Bacardi 151 shots and slid another Shirley Temple to Mallory, “whose ready to get their karaoke on?” Mallory and I exch anged nods. “That’d be me,” I grabbed and downed a shot. “Dude,” Travis tossed the karaoke menu at me before sitting down. “I’m so rocking the Sir Mix - a - lot tonight.” “Only after a little Kenny and Dolly duet action, babe,” Helen settled on Travis’ knee. “ What’s everyone else thinking of doing?” “Feels like a Whitesnake kind of night,” Mallory answered. “And I’m doing a little Def to - the - mother - fuckin’ Lep,” Jake kissed Mallory’s hand before downing his shot. “And that leaves only Little Miss Sunshine here. So what’s it going to be Sunny?” “I’m feeling a little bubble gummy,” I grabbed another beer from the bucket. “So I’m going rock a little Debbie not Deborah Gibson.” “Hells to the yeah,” Travis shouted as we went about filling out our karaoke slips. “Th is is going to be freakin’ awesome.” “Only In My Dreams” my friend, I thought chugging my beer. “Only In My Dreams.”