Untitled b y Carrie Sunner peeked over the hedge she had just finished trimming Had someone just called her name She looked out beyond the hedge toward the country club and saw nothing and no one o ID: 394528
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Untitled b y Jennifer Laird Carrie Sunner peeked over the hedge she had just finished trimming. Had someone just called her name? She looked out beyond the hedge toward the country club and saw nothing and no one out of place. Then she glanced over her shoulder, and saw a tall man in khakis and a light blue polo striding toward her. Carrie blew out a breath and laid the hedge trimmers and her gloves in her wheelbarrow. What now? She wondered, as she picked up her thermos of water and took a long drink. As Tony neared, he didn't miss the wave of wariness and irritation that seemed to radiate off her. He'd known going in, that she wasn't going to be easy to get. But she was absolutely perfect for the job and he wasn't leaving without her. "Can I help you?" Carrie asked, when he was within hearing distance. "I hope so," Tony replied, finishing the distance between them in a couple of long strides. As he approached, he saw her cross her arms firmly over her green, country club issued, grounds maintenance polo. She was on defense already and he had yet to introduce himself. He tried to mask his own trepidation as he held out his hand and business card in greeting. "Tony Sheppard, celebrity look - alike specialist. Pleasure to meet yo u." Carrie took his hand and tried not to react to the thrill that raced up her arm when their skin made contact. "Celebrity look - alike?" She asked, making a point to pull her hand out of his grasp. "I have a job proposal for you," Tony said, guessing by her reaction, that she had felt that little zing too. "My assistant, Heather, came through here a few months ago and discovered you," Tony held up his cell phone to show Carrie the picture Heather had had sent to him. When Carrie stepped closer to view the picture, Tony caught the fragrance of her perfume on the evening breeze. It was light and soft, everything she was trying so hard not to be. The contradiction intrigued him. Editor ’ s Critique: Although there are some appealing elements to this story, I found the opening a bit hard to follow. The first paragraphs need stronger hooks that will grab me as a reader. The rest of the opener also seems q uite everyday. Another suggestion would be to limit the number of POV switches. The first three paragraphs are Carrie’s POV, the fourth is definitely Tony, the fifth is a bit blurred, then back to his POV for two paragraphs and then hopping back and forth between them for the rest of the page. While alternating POV can be used effectively, in this case it didn’t let the reader get into a rhythm in the scene or situation. P erhaps a more effective opening would be in Tony’s POV. Something like: She certainly didn’t look like XXX, the sexiest woman in the world. But as the woman stretched and took a long drink of water, and he saw the line of her throat and glimpsed her body pressed against the green polo shirt, he began to think his plan might w ork. A minor point, but the “She” in “She asked should be lowercased. Good luck!