REFERENCES Purdue University Extension University of Missouri Extension Learning Goals amp Objectives Goal Child Care providers will acquire knowledge about the effects of divorce on children and skills to ID: 533348
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HELPING CHILDREN COPE WITH DIVORCE IN THE CHILD CARE SETTING
REFERENCES:
Purdue University Extension
University of Missouri ExtensionSlide2
Learning Goals & Objectives
Goal: Child Care providers will acquire knowledge about the effects of divorce on children and skills to
offer
support to them during a difficult time
Learning objectives covered:
Stages of divorce / effects on children
Behavior changes
Adjustments to routines
Communication with parents
Activities for childrenSlide3
INTRODUCTIONSlide4
FACTS ABOUT DIVORCE
As child care providers, you will almost certainly have children enrolled who are from already divorced parents, or who will be divorcing
Each situation is different
How much a child knows will varyDifferent aged children will react differentlyOther changes may come along for the childSlide5
What the data shows
According to the US Census, in Missouri, about 16% are single parent (mom or dad) without a spouse living with them Slide6
IMPORTANCE TO YOUAS CHILD CARE
PROVIDERSSlide7
You may already have children enrolled who have been through the divorce, AND you will
almost certainly
have a child experience a divorce while under your care.
It is important that you have information on how to help children through this experienceSlide8
Each situation is different
Whether or not married couples choose to stay together depends on the situation.
Some are able to separate and come to terms in an agreeable way. Sometimes there has been a lot of fighting and arguments.
Sometimes, abuse and domestic violence are involved, which can almost create relief for a child to get away from the abusive parent.Regardless, most of the time, it is a very sad time for the
child
and very stressfulSlide9
The parents may have taken some time to reach the decision, but may have said nothing to the children—so the parents are more prepared going in, while the children are caught by
surprise
Older children are more likely to suspect something is wrong. You may see a child exhibiting emotions like sadness, anger, confusion, or fear leading up to the
divorce, before they’ve actually been told anything. Slide10
EFFECTS ON CHILDREN BY AGESlide11
Child’s Understanding by Age Group
CHILD’S AGE
WHAT THEY UNDERSTAND
THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS
WHAT YOU CAN DO
Infants
Can sense changes in parents’ energy levels
and emotions; older infants will notice when one parent is not living in the home
Irritable; cries
more easily; fussy; sleeping/napping routines may change
Keep schedules and routines as normal
as possible
Reassure children with physical comfort (may need extra holding/rocking) and soothing words
Keep favorite toys, blankets close at handSlide12
Child’s Understanding by Age – con’t
CHILD’S AGE
WHAT THEY UNDERSTAND
THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS
WHAT YOU CAN DO
Toddlers
Recognize that one parent no longer lives with them;
may express empathy toward others feeling sad
May have difficulty separating from parents; may express anger toward parent; may regress on some developmental milestones (toileting, thumb sucking);
sleep and naptimes may be affected; may have nightmares
Allow more time at transition times (dropping off
/ picking up)
Need lots of reassurance
Recognize the child’s distress; don’t overreact to the behaviors or slips in development;
Give parents resources for supporting children during this timeSlide13
Child’s Understanding by Age – con’t
CHILD’S AGE
WHAT THEY UNDERSTAND
THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS
WHAT YOU CAN DO
Preschool /
Early
elementary
Recognize that one parent no longer lives with them;
Elementary school children begin to understand that divorce means their parents will no longer be married and live together and that they no longer love each other
Will likely blame themselves—think it was something they did; worry about changes in their lives; may have more nightmares; may show signs of grief
because one parent is gone; may show some aggression or anger toward the parent they think wanted the divorce; may fantasize that parents will get back together
Consistently
tell children they are NOT to blame
Reassure children that their needs will be met/they’ll be taken care of
Talk with them about their feelings
Be sensitive to their fears
Be supportive of their relationship with each parent
Use books/activities to help them express their feelingsSlide14
Behavior changes
As providers, you know that children all have different personalities and ways of expressing themselves
When upset, they will act differently—this can be for many reasons, (illness, new pet, schedule change, etc) but could be a sign that there is an issue at
home (which may be a divorce is coming).
It is important to find out the real issue if possible Slide15
Communicating with Parents
Not all parents will be comfortable talking to you about something this personal, but communication will be critical
if you are to support the child
. Some parents may openly discuss it with you and even ask you for adviceSome may not talk at all, it may be the child who tells youSlide16
Communicating with Parents – con’t
If you don’t find out directly from the parent, make sure you have time and private place to
discuss it with them.
Keep the focus on the child, that you are there to support the child and meet the child’s needs, not to gossip. You can start by letting them know about any changes in child’s behavior you’ve noticed.Slide17
Communication Tips
If possible, talk
to both parents—together if they are comfortable, separate if not
Listen without judgingRepeat what you understand, but don’t make statements that sound like you are picking a sideLet them know you will work with them for the support of the childSlide18
Communication Tips – con’t
Likewise, with older children, remain objective and don’t align with them
for or against
one parentFocus on the child’s feelingsDon’t get caught up with the details about the divorceThink ahead about other changes that may be coming (parents relocating, remarrying, etc)Slide19
What Children Will Need:
They need to know that both parents will stay involved in their lives
They need the parents not to fight in front of them (they’ll think they did something)
They need each parent to use their time with them to love and support them, not make them feel like they are taking a sideSlide20
What Children Will Need – con’t:
They need parents to communicate with each other directly and not use them as “messengers”
They need to hear only positive things about both parents—negative talk will make them feel put down themselves
They still need both parents to be parents and help them when they have problemsSlide21
WHAT CHILD CARE PROVIDERS CAN DOSlide22
What You May Need to Do:
Make sure you have clear directions as to pick up/drop off arrangements, custody, etc
Make sure all staff know about any changes
Make sure your contact information is kept up to date for any parents relocatingMake sure parents keep you informed of their schedule changes & arrangement with the other parent (who may pick up, emergency notifications, etc)Slide23
ACTIVITIES TO HELP CHLDREN COPESlide24
Activities for Helping Children Express Feelings - Drawing
Children can express feeling by drawing pictures of:
How they feel
Different emotions: happiness, anger, sadness, loneliness
Their family
Their home(s
)Slide25
Activities – con’tTalking
Who do they talk to about the divorce (do they have someone—parent, counselor, pastor, etc)
What are they worried about
What do they like best about mom/dad (focus on positive feelings)
Can they think of something good that has happened to them lately (help them realize that in spite of divorce, good things will still happen)Slide26
Activities – con’tPlay
Puppets (may help them talk about feelings)
Games (sometimes easier to talk when engaged in an activity)
Role Play –Older children may be afraid to ask a question or express something to a parent. You can help them “practice.”Slide27
Activities – con’t
Personal Timeline
Older children may be worried about the future.
Creating a personal timeline helps them see the positives in the future
Sibling birth
birth
Start college
Change school
Make new friends
Graduate high school
kindergarten
moved
divorce
Got a pet
Make football teamSlide28
Activities – con’tTime capsule
Can help child realize that troubled feelings they are having now won’t last forever—helps them look forward to the future
They choose things to put in--drawings, stories, pictures—that represent their life now
Include: friends, family, where they think they’ll be in a year, things they like to do, what they want to be when they grow upSlide29
Activities – con’tTime capsule
Use something they can seal (large plastic container, envelope, shoe box)
Help them put the things in and seal it
Help them pick a date they want to open it (five years, special birthday) and write it on the outsideSlide30
Activities – con’tPhysical activity
Exercise and physical activity releases tension or angry feelings in a positive way, plus the health benefits
Offer fun and maybe different activities so they want to participate. (for younger children, you can get ideas from Move Smart, or I Am Moving, I Am Learning—hula hoops, imitating animals, follow the leader, songs with actions, etc)Slide31
SummarySlide32
Conclusion
This is a difficult time for families
All members of the family are dealing with a wide range of emotions
The adults must work together to keep the child’s sense of stability intact during this complicated situation Child care provides a safe place for children to feel this stability and security—you represent something that is staying the same for themSlide33
References
Purdue University Extension:
https://www.extension.purdue.edu/providerparent/Family-Child%20Relationships/Divorce.htm
University of Missouri Extension:
http://extension.missouri.edu/publications/DisplayPub.aspx?P=GH6600
http://extension.missouri.edu/explorepdf/hesguide/humanrel/gh6602.pdf
http://extension.missouri.edu/explorepdf/hesguide/humanrel/gh6607.pdf
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Additional Resources
Parent Link: 1-800-552-8522
Provides research based information to assist parents
MissouriFamilies.org Brief articles and answers on a variety of topics including divorceSlide35
Wrap Up
Questions/comments
Evaluation