EXAGGERATED EXPECTATIONS and THE CORE NEED OF REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS 16 Unrelenting Standards 17 Punitiveness 18 SelfSacrifice Lifetraps Stemming from Unrealistic Expectations Maladaptive Schemas ID: 513609
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Slide1Slide2
SESSION SEVEN:
EXAGGERATED EXPECTATIONS
and THE CORE NEED OF
REALISTIC EXPECTATIONSSlide3
16. Unrelenting Standards
17. Punitiveness18. Self-Sacrifice
Lifetraps
Stemming from Unrealistic ExpectationsSlide4
Maladaptive Schemas (
Lifetraps
) contrasted with Adaptive or Positive Traits
Unrelenting Standards
vs
Realistic Standards
Punitiveness
vs
Graciousness
Self-Sacrifice
vs
ReciprocitySlide5
Realistic Expectations
Read Gen 29:14b – 30:1-24, Gen 32:1 - 33:1
-20, Gen 35
:16
-
20
When Rachel said,
“Give me children, or I’ll
die”, is it wrong to be desperate to have children?
What message would she have believed if she did not have children?Slide6
What happened to her in Gen 30:1? Was this connected to her earlier statement?
Compare the first born (Reuben) and the fourth born (Judah)? Through whose line of descendants did Jesus and David come from?What does this show about how God works?Was the first born that much more special?
Was God able to work through Leah even though she was not favored by Jacob like Rachel?Slide7
Eventually God showed that His workings does not fit within the framework of man’s ideas and expectations. The firstborn was
Reuben, but through whose line of descendants did Jesus come from? It was the fourth son, Judah (Gen 29: 35), not the first or the last, which would probably be most people’s guess. Slide8
So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it.
2 Corinthians 5:9Slide9
Movie Moment
Happy FeetSlide10Slide11Slide12
A gentle answer turns away wrath,
but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Proverbs 15:1Slide13
The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly.
Proverbs 15:2Slide14
A cheerful look brings joy to the heart, and good news gives health to the bones.
Proverbs 15:30Slide15
Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices—mint, dill and cumin. But you have neglected the more important matters of the law—justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former. You blind guides! You strain out a gnat but swallow a camel.
Matthew 23:23-24 Slide16
Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.
Romans 15:7 Slide17
Are the schemas in this domain ruining our relationships? Are they causing us to hurt our children? Why
do we find it difficult to praise
others? Where do our unrelenting standards come from?
Here are some possible
answers…Slide18
Reason 1 – we don’t want
them to become proudSlide19
Reason 2 – we don’t want
to be seen as a boastful parentSlide20
Reason 3 – we do not approve of the things they do or listen to or wear or whatever…Slide21
Reason 4 – we feel if we don’t correct them we are not being a good Christian (or we are afraid that they won’t be a good Christian)…Slide22
Reason 5 – we genuinely don’t appreciate their strengthsSlide23
Reason 6 – we are fixated on what we want for them; living our dreams through them…Slide24
Our children have different gifts and intelligences and we should accept and praise them.
According to Howard Gardner of Harvard University and his theory of Multiple Intelligence, the different intelligences are:
The Multiple IntelligencesSlide25
1.
Logical - Mathematical
“
IQ
”
indicative of logical,
mathematical and
scientific ability Slide26
Albert EinsteinSlide27
2.
Linguistic
“IQ” –
(also known as
Verbal Intelligence)
exhibited in its
fullest form
by poetsSlide28
J.K. Rowling
Author of HARRY POTTERSlide29
Modern-Day Poets (Rap Artists)Slide30
3.
Musical
“TQ”– the ability to understand/comprehend and/or produce music; related to one’s grasp of rhythm, pitch and tone.
Slide31
Ludwig van Beethoven
Johann Sebastian BachSlide32Slide33
4.
Spatial
“TQ” – ability to form a mental model of a spatial world and be able to maneuver and operate using that modelSlide34
Singapore is now host to the world’s
first annual Formula One Night Race!Slide35Slide36
Navigational SkillsSlide37
5.
Bodily/Kinesthetic “
TQ
”
ability to solve problems
or fashion products
using one’s whole body
or parts of the bodySlide38Slide39Slide40
6.
Naturalistic
“TQ” –
The ability to recognize, categorize, and/or draw upon certain features of the environment. Slide41
John Gray
Sea Canoe Eco-Tours in Phuket Slide42
Park & harbour design, landscaping,
“green jobs”Slide43
7.
Interpersonal
“EQ” – the ability to understand people: what motivates them, how they work, how to work cooperatively with them
Slide44Slide45
8.
Intrapersonal “
EQ
”
– the ability to form an accurate assessment of how one is feeling, to know oneself, and to use that knowledge to operate effectively in lifeSlide46
Gifted Authors & Helpers
The intrapersonal intelligence
individual may find
a career in areas such as a poet,
artist, photographer, or therapist
and counselor. Famous People:
Charles Darwin, Virginia Wolf,
Helen Keller, George Patton, Mother
Theresa and Anne Frank.Slide47
Our job as parents:
Expose and encourage! Accept and praise!
Our job is NOT to live out our dreams through them or compete with our children…Slide48
MOVIE THERAPY
Kicking and ScreamingSlide49
Movie Moment
Kicking and ScreamingSlide50Slide51Slide52
Music & Spatial
Listen to beautiful music
Take them to concerts
Have an art area at home
Provide an atlas early in life -
Talk about directions - use maps on websites
Don’t discourage their artworkSlide53
Kinesthetic
Let them get dirty
Lots of outdoor activities
Crawling and climbing
Practice all sorts of sports (for fun!)Slide54
Naturalistic
Encourage your children to grow a plant.
Help them to recycle items from your home.
Visit parks often and talk about the beauty of nature.
Work “love of nature” into your family holidays. Slide55
Interpersonal
Monitor their social skills as much as their academic skills
VALUE their social life as much as their studies
Ask your children for their opinion
Praise specific comments or acts of kindnessSlide56
also
Encourage your children to talk to other adults
Have friends over and be hospitable
Foster independence (like cleaning their own room) to instill more confidence
Spend time at school in order to watch their interaction with othersSlide57
Intrapersonal
Create an atmosphere of openness
Listen! Listen! Listen! (Provide time)
Give Meaning Attribution (Explain “why” a lot!)
Tell stories about the past (history, religion, YOUR life)
Let them have free time and an inner lifeSlide58
also
Tell the story of YOUR childhood
Read about Heroes
Learn together about history
Visit museums, ballet, and the operaSlide59
Movie Moment
Dead Poet’s Society
Illustrates a father who does not accept his son’s interests, gifts, and intelligences, and destroys his family because of his unrealistic expectations.Slide60Slide61Slide62Slide63Slide64Slide65Slide66
The dad loved his son, but he loved his own dreams more.
Everything was about the dad.
Didn’t appreciate his son’s gifts and strengths.
Instead of developing PUNITIVENESS or NEGATIVITY, he sought so much
approval
that he killed himself, the ultimate SELF-SACRIFICE.
Lifetrap
Lessons from
Dead Poets’ SocietySlide67
The core message of the self-sacrifice
lifetrap is, “I must meet the needs of others before my own. I do not want to feel selfish or cause any pain to others.” This pattern of thinking and behaving appears very kind but creates problems in the long run as it results in imbalanced
relationships, and problems with unmet
needs.
Self SacrificeSlide68Slide69Slide70Slide71Slide72Slide73Slide74Slide75Slide76Slide77Slide78
Unrelenting Standards
The core message of the unrelenting standards
lifetrap
is, “I must work very, very hard to meet very high standards or I will be criticized. I do not have time to relax or have too much fun. I must always be efficient.” The driving words for this
lifetrap
are “
I should …”
Slide79Slide80Slide81Slide82Slide83Slide84Slide85Slide86Slide87Slide88Slide89
Movie Moment
I Not Stupid
Unrelenting StandardsSlide90Slide91
Punitiveness
The core message of the
punitiveness
lifetrap
is, “Mistakes have consequences – I should be punished for making mistakes and so should everyone else. It is not okay to make a mistake. We should constantly strive for and demand perfection.”Slide92
People with the punitive
lifetrap do not give grace or mercy, either to themselves or to people who make mistakes. They are people who usually do not forgive easily. Rather, they see all mistakes as crimes which should be punished. They have a very strong sense of justice, and right and wrong, seeing things in black and white. They come across as blaming when they see a mistake. Slide93Slide94Slide95Slide96Slide97Slide98Slide99Slide100Slide101Slide102Slide103
Movie Moment
Amelie
PunitivenessSlide104Slide105Slide106Slide107
Basic Safety when Meeting the
Core Emotional
Need of
Realistic ExpectationsSlide108
Myopia
Spinal InjurySleep Deprivation
Three Areas In Addition to Mental HealthSlide109
Parents make a difference
Effort makes a difference (not just genes) For example, in the USA, only 1% of the population is Jewish, but 10-14% of gifted children are from that origin.
James Campbell – Research on how parents help their children. Parents can have a lot of influence even in school days when they spend a lot of time at school.
Education Slide110
Values are best passed on when the connection is high – not low or medium
E.g. Time together regularly, outside academicsBe partners with them Use parent’s skills – don’t just rely on tuition…
1.
Parental Emotional Support and ConnectionSlide111
Need to distinguish between ability and effort.
When effort is high, and you are focused on that then you are modeling something very important.Else from the child’s view pointLove = Results….Slide112
Neglect
Fear Conditioned Love
Low Level
High Level
ConcernSlide113
This is so devastating.
Grow up with inner voice saying,“You are not good enough”“You are stupid”“You are a failure”“You will never make it”
Dysfunction will be passed down to their children.Slide114
When identifying gifts, if unsure, be flexible…Slide115
How this is going to affect them, not you…
Not being able to provide for your own familyNot using your own talent – frustrationEffort makes a huge differenceFamily holidays
MotivationSlide116
A Lot (Danger)
Some
Moderate
Little
NoneSlide117
A Lot (Danger)
Some
Moderate
Little
NoneSlide118
Use role models, stories…(not those who make it big in $$$ in papers)
Col 3: 23
Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men.Slide119
Expectations Must Blend with their Gifts
Expose them early on – music, games, reading, art, and pay attention.
So many parents are motivated by status and $$$ – Doctors, lawyers, engineers. It will never be stated, but it is the main driving force.Slide120
Ability is what God gave you. Effort is what makes you grow.
Emphasize this over and over again.Use role models about people who worked hard, not always monetarily rich.Slide121
Collaborate with them to build good work habits
If younger, be more directive, not authoritarian.
E.g. Good reading / learning habits early on. If older (9-10), be a mentor and collaborate more.
Work habits must turn into routines… Slide122
Empathy
vs PressureWhen they are trying – empathize. Really
be partners with them. Tell them how
much you believe in them…
When poor grade is a result of poor effort…Slide123
DO NOT
Beat themYell at them
Belittle or verbally abuse them
Withdraw your love and connection
Show favoritism
Give up Slide124
Instead:
a) Keep Being Consistent in Meeting Core Needs Time together should not cease, playful times with them, joy as a family…
b
) Provide More Structure – learning environment, own desk, room, other noise, interference…Slide125
More structure is NOT punishment
More time needed
More practice
More self discipline
More quality – some pretend to study to please parents.
Too much TV / computer gamesSlide126
More structure is NOT punishment
Studied wrong material
Show off by finishing first
Leave on a positive note, believing them. Don’t bark at poor grades/ setbacksSlide127
More structure means maintaining good balance of play and relaxation and spirituality.
Never miss
QTs
/ church
BT for teens – skip only if 2 weeks away from major exams.
Many parents prioritize tuition >> spirituality and they can’t make it to BTs on Saturdays. Slide128
If you are going to cut out, take out
CCAs…too many will affect other important areas
E.g. Sonia with tennis…
Schools – several issues that take up too much time.
Mother tongue – why do good students need to study something that takes up 70% of their time? Not sure how it will be used in the future…Slide129
Spirituality is more important than academics
.Slide130
c
) Diagnose and Analyze Together –Maybe other causes:Did not put in enough effortChild forgot to study
Does not like that subject
Make a pact together – partners…Slide131
Did not go over the answers
Poor teacher – bad questions, and misdirection, wrong material.d
) More Assistance
If with parents, watch distractions, especially on subjects they do not like… Slide132
e) Keep emphasizing on their strength
This avoids them going into a downward spiral and becoming negative…
vi) Celebrate when there’s progress
Not when they get 90%
Why did you not get 100%
How many people got 90%?Slide133
Keep telling them – For subjects that they don’t like, they do not have to do this forever!!! But finish off well…
Good for character. Explain why…Slide134
Sometimes, just need to leave and let them be. When they are ready, they will come back to you…When your relationship is good they will want to please you. (elaborate)Slide135
Don’t Send Mixed Signals. Warm when spending time, and then a “tiger” when it comes to academics.Slide136
SLEEP DEPRIVATION – 2 hours less
SPINAL INJURIES – 20% body weightMYOPIA – related to outdoor play
BASIC SAFETY
(see book for stats)Slide137
Getting Ready for Bed - caffeine, TV, noise…
A Sleep Friendly Environment
Sleeping Arrangements (John’s specialty!)
Realistic Expectations
Teens - need sleep! Moods…
SleepingSlide138
Movie Moment
Amelie
Helper’s high…Slide139Slide140
Movie Moment
Happy Feet
(My son’s comments about this movie.)Slide141Slide142
Meet your children’s core
need of Realistic Expectations –
you never know what God might accomplish through your kids!Slide143
Last session is the Plus-one need of Spiritual
Spiritual Values and Community
End Session Seven