The Kiely Group Ph 88888EIGHT lareekielygroupcom Having a Healthy Dialogue in Difficult Situations 2009 KGi All rights reserved 2 Laree Kiely Donna Wigand 3 Learning Objectives As a result of attending this workshop you will ID: 172746
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Laree Kiely Ph.D.The Kiely GroupPh: 888-88-EIGHTlaree@kielygroup.com
Having a Healthy Dialogue in Difficult SituationsSlide2
©2009 KGi All rights reserved.
2Laree KielyDonna WigandSlide3
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Learning Objectives:As a result of attending this workshop, you will:Learn a process for analyzing the situation before we ever open our mouthsKnow why some conversations are much more difficult than othersEnhance transparency and trustKnow how to proceed when we know we must©2009 KGi All rights reserved.Slide4
My Dinner with Mike and Hamdi
©2009 KGi All rights reserved.4Slide5
The Third Entity
132Slide6
©2007 The Kiely Group. All rights reserved.
6Healthy DialogueThink of an example of your own. A conversation you should be having but haven’t had it yet because it will be hard.Or even one you had recently that did not go wellSlide7
All Available Data
NOISESharing Realities: The Ladder of Inference
1. Our Observations
3. Our Conclusions
2. Our Interpretations
At each step, there is an opportunity for our stories
to diverge because:
We notice different things
Our conclusions reflect our
self interest
We are influenced by past
experienceSlide8
8It’s Not What You Intend, It’s What You SendGeorge and Martha have been married for 5 years. At a recent event hosted by George’s company, George was looking around for his lost car keys and Martha said, laughingly, for all to hear, “George is the most disorganized person I know.” He gave her an angry look. Slide9
9It’s Not What You Intend, It’s What You Send.Attributing Motives: Later George angrily confronts Martha. “I’m really tired of your trying to belittle me in front of people.”To which Martha replied, “Belittle you? I was trying to make light of the situation so you wouldn’t be embarrassed.” Slide10
10The ErrorsGeorge’s ErrorMartha’s ErrorWhich one are you most often? Slide11
Who Has The Problem?
Know what you wantTake responsibility for what you wantTake actionSlide12
All Available Data
NOISESharing Realities: The Ladder of Inference
1. Our Observations
3. Our Conclusions
2. Our Interpretations
At each step, there is an opportunity for our stories
to diverge because:
We notice different things
Our conclusions reflect our
self interest
We are influenced by past
experience
Abandon the need for blame and map the contributionsSlide13
Prevention
Empathy: A sense of “other”Ask: “What will they need?”Assertiveness: A sense of “self”
Use the “NO” sandwichSlide14
©2007 The Kiely Group. All rights reserved.
14Healthy DialogueThink of an example of your own. A conversation you should be having but haven’t had it yet because it will be hard.Or even one you had recently that did not go wellSlide15
©2007 The Kiely Group. All rights reserved.
15Three Levels of DialogueThe ”EVENT ITSELF” LevelThe “EMOTIONAL” LevelThe “SELF IMAGE” LevelSlide16
©2007 The Kiely Group. All rights reserved.
16My Contribution: What have I done (or failed to do) that got us to this point?Their Contribution: What have they done (or failed to do) that got us to this point?MAP THE CONTRIBUTIONSlide17
©2007 The Kiely Group. All rights reserved.
17Three Levels of DialogueThe ”EVENT ITSELF” LevelThe “EMOTIONAL” LevelThe
“SELF IMAGE” LevelLABEL THE EMOTION/FEELINGSlide18
I am going to call on you here!!
©2009 KGi All rights reserved.18Slide19
©2007 The Kiely Group. All rights reserved.
19Three Levels of DialogueThe ”EVENT ITSELF” LevelThe “EMOTIONAL” LevelThe
“SELF IMAGE” LevelLABEL THE EMOTION/FEELINGSlide20
Negative Feelings =
The Tip Of The IcebergFEAR20Slide21
©2007 The Kiely Group. All rights reserved.
21What about me:What do I fear this situation says about me?What part of this is possibly accurate?
Other data I have about myself?What about them:What might the situation say about them that they might react to?
How might I ease these fears?Slide22
This is Gnarly and Complex Stuff
Because it’s not just about our relationship with the other person, it’s about our relationship with ourselves©2007 The Kiely Group. All rights reserved.22Slide23
©2007 The Kiely Group. All rights reserved.
23Three Levels of DialogueThe ”EVENT ITSELF” LevelThe “EMOTIONAL” LevelThe “SELF IMAGE” LevelSlide24
Negative Feelings =
The Tip Of The IcebergFEAR24
LikabilityEthicsCompetenceSlide25
25 Mary gets a call late one afternoon from Tom, a friend and colleague in a time crunch. He needed a set of numbers run on a project they were both assigned to by early next morning. “Do the best you can,” he said. Mary was in the middle of another report her boss needed, but stayed late to do Tom’s numbers. The next day she picks up a voice mail from Tom saying, “Good grief, Mary. You got these numbers all wrong. I knew that was short notice, but the data is incomplete and many of the numbers are just plain wrong. I can’t hand this in. It’s a disaster. Give me a call as soon as you get in.”The Double-Click MethodSlide26
26What Happens Next?Avoid the conversation (So we carry the baggage around and let it fester like a sliver)Have a damaging conversation (One that hurts the relationship even more)Have a healthy dialogueSlide27
How We Form Reality
The Ladder of Inference –Argrys--
1. Our Observations
3. Our Conclusions
2. Our Interpretations
At each step, there is an opportunity for our stories
to diverge because:
©2009 KGi All rights reserved.
!!!Have the conversation at this level!!!Slide28
The Crucial Do and Don’t
Do: Describe impact Don’t: Never attribute motives!!!!©2009 KGi All rights reserved.28Slide29
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The Listening L.A.W.SRemember: As the noise in your head goes up, your ability to listen effectively goes down
L
LIKE
A
ADD
W
WORRIED ABOUT
S
SOLUTION
©2009 KGi All rights reserved.Slide30
Thank You
and H.I.T.A.K.I.T.!!--Laree and Donna and the Kiely Group--©2009 KGi All rights reserved.30