Loss Helping Clinical Professionals Clergy amp Gatekeepers use appropriate language with persons who are Survivors of Suicide Loss as they grieve What to Say How to Help Someone Coping with a Loss Due to Suicide ID: 504988
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Slide1
Impact of Language on Survivors ofLoss
Helping Clinical Professionals,
Clergy & Gatekeepers use appropriate
language with persons who are Survivors
of Suicide Loss as they grieveSlide2
What to Say: How to Help Someone Coping with a Loss Due to Suicide
Donald P. Belau, Ph.D.
Lincoln/Lancaster LOSS Team
Clinical Director
d
onald.belau@doane.edu
402-759-0573Slide3
Overview
A way to deal with the Why??
LOSS Teams’ power of influence through interactions
7 K
eys
to Using Healing Language Role Playing--practiceTips in dealing with children & youth grief that can be shared with adult survivors
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Why?
Sudden Death leading to the Unanswerable "Why?"
Trying to make sense of or understand sudden losses can be difficult. Survivors are left asking "Why?" "Why did this happen?"
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Why?The suicide of a loved one are beyond anyone's control; they are a sudden, unexplainable loss.
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Why?It is human nature to want to answer the question "Why?" yet it may be difficult if not impossible to find an answer.
Instead
the question "Why?" is more of a plea for meaning and understanding.
6Slide7
Ways to Help
There are many possible perspectives for coping with this difficult question:
When death has shaken your faith, "Why?" "Why must my life be filled with sorrow?" "Why?“ “Why did this have to happen?”
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Ways to HelpThere are no pat answers.
No
one completely understands the mystery of death.
Even
if the question were answered, Would
the pain be eased, your loneliness less terrible? 8Slide9
Ways to Help
"Why"
is more
than a question.
It
may be an agonizing cry for a heart-breaking loss, an expression of distress or anger, disappointment, bewilderment, alienation, and betrayal. 9Slide10
Ways to HelpThere is no answer that bridges the chasm of irreparable separation.
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Ways to HelpThere is no satisfactory response for an unresolvable dilemma.
Not
all questions have complete answers. Unanswered "Why's" are part of life.
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Ways to HelpThe search
for answers may
continue but the real question might
be:
"How [do I] pick up the pieces and go on living as meaningful as possible?“12Slide13
Ways to Help
Assure survivors that is permissible to ask why as often as needed—until one day—the urge to ask why declines.
This may mean the journey of acceptance has began.
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LOSS Teams’ Influence
Seeking help when you are ready is a sign of strength, and the ability to move forward.
LOSS Teams can facilitate this process by using language that has evidence to support the its use.
Training & practice of these language skills allows for the LOSS Team to be effective in assisting survivors in moving forward.
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Ways to HelpHow does one know they are ready to seek help
?
Tricky question
Not really!!
Key is the LOSS team visit
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LOSS Team Interactions
The visit of the LOSS team has multiple purposes & the language skills used can:
Instill hope by personalizing themselves
Inform as to self-care, coping & the uniqueness of grief
Provide a sense of connectedness
Offer support and referrals to resourcesUse of the power of invitationReduce self-imposed isolation
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Hope
Hello, I am ………… I am sorry for your loss.
We are here to provide any support or answer any questions that you might have. Can I get you anything? What is the most pressing concern you have?
Each of us have lost someone to suicide, and are willing to share whatever time you need now and later, even if it is days or weeks from now.
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Hope
What not to say---
I understand what you are going through.
He/She
is no longer in pain
Things will get better, I know it18Slide19
Self-care & Grief
Promote self-care by acknowledging the draw to drinking or self-medicating—but pointing out this can impair relationships, judgment, etc.
What do you do to relax? What are your interests, hobbies, etc.?
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Self-care & Grief
Offer the idea of seeking help via support groups, counseling, faith leaders, friends, and family.
Speak openly that some will experience ‘grief bursts’, and that they will decrease with time
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Self-care & Grief
What not to say:
It is ok to tie one on—you will feel better.
Crying is normal, everyone does it.
Everyone goes through stages of grief—over and over.
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Connectedness
Explore safe conversation by connecting with visual artifacts or pictures
I see that your family/you liked to…..
Use observable strengths, talents, to build a bridge
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Connectedness
What not to say:
I don’t see any pictures of …………
Were you close?
Any intrusive statements that could be viewed as probing
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Support & the Power of Invitation
Ask for permission to follow up—
Would you mind if I or some member of the team check in with you?
There are support groups available, would you mind if I called you to see if you able to attend a support group with me or fellow LOSS team member?
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Support & the Power of Invitation
What not to say
:
There is a support group meeting on ….. at ….
I will be checking up on you to see how you are doing
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Reducing Self-imposed Isolation
Reinforce the power of connecting with others as this promotes healing and reducing the natural response to isolate with one’s misery and pain
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Reducing Self-imposed Isolation
Engagement in simple activities, often with peers who have had losses as well will promote healing
Participating in
community-based walks and activities that draw attention to suicide prevention, and postvention activities.
27Slide28
Reducing Self-imposed Isolation
What not to say:
Everyone needs to get involved in something
If you don’t get active, you will suffer the consequences
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7 Keys to Using Healing Language Slide30
7 Keys to Using Healing Language
Promote Respectfulness
Strive to be Nonjudgmental
Be calm & relax before engaging in the visit—take several deep, cleansing breathes
Use clear short phrases with emphasis upon open ended questions
Focus on listening with your inner earUse rich nonverbal communicationMonitor the emotion of the visitation experience & look for a safe, positive exit within a 45-60 minute period of time
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Promote RespectfulnessSlide32
Strive to be NonjudgmentalSlide33
Be calm & relax before engaging in the visit—take several deep, cleansing breathesSlide34
Use clear short phrases with emphasis upon open ended questionsSlide35
Focus on listening with your inner earSlide36
Use rich nonverbal communicationSlide37
Monitor the emotion of the visitation experience & look for a safe, positive exit within a 45-60 minute period of timeSlide38
Practice
Role PlayingSlide39
Supportive Comments Focusing Upon Self-careSlide40
Supportive Comments
Letting the survivor know that there will be days that will drag on, painfully slow—that they can move through those days by focusing on one hour at a time, by reaching out even if they do not have the energy.
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Supportive Comments
The power of normalcy is healing—using terms such as---”most people will feel drained”, most people find ways of connecting”
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Supportive Comments
Looking to connect with the survivor builds bridges by commenting upon environmental clues to build a relationship.
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Supportive Comments
If a survivor, explain briefly your loss.
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Supportive Comments
If a clinician, acknowledge your interest
.
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Supportive Comments
If a friend or peer, reach out with simple courtesy.
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Supportive Comments
Finding a routine is critical
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Supportive Comments
Consider journaling as a way to move forward through your grief and pain which allows healing to begin
Share your feelings and thoughts as often as you need
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Supportive Comments
Others???
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Supportive Comments Focusing Upon CopingSlide50
Basics on Coping for the Survivor
It is important for the grieving person to take care of him/herself following a sudden loss.
He/she is dealing with an event that is beyond his/her control.
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Basics on Coping for the Survivor
One way of helping is to do things that help re-establish the person’s sense of control over their world.
It is also important to focus on the basics the body needs for day-to-day survival:
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Basics on Coping for the Survivor
Maintain a normal routine.
Even if it is difficult to do regular activities, try to anyway.
Putting more structure into a daily routine will help one to feel more in control.
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Basics on Coping for the Survivor
Get enough sleep, at least plenty of rest.
It may be helpful to keep lists, write notes, or keep a schedule.
Try and get some regular exercise. This can help relieve stress and tension.
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Basics on Coping for the Survivor
Drink alcohol in moderation.
Alcohol
should not be used as a way of masking the pain.
Do what comforts, sustains & recharges.
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Basics on Coping for the Survivor
Help the survivor remember
other difficult times and how
they have
survived them.
Encourage them to draw upon the inner strength which may be quiet for now, but can emerge.Remind them to take it one hour at a time, one day at a time when feeling panicked or overwhelmed.
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Basics on Coping for the Survivor
Encourage them to keep a balanced diet.
Watch out for junk food, or high calorie comfort food binges.
Ask them to drink plenty of water.
Give them lemon drops which stimulates thirst
The survivor has been weeping, and needs to replenish their liquids. . 56Slide57
Children & Youth GriefSlide58
“A child’s life is forever changed and very different following a sudden traumatic loss of a loved one.”Slide59
Language with Children & Youth
A key is to anticipate developmental differences and to respond accordingly with verbal and nonverbal skills.
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Concrete Tips for Dealing With Youth Grief
Change creates loss and loss creates grief.
These changes can be frightening for children and teens.
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Concrete Tips for Dealing With Youth Grief
Children and teens may experience a wide range of emotions.
They need love and support to help them cope with the grief associated with change and loss.
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Concrete Tips for Dealing With Youth Grief
All too often, many caregivers are too overwhelmed by their own shock, sadness and grief to notice their children are grieving too.
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Concrete Tips for Dealing With Youth Grief
For children, as adults, there is no magic wand in overcoming grief.
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Concrete Tips for Dealing With Youth Grief
Grief is a process; it is as individual as the people going through it are.
The
stages of grief are not linear.
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Concrete Tips for Dealing With Youth Grief
There will be ups and downs, peaks and valleys and the inevitable bumps in the road.
Shock, denial, anger, regression, guilt, bargaining and finally acceptance are the myriad of emotions that are part of the healing process called grief.
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Concrete Tips for Dealing With Children’s Grief & Curiosity
A grieving child needs reassurance that he/she will be cared for and is loved.
It is important to take the time to discuss the loss with children in developmentally appropriate language giving no more than the information they asked for, which will allow them to process at their own speed.
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Concrete Tips for Dealing With Children’s Grief
It is extremely important to listen
to the
child verbalize their fears, anger, confusion and doubts.
Grief and the feelings it evokes are natural responses to loss.
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Concrete Tips for Dealing With Youth Grief
Children & Youth should be encouraged to let their sadness out by sharing their thoughts, feelings and memories with trusted listeners.
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Concrete Tips for Dealing With Youth Grief
One can become a trusted listener by encouraging them to express themselves though drawing, writing and sharing their feelings and thoughts; this can be enhanced through the process of keeping a journal.
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Concrete Tips for Dealing With Grief
For some children keeping a journal is a wonderful way to facilitate the grieving process.
Encourage them to draw about their feelings, to create "heart art."
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Concrete Tips for Dealing With Grief
Young children think symbolically rather than with the use of written words.
Pictures help to reveal a child’s thinking.
Drawing actually helps children find their words as they describe what they have drawn, or tell a story about the art.
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Concrete Tips for Dealing With Grief
In addition, journal exercises can provide opportunities for gentle discussions and can offer insights into a child’s fears and misconceptions.
Keeping a journal allows children to creatively express themselves.
Their drawings can be used as a springboard for caring conversations.
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Concrete Tips for Dealing With Grief
For children and teens, writing in a journal can give them permission to record their feelings and emotions.
It allows them to feel close to their loved one and remember happier times.
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Concrete Tips for Dealing With Grief
It also provides an opportunity to say good-bye.
This is a very important step towards acceptance in the grieving process.
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Concrete Tips for Dealing With Youth Grief
Adults may also want to work in their own journal with the youth as well.
Keeping a journal will provide an opportunity to record feelings, thoughts and memories of the loved one.
This simple technique is one of the most empowering and healing acts a person can do.
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Concrete Tips for Dealing With Youth Grief
In the journal one can write about feelings of anger, guilt, confusion, resentment, the sadness, loss, fears, as well as feelings about the family and loved one.
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Concrete Tips for Dealing With Youth Grief
Keeping a journal can create a tremendous modeling resource for children or teens: modeling desired behavior is a powerful teaching tool.
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Concrete Tips for Dealing With Grief
Creating a journal also can create a connection to the loved one.
The journaling process, like grief, is not linear.
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Concrete Tips for Dealing With Grief
Revisiting entries at a later time is an important step in being able to accept and go forward with your life.
Keeping a journal provides adults children and teens with a cherished piece of memorabilia that may be helpful to revisit periodically within the grieving process.
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Concrete Tips for Dealing With Grief
Creating a Memory Box or Memory Bag is a powerful method to maintain a connection for children & youth that can be with them for
years.
Many LOSS Teams provide such a method!
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Concrete Tips for Dealing With Grief
Encouraging children & youth to participate in a peer group with others who have had sudden losses as well is a step towards healing by reinforcing the thought that they are not alone.
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Concrete Tips for Dealing With Children’s Grief
Remember children are also experiencing life.
They are not in a "getting ready" phase.
They are "living it."
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Concrete Tips for Dealing With Children’s Grief
Coping with the loss of a loved one can be one of the most difficult challenges adults and children will ever face.
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Concrete Tips for Dealing With Children’s Grief
To understand the grieving process and to be guided through the stages of grief by the loving gentle hands of a caring, compassionate adult empowers children and teens and helps them to cope with the process more effectively.
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Final Thoughts for Dealing With Children & Youth
Grief
Teaching our
children and youth
to cope with grief and loss provides them with important coping skills that will serve them well the rest of their lives.
Keeping a journal and developing Memory Boxes/Bags are simple, powerful tools for those facing difficult issues of the heart.
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Donald P. Belau, Ph.D.
Lincoln/Lancaster
LOSS Team
Clinical Director
donald.belau@doane.edu
402-759-0573