Neil sedaka understanding and supporting job corps students through relationship breakups Presenter information Helena Mackenzie PhD LP Region 5 Mental Health Specialist Objectives Describe how attachment theory helps explain the intense pain of breakups ID: 738833
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Slide1
“Breaking up is hard to do”~Neil sedaka
understanding and supporting job corps students through relationship breakupsSlide2
Presenter information:
Helena Mackenzie, PhD, LP
Region 5 Mental Health SpecialistSlide3
Objectives:
Describe how attachment theory helps explain the intense pain of breakups
Identify 2 mental health risks following a relationship breakup
List 3 natural grief responses following relationship loss
Identify 2 ways to best support students post breakup
List 3 reasons relationships may fail
List 2 signs of healthy and unhealthy relationships
Identify 2 suicide warning signsSlide4
Breakup songs
“
When you're gone, the pieces of my heart are
missin
'
you” (Avril
Lavigne
)
“I
hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited, but I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight
it. I
had hoped you'd see my face, and that you be reminded that for me it isn't
over” (Adele)
“Thought
I couldn't breathe without you, I'm
inhaling” (Destiny’s Child)
"It's been so lonely without you here / I'm like a bird without a song / Nothing can stop this lonely rain from falling / Tell me, baby, where did I go
wrong” (Prince)
"I wanted you to know / That I am ready to go,
heartbeat” (Childish Gambino)
"I'll have another you by tomorrow / So don't you ever for a second / Get to thinking you're
irreplaceable” (
Beyonce
)
"I should live in salt for leaving you behind,
behind” (The National)
"I know a man
ain't
supposed to cry / But these tears I can't hold inside /
Losin
' you would end my life you see /
'Cause
you mean that much to
me” (Marvin Gaye)Slide5
remember when…Recall one of your earliest relationship breakupsSlide6
Why is breaking up so painful?
Bowlby’s Attachment Theory
Attachment
is a
deep
and enduring emotional bond that connects one person to another across time and
space
…”
(
Bowlby
, 1969
)
Biological instinct for survival—seek closeness during times of discomfort or perceived threat. Slide7
Attachment styles:Mary Ainsworth’s Strange situation
Mary Ainsworth (1970s): Strange Situation
Secure attachment
(~55-60%): caregivers consistently available and responsive,
child feels
worthy of love, can rely on others, manage emotions, able to be soothed
Anxious-ambivalent attachment
(~20%): inconsistently available caretakers,
child fears
rejection,
seeks
reassurance, afraid to be apart, clinging behavior, difficulty being soothed
Anxious-avoidant(~20%): caregivers not available and responsive. Child has learned not to seek caregiver for soothing, doesn’t
show
distress, but feels it.
Disorganized (<5%): chaotic, abusive caregiver behaviors lead to child to feel confused and exhibit freezing, odd behaviors, need caregiver for protection but also afraid of them.
Attachment system triggered by perceived threat or distress…SeparationRejectionEmotional unavailabiliityAttachment style is based on relationship with caregiver and how child has learned to get attachment needs metSlide8
Attachment styles in adulthood Impact on romantic relationships
For older adolescents/young adults, an intimate partner often becomes a primary attachment figure
Early attachment style shapes later intimate relationship
style But, later relationships can alter the internal working model--not set in stone
Adults can hold different working models/attachment styles for different types of relationships (friend versus romantic partner)
Adult Attachment Styles
—Hazen and Shaver (1987) expanded Bowlby’s theory to adult romantic partners. Adult Attachment Interview by Mary Main and colleagues (1984)--
Secure:
(~55%) comfortable with self and partner, can balance intimacy and independence. Seek partner support when distressed and provide support when partner distressed
Anxious/preoccupied
(~20%): tend to be dependent, seek high levels of intimacy, approval, responsiveness, high level of emotional expressiveness, worries about relationship
Dismissive/avoidant:
(~23%) want independence, self-sufficient, suppress feelings, deal with conflict by withdrawing, distancing, view as not needing close relationships (but internal distress)
Fearful/avoidant
(~1-2%): mixed feelings, desire closeness but uncomfortable with emotional closeness, mistrust partner, low self-worth, suppress feelings
ADD PICTURESlide9
Breakup triggers attachment system: high alert
Adolescent/young adult breakups correlated with:
First episode of Major Depressive Disorder
Increased rate of suicide attempts
Self Injurious Behavior (SIB)
Increased rate of substance abuse
Increased anxiety
Insomnia
Anger/behavioral problemsSlide10
Grief: a normal emotional response to loss
Shock & Disbelief:
numbness, nauseous, out of body experience, may not “believe” loss to avoid pain
Denial:
refuse to accept relationship is over or can’t be fixed
Anger:
towards ex, the world, close friends and “supports.” May be expressed verbally, physical aggression, bullying, destroying things, dramatic behaviors, or passively through self-sacrificing acts, taking on martyr role. Slide11
Grief: a normal emotional response to loss
Bargaining:
Trying to win ex back—begging, promising to change, “if only I can figure out what went wrong and fix it, I’ll get them back!”
Depression, anxiety, guilt:
realize relationship is truly over despite efforts and feel sad, hopeless, helpless. Withdrawal, nothing feels fun. Anxious, poor sleep, afraid of future, restless.
Guilty that didn’t do more in relationship (back to bargaining
).Slide12
Grief: a normal emotional response to loss
Testing/Working Through
: Still feel sad, angry, but see more clearly again—begin to think about how to have normal life, look forward
Acceptance:
Find a way to let go and move on, accept and cope with relationship truly being over. Feel hope about future, can find happiness and peace. Can think/talk about person without incredible pain, angerSlide13
Physical impacts of ”heartbreak”
Psychological pain of breakup feels physical
Same brain regions that process physical pain light up when connecting to the psychological pain of break up
fMRI studies show insula, anterior cingulate cortex light up to hot probe in arm and same areas light up when shown pictures of ex-partner and recall shared experiences and pain around breakup
Physiological basis to “cravings” for ex-partner
fMRI studies show areas of brain associated with drug craving, areas associated with reward and motivation (specifically release of dopamine) light up when thinking of recent unwanted break up and love still feel for ex-partner
Metaphor of love as “addictive” and breaking up can feel like “drug withdrawal”
Difficulty thinking, focusing, cravings for contact, ruminationSlide14
Cognitive and social impacts of relationship loss
Rumination, obsessive thinking
Constant ”triggers”
Places went together
Activities shared (dining hall, class, gym)
Shared rituals
Shared friends
Social Impacts
Sense of social exclusion/loss of friends
Healthy choice to separate from shared friends may lead to less social supportSlide15
Positive impacts of breakups“Post traumatic growth”
Growth that occurs from “bouncing back” from traumatic experiences
Helping
adolescents/young adults understand breakups and breakup better leads to
…
Better ability to process grief
B
etter self-understanding
Healthier future relationshipsSlide16
IMMEDIATE post break up SUPPORT: what’s helpful/what’s not…
Validate Emotions:
“I know this is hard” or “I know it’s painful to lose someone you care about.”
DON’T
minimize feelings, even if it was brief relationship.
DON’T
say, “you’ll find someone better” or “you’re young, you’ll date so many more people.”
DON’T immediately judge the relationship (e.g. “it wasn’t a healthy relationship
…” “he was a jerk to you...”)
Be a Good Listener:
Allow student to express feelings, thoughts, confusion without interjecting your own opinions. Empathize with pain. Can share story of own heartache/healing to normalize (not minimize) pain.
Slide17
IMMEDIATE post break up SUPPORT: what’s helpful/what’s not…
Encourage no contact (or limited)
Don’t text, call, IM, make impulsive posts
Take social media break (FB, Instagram
…)
Ask friends NOT to update you on ex even though you want to know...
Ask friends for support in doing new things/away from ex
Treat desire to know as compulsion (think psychological addiction to your ex)
—
need ”withdrawal”
Encourage journaling/writing about feelings, thoughts, wants when urge arises to check on exSlide18
IMMEDIATE post break up SUPPORT: what’s helpful/what’s not…
Help Student Set Boundaries
Identify/role play concrete plan of what to do when see ex
Aim for
m
inimal interaction
Spend time with non-overlapping friends
Don’t bring up relationship issues
Don’t take bait if ex insults, belittles, tries to engage—role play assertive response
Ask friends for support—request friends DON’T add to dramaSlide19
IMMEDIATE post break up SUPPORT: what’s helpful/what’s not…
Help Student Build Support System
I
dentify supportive friends and spend time with them
Identify trusted staff support (RA, counselor, instructor, CMHC
…
)
Identify key staff members who can keep eye on student in case isolating
Encourage student NOT to jump into new romantic relationship
Encourage student to balance pain of talking about relationship with talking about other topics, supporting their friends, and doing fun thingsSlide20
IMMEDIATE post break up SUPPORT: develop heartache coping plan…
Establish routine/structure for downtime
Make list self-soothing activities (5 senses)
Vision
: Look at picture, look at nature, watch other students (not ex), watch
video/movie, study, read, do puzzle
Hearing:
listen to music, sing/hum song,
listen
meditation
Smell:
put on
lotion, smell soap/shampoo, coffee, tea
Taste:
drink s/t
you like, suck candy, chew gum
Touch: hug self/friend, stroke hand/arm, massage feet/neck, cuddle in chair, take showerPositive Activity List
Go for walk, jog
Watch movie
Listen to music
Relax in the sun
Talk with people you like (not about ex)
Read book, cartoons
Draw/doodle
Play sport, weightlift
S
ing
Do craft
Join club/team
Play cards, game, instrument
Dance, do yoga, move body
Look at happy photos
Do something new
Send card to someone love (not ex)
Surprise s/o with favor
Play videogame
Volunteer
Go on field trip/outing
Do puzzle, crossword
Play game on phone
And on and on and on
…Slide21
IMMEDIATE post break up SUPPORT: develop heartache coping plan…
Care for Physical Health:
Be aware of heartaches pull to escape into unhealthy behaviors (overeating, alcohol, drugs, “hook ups”)
Care for body
: eat well, exercise (join HEALs or physically active group)
Sleep:
sleep routine, refer CMHC for sleep hygiene tips if needed (see JC sleep hygiene presentation on HW website)Slide22
IMMEDIATE post break up SUPPORT: develop heartache coping plan…
Care for Mental State:
breaking up can impact self-esteem, create self-doubt and insecurity
Help student identify and celebrate their strengths: make list of strengths
Help student know NO ONE is perfect and how to honestly assess weaknesses and work on them
Daily gratitude:
every day write one thing that you’re thankful, grateful for
Expressive writing/journaling:
especially helpful to write about positive aspects of breakup
Help student understand breakups aren’t about something being WRONG with a person, they’re about a relationship not workingSlide23
Top reasons relationships fail among young adults
True or False
Different priorities:
Young people often have different priorities, expectations and goals and, over time, grow apart.
True or False
Commitment:
Young people who have had many different dating relationships as teens tend to be more ready for commitment. Slide24
Top reasons relationships fail among young adults
True or False
Communication:
teens/young adults who don’t
share what they want, or when they’re unhappy, tend to form stronger relationships that last longer.
True or False
Possessiveness
is a sign of love and a predictor of a strong, lasting relationship.Slide25
Top reasons relationships fail among young adults
True or False
Physical aggression
is rare in adolescent/young adult relationships
True or False
Incompatibility:
teen/young adult relationships often end because young people enter into relationships more quickly and may not realize the level of incompatibility in values, beliefs, styles until they’re already emotionally connected to someoneSlide26
In a nut shell: common reasons relationships fail among young adults
Different Priorities and Expectations/Goals/Wants
Lack of maturity (limited impulse control, limited experience with how to treat partner, limited emotional maturity, difficulty compromising, need to experience different relationships to mature, so forth)
Poor Communication
Difficulty with Trust
Incompatibility
Abuse—emotional, verbal, physical, sexual, bullyingSlide27
When to refer to Wellness/ cmhc…
Emotional Ups/Downs are NORMAL after a breakup
…
Support offered by counseling, residential, other staff doesn’t appear to be helping—student seems “stuck”
Student continues to withdraw from social network and staff
Student shows extreme mood swings/rage and isn’t responsive to support provided
Peers express concern to staff
Student shows SUICIDE WARNING SIGNS (see next slide)Slide28
Suicide warning signs:
Talking about wanting to die or to kill themselves
Looking for a way to kill themselves, like searching
online, hoarding medication, buying rope
Talking about feeling hopeless or having no reason to live
Talking about feeling trapped or in unbearable pain
Talking about being a burden to others
Increasing the use of alcohol or drugs
Acting anxious or agitated; behaving recklessly
Sleeping too little or too much
Withdrawing or isolating themselves
Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge
Extreme mood swingsIf worried about suicide, follow your center’s Symptomatic Management Guideline for Suicidal Behavior or Threats.
Don’t leave student alone!
If worried about student’s adjustment to relationship breakup, consult with the student’s counselor who can help make referral to CMHC.Slide29
Impact of attachment history on post break-up adjustment…
All of us struggle after important relationship ends. However, students with history of relationship loss (e.g. death of parent, neglect, history of abuse, foster home place, so forth) are at higher risk of having insecure attachment style and more distress/difficulty adjusting after loss
Students with items on SIF or health forms indicating early adverse life experiences may need more support/guidance post breakupSlide30
Prevention is key: teach about healthy relationships
ePRH
Chapter 3; 3.17 requires
students
receive education in health
education, which includes emotional and social wellbeing, relationships and much more.
Healthy
Relationship Education/Games:
H
ealthy
versus unhealthy relationship game (break into groups and identify)
Advertisement for friend, partner—identify qualities and write advertisementSlide31
Healthy relationship game:Healthy or unhealthy?Slide32
Healthy relationship game:Healthy or unhealthy?
Loves partner so much that wants to be with him/her at all times and doesn’t like doing things separately
Enjoys spending time apart with own friends or getting together with group of friendsSlide33
Healthy relationship game:Healthy or unhealthy?
Accepts responsibility for actions and apologizes when wrong and works at changing behavior
Uses alcohol and drugs as an excuse for behavior (“I didn’t mean to say that, I was drinking”)Slide34
Healthy relationship game:Healthy or unhealthy?
Gets jealous a lot and accuses partner of cheating (“it’s because I love you so much”)
Respects privacy—doesn’t look at your phone, emails, or journalSlide35
Healthy relationship game:Healthy or unhealthy?
Solves conflicts by talking things through in respectful manner—wants to hear your opinion/perspective even if disagrees
Solves conflicts by yelling, cursing, getting angry or threateningSlide36
Healthy relationship game:Healthy or unhealthy?
Feel guilty if you don’t have sex because you know your partner wants it and is upset
Talk openly about sex and don’t feel pressured to have itSlide37
Healthy relationship game:Write your own advertisementSlide38
Develop an advertisement for a friend or partner…
Break into small groups and identify list of qualities that would lead to a healthy friendship/intimate relationship
Normal that not all will agree on the same qualities—keep list of ones disagree on.
Write creative advertisement based on at least five agreed on qualities
Share advertisements and discuss why those qualities are important for healthy relationship and why it’s normal for people to also value different qualitiesSlide39
Thank you for participating!Questions? Comments? Follow up?Slide40
Resources
Brown, D., & Brown, S. (2016).
Every young adults breakup survival guide: Tips, tricks & expert advice
for
recovering
. Ocala, FL: Atlantic Publishing Group
.
Fisher, H. E., Brown, L. L., Aron, A., Strong, G., &
Mashek
, D. (2010). Reward, Addiction, and Emotion Regulation Systems Associated With Rejection in Love.
Journal of Neurophysiology,104
(1), 51-60. doi:10.1152/jn.00784.2009
Gordon, S. M. (2018). Surviving a First Breakup. New York, NY: Enslow Publishing Group.Healthy Relationships Resource Kit - Western Health. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://
westernhealth.nl.ca
/uploads/Addictions Prevention and Mental Health Promotion/Healthy Relationships Resource Kit -
Western.pdfKansky, J., & Allen, J. P. (2017). Making Sense and Moving On. Emerging Adulthood,6(3), 172-190. doi:10.1177/2167696817711766Kross, E., & Berman, M. (2011). Social rejection shares somatosensory representations with physical pain. Proc Natl'
Acad Sci USA,108(15), 6270-6275.Kübler-Ross, E., & Kessler, D. (2014). On grief & grieving: Finding the meaning of grief through the five stages of loss. New York: Scribner.Slide41
Resources
Lewandowski, G. (2009). Promoting positive emotions following relationship dissolution through writing.
The Journal of Positive Psychology,4
(1), 21-31.
Lynsen
. Ann. (2014, June 18). Suicide Prevention. Retrieved from https://
www.samhsa.gov
/suicide-prevention
Muise, A.,
Christofides
, E., &
Desmarais
, S. (2009). More Information than You Ever Wanted: Does Facebook Bring Out the Green-Eyed Monster of Jealousy? CyberPsychology & Behavior,12(4), 441-444. doi:10.1089/cpb.2008.0263Olson, J. S., & Crosnoe, R. (2017). Are You Still Bringing Me Down? Journal of Health and Social Behavior,58(1), 102-115. doi:10.1177/0022146516684536Price, M., Hides, L.,
Cockshaw
, W.,
Staneva, A., & Stoyanov, S. (2016). Young Love: Romantic Concerns and Associated Mental Health Issues among Adolescent Help-Seekers. Behavioral Sciences,6(2), 9. doi:10.3390/bs6020009Rhoades, G. K., Dush, C. M., Atkins, D. C., Stanley, S. M., & Markman
, H. J. (2011). Breaking up is hard to do: The impact of unmarried relationship dissolution on mental health and life satisfaction. Journal of Family Psychology,25(3), 366-374. doi:10.1037/a0023627