1 and the Family Sculpt Part 2 51 slides Creatively compiled by dr michael farnworth Discussion question Why does marriage often lose its intense romance and considerate love over the years ending in emotional isolation and resignation ID: 397229
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Slide1
Fantasy Bonds: Part 1 and the Family Sculpt: Part 2(51 slides)
Creatively compiled by dr. michael farnworthSlide2
Discussion questionWhy does marriage often lose its’ intense romance and considerate love over the years, ending in emotional isolation and resignation?Slide3
A fake relationshipA fantasy bond is a relationship “role play” based upon what we think we should do and feel.Slide4
Intimacy defined…Intimacy is the sharing of feelings...both positive and negative.Slide5
Tolerating intimacyIf children grow up in a family system where feelings are ignored, punished or suppressed then as adults they will find it hard to express their energies and to engage others while they are expressing theirs.Slide6Slide7Slide8
Fantasy bond symptoms in families.Ritualized affectionDishonest conversations
Lack of sharing true feelingsIdealization of parentsRole playingGuilt and shame for not being good enoughSlide9
Fantasy bond symptoms in marriage.Impersonal style of conversingFeelings of obligation and resentment
Decline in sexual interestLoss of playfulness and spontaneityDestructive communicationSlide10
Early symptoms of a fantasy bond.Lose interest in talkingLose interest in listening
Decrease in the amount of direct eye contactConversation becomes dishonest and impersonalLoss of independence‘We become enmeshedSlide11
Objectification of anotherA fantasy bond leads to an objectification of the other. A tendency to see and treat them as a
role instead of a real live person.This role is then frozen in time and even though the person changes, no allowances are made.Slide12
I and “thou” relationships
SUBJECT
OBJECT
SUBJECT
OBJECT
“Thou” is a beloved and different person.Slide13
I and “it” relationship
SUBJECT
OBJECT
SUBJECT
OBJECT
“It” is an objectified role of the person based upon how you want to see them.Slide14
Men and women who form destructive ties are usually unable to accept the fact that they have lost their feelings for each other. They are deeply ashamed that they no longer feel as attracted or as interested as they were. Unable to live with this truth, they try to cover up. They
begin to substitute form, routine and role determined behavior. -Robert FirestoneSlide15
The Fantasy Bond within the family
Leads to the curtailment of freedom of speech, because certain topics are forbidden. Any communication or conversation that threatens to disrupt the bond or interrupt the illusion of enduring love between parents or family members is not permitted.
The
family member must not show their pain or unhappiness, because this would betray the fantasy bond in the family.Slide16
When you are in love with someone...
Do you need to be told how to actloving???The loving behavior comes naturally and willingly, doesn’tit???
It is only after a fantasy bond
is created that we need to be told
how to treat each other
.Slide17
Fantasy bond in actionSpend 5 minutes a day thinking positive thoughts about her.Pay her a genuine compliment each day.
Do an act of service for her every day.Tell her “I love you” every day.Spend a few minutes each day really talking to her.Slide18
The fantasy bond paradoxMany couples cannot risk the threat of disturbing the fantasy bond between them.It would be too painful and dangerous
.But it may be the only hope they have of renewing an intimate relationship. The threat of destruction becomes their hope of restoration.Slide19
I’m pretending.She’s pretending I’m not
pretending.For now it’s workingout just fine.Slide20
Things to do...Learn small talkCreate rituals
Give up perfectionismForgiveStop trying to fix your partnerBe gentle with yourselfTouch others and let them touch youStop looking to your partner for happiness. Its within you.Slide21
Romance vs. fantasyThe expression of feelings to your partner in your own unique and original way.Please note: keeping the romance alive in a relationship is a universal problem.Slide22
Reality vs. fantasyLiving and loving in reality is not what one’s fantasy pictures love to be. Love is daily contact, friendliness, caring, companionship, hard work, honesty, pain, sadness, happiness, anxiety, and tenderness and occurs in a
non-dramatic way. That may not match your fantasy of unconditional love, but it is a real opportunity to fulfill your adult needs for love and sex. ---Robert Firestone Slide23
Part 2: The Family Sculpt…Yours, mine and everybody else's…Slide24
The ability to see with new eyes…There is a concept reflecting the true nature of our experience that suggests: “We don’t live in reality, we live in our habituated paradigms we call reality, but the true condition of our reality is invisible to us.”
The disturbing implication is that we don’t see things as they really are but as we have been conditioned to see them. Sculpting your family, will invite you to see with new eyes the nature and relationships of what you have imagined your family to be like.Slide25
“No problem can be solved from the same consciousness that created it. We must learn to see the world anew.” Albert EinsteinSlide26
Exploring the limitations…If you are going to work with families and ever understand them you will need to journey into the territory of your own family to accomplish that part of the mission.We are often blinded by our own peaceful slumber to the dynamics of dysfunctions in our own
families not seeing the forest for all the trees that are in the way.Your own blindness will severely limit you in your ability to understand and help families that are in pain, if you remain asleep to your own history and family of origin issues.Slide27
“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.” Anais
NinSlide28
The implication of this saying suggests that if we are asleep, in denial, ignorant of, unawares, unconscious, of our own histories then we will only see those things which are already consistent with the habituated reality we have been conditioned to live in. The journey to conscious living is the adventure that may open your eyes to see things anew.Slide29
Family SculptingA family sculpt is a visual- symbolic representation of family relationships, energies, powers and perceptions .The sculpt uses props, distance, postures, positions, expressions, sayings and the like, to illustrate family dynamics.Slide30
Sculpting as an art formIn art, the medium and images can help us see aspects and meanings of reality that could not be expressed in any other ways. Sculpting is a vehicle to express with people and position- relationships and realities that would be difficult to articulate in language
.Sculpting uses different parts of the brain and because it does so- can access different insights, energies and emotions. Slide31
The elements of sculpting:Props/materials used to express characteristics of family members…
Medications/addictions used by members…Actions/behaviors symbolic of members…Sayings
that capture the uniqueness/ themes of members..
.
Feelings/energies
that members carry
…
Secrets/shames
of family members
…
Roles/personas
of family members…Slide32
The dynamics of sculpting:Distance: illustrates closeness or separation of family members…
Height: indicates power/authority of various family members…Barriers: things that get in the way of relationships… addictions, hobbies, etc.Relationships: ropes, chains, ribbons, string to indicate enmeshment, abandonment and nature of
relating
Props
: any item that portrays the role, addictions, fears, secrets, problems, work, involvement, interest of the people involved.Slide33
Some prop examples…Briefcase… work-a-holismMirror… looking goodCredit cards… shopping/buying addictSword… hurtful and woundingJoke book… family comedianMoney… saving/spending addict
Sack over head… lost childTrophy… hero childCigarette/beer… rebel childGavel… judgmentalCookbook… food addictAirline throw-up sack… bulimicSack of pornography… shameful secretSlide34
Example of sayings…You will respect me!It’s ok, a lot of other people have it a lot worse.I’m such a geek.As long as you live in this house…See if you can stop me.Am I doing good enough?
What ever you say.I don’t care.You can depend on me! I’ll do it.Life is wonderful.Just think positive thoughtsYou’ll never amount to a thingWhere do come up with your ideas? You are weird.Slide35
Some childhood role examples…Hero childRebel child
Saint childSurrogate spouse childParent childMascot childBlack sheepPleaser childPeace maker childBaby of the familyLost childProblem child Slide36
Examples of addictions…Money: spending, saving, investingSex: pornography, fantasy, seductionFood: dieting, bulimia, anorexia
Religion: church attendance, service, readingThinking: intellectualismTelevision: videoMusic: listening, practicing Internet: chat rooms, e-mailLooking good: physically, socially, religiouslyControl: power, influence, positionRisk/adrenaline rushWorryCleaning/organizingExercise
Fantasy: romance, futureSlide37
To sculpt a family…First, focus on the individuals and the elements of the sculpt and develop each individual as much as you can, in relationship to the elements of the sculpt.Second, focus upon the dynamics of the sculpt in placing the family members in relationship to each other to illustrate their connections, powers, problems etc. to every other member.Slide38
The rough draft…Create a rough draft of the family sculpt by creative exploration of the elements and dynamics of each family member.Draw the ideas, list the concepts, play with the process. Be daring and creative.
Sleep on it and ponder the insights and ideas that will come to you.Do not be self critical and demeaning- give yourself slack and see what you can come up with. Slide39
Incubate the process…Incubate the ideas that come to you… give them time to settle.Imagine, explore, wonder, question, grieve, get angry, feel guilty, be afraid, feel the disloyalty, be sad
.Be courageous in inviting the energies to teach you about your experience in your family.Be respectful of your history and embrace what you can of it.Slide40
Your reality is unique…The reality that was yours growing up in your family is not shared by anyone else.Just because you grew up in the same family does not mean a thing
.Your unique history and personality is shared by no other in the universe.The question is: Will you be able to re-cover it?Slide41
Humberto Maturana, The Family Therapy Networker, p. 36; 9; 3.
“Systems theory first enabled us to recognize that all the different views presented by the different members of a family had some validity. But systems theory implied that there were different view of the same system. What I am saying is different.
I
am not saying that the different descriptions that the members of a family make are different views of the same system.
I
am saying that there is no one way which the system is; that there is no absolute objective family.
I
am saying that for each member there is a different family, and that each of these is absolutely valid.”Slide42
Its difficult and unsettling…Traditionally it may be difficult for some to think visually and symbolically about the nature of one’s own family, relationships and dysfunctions it is very common to struggle with the sculpt.It is also typically painful to see your family in a new and different light that may assault some of your previously held assumptions
.Conscious living is challenging so be patient and gentle with yourself in your evolution.Slide43
Good luck with your sculpt and have some fun with it.Slide44
‘Reflection, Who I Am’From the Disney Film: MulanSlide45
Look at me, I will never pass for a perfect bride.Or a perfect daughter.Can it be I'm not meant to play this part?Now I see that if I were truly to be myself,I would break my family's heart.Slide46
Who is that girl I seeStaring straight back at me.Why is my reflection someone I don't knowSomehow I cannot hide who I am, Though I've tried.When will my reflection show, Who I am inside.Slide47
When will my reflection showWho I am inside. Slide48
Look at me,You may think you seeWho I really am,But you'll never know me.Everyday, it's as if I playA part.Now I see,
If I wear a mask,I can fool the world,but I cannot fool my heart.Chorus:Who is that girl I see?Staring straight,Back at me.When will my reflection showWho I am inside?I am now,In a worldWhere I have to hide my heart,
and what I believe in.
But somehow,
I will show the world what's inside my heart,
And be loved for who I am.
Who is that girl I see,
staring straight
back at me?
Why is my reflection someone I don't know?Slide49
Must I pretend that I'msomeone elsefor all time.When will my reflection show,who I am inside?There's a heart that must be freeto flyThat burns with a need to know
the reason whyWhy must we all concealWhat we thinkHow we feel?Must there bea secret meI'm forced to hideI won't pretend that I'msomeone elsefor all time.When will my reflection showwho I am inside?
When will my reflection show
who I am inside?
oh, ooh yeahSlide50
the end