Sandra Tsing Loh - PDF document

Sandra Tsing Loh’s Guide to the Los Angeles Unified School District Page 2 nately, he and his wife are independently wealthy,their six year-olds can go to a hilltop school sansOnce you attempt to pierce The Borg, its leatheryhide may prove surprisingly tough. People man-ning LAUSD phones lack a sharp charisma. Whenasked if a school gives parent tours, front officestaffers may look up from their typewriters andoffering parents things no parent in his right mindinvited to fill out 20-part surveys, to form inter-same principles as, well. . . as democracy. And weto an city council meeting where EVERYONE getsAccordingly, one of LA Unified’s most basicmandates is "equity and access." This meansSpanish, Tagalog, Armenian, and Farsi. It meansonline as WELL as at schools and libraries, be-parents without computer access, parents withoutparents without computer access, parents withoutsound]"), or parents without, well, frickin’. . .FINGERS TO TYPE.NOT to be helped. You can’t say you’re AGAINSTdemocracy.And it also means the LAUSD owes YOUR kids aLet’s see what they’ve got!3. CONVENTIONAL WISDOM: Amay fly in the face of Conventional Wisdom. Or asThe CW has always been when one’s childrenmove AWAY from the hellhole they’re living in andINTO a good school district. This is, traditionally,. ? Righ--?Fast forward to 21st century Los Angeles.series of traumatic Kubler-Ross stages.The first Kubler-Ross stage is DENIAL, aka:two-bedroom, pergo-splattered faux Cape CodBut no. According to The CW, there are only three Sandra Tsing Loh’s Guide to the Los Angeles Unified School District Page 3 good public schools districts in Los Angeles. . . andCalabasas (Las Virgenes school district)1) Because they are considered the BEST. Bywhom? For one, education’s most listened-toexperts: realtors. Realtors can also divulge whichare the WORST school districts, but you have toparse their secret realtor "code." Once at an openthe realtor whispered: "We’re told never to use thewords Glendale and Armenians in the same sen-2) These school districts are considered the BEST"How do these Los Angeles schools’ scores com-Okay friends, it’s time to move into our nextKubler-Ross stage. . . what is that second stage, oh4. FIRST WEB BREAK-OUT EXERCISE: HOWDO I FIND OUT WHAT MY LOCAL LAUSD& Jerry’s or icy vodka or similar. I have just pre-dip your face into the water, I’m going to send you lausd.net (official website of the LAUSD)journey, Frodo, please accept these magical totemsI’m offering you:Frequently Asked QuestionsFAQ’sValley, District 1712-Aoffice via:school name. Yes? Finally? Good. We are nowready for our. . .5. SECOND WEB BREAK-OUT EXERCISE:WHAT ARE MY SCHOOL’S TEST SCORES--AND WHO IS TO BLAME?Wonderland (insert appropriate Baby Gap-infused Sandra Tsing Loh’s Guide to the Los Angeles Unified School District Page 4 No, let’s say YOUR home LAUSD school has aWhich is to say, like so many LAUSD schools, itsmoldering Ecuadorian melon. And no one youOn Guavatorina, there is a definite lack of CW.To gain more information about Guavatorina, youthe sort of LAUSD parent lucky enough to HAVEshoes) and physically VISIT the school.MIDDLE-CLASS PARENT’S first instinct is toThis indispensable website lists a wealth of infor-ing their API’s (Academic Performance Indexes).(In California, API’s range from 0 to 1000, 800+Unless your marriage is one that, quite frankly, isgoing just a bit TOO smoothly, let The Guide savethe LA Times Real Estate section flutter upsettinglyTo cut to the chase, here is a wildly useful calcula-tion I believe you’ll find unique to The Guide.1 API point = $1000 worth of real estateSo in Los Angeles, a three-bedroom home whoselocal school has a ("baseline acceptable") 800 APIwhy some wags call the API the "Affluent Parent$800,000 home, your local school’s API is likely tohow can our LAUSD school’s API score be soOnce again, point your browser. Like a chattyneighbor who can’t be stopped, greatschools.netyou exactly what percentage of your school’smany of their parents didn’t graduate high schoolhow low these students’ API scores are. (You’llwan little tenement of stank API).Causing one to ejaculate aloud at one’s computer:"By George, THAT’S the problem. . . THETypically, middle-class parents now move into thethird Kubler-Ross stage, BARGAINING, otherwise"Thousand Oaks is not REALLY quite as far asthey say."out that if you buy a home in Thousand Oaks, yousame API in South Pasadena--knuckled freeway driving (even on that far-flung118 everyone swears by) (five minutes on the 118equaling 15 on the 405), you’ll bag 10 API points-- Sandra Tsing Loh’s Guide to the Los Angeles Unified School District Page 5 one API point per minute. But that’s with notraffic. One big rig turns over and there you sit,hyperventilating, heart pounding. . . LITERALLYbankruptcy. . . that is where the CW gets you, inAlternately, some middle-class families throw upBut for today, let’s dispense with the CW and startopening boxes. At IKEA, the mystery boxes wouldhave names like "Lol," "Varknedink," andOn the upside, the Los Angeles Unified SchoolIf only Albert Camus were an L.A. parent! Howexistential are our dilemmas! What haunting workhis own creation. All his FRIENDS’ LAUSDsolved forever). Cruelly, Mersault’s home LAUSD(flugelhorn of alarm) Guavatorina Elementary.intensify his suffering), it seems further proof thatEVERY DECISION HE HAS MADE IN HISADULT LIFE has been a mistake. (He remembers"Oh no--let’s buy a house on the WEST side of thestreet. Such pretty, pretty cactus!" Quel idiot!).Alternately, let’s say while trollingwith better API’s (The Ring).Or finally, let’s say Mersault identifies a specificMersault’s plight, that man is alone. But for mypeople, the Chinese, who love a bargain (not tomention a wee bit o’ gambling), crisis is simply. . .students), any child is eligible to apply. Schoolsby March/April (you call them). Students arepicked from the waiting list by lottery."OPEN ENROLLMENT" ADVANTAGES: "OPEN ENROLLMENT" DISADVANTAGES: Asdevouring horse’s head in Volker Schlondorff’s TheTin Drum.To get you Base Camp One of the Everest ofUnderstanding, let me proffer another tale. This Sandra Tsing Loh’s Guide to the Los Angeles Unified School District Page 6 The Country Mice and The City Micefind themselves living in Van Nuys (very poor, veryHispanic). They were told they had to move out ofThis CW was offered by their friends The CityOaks (more affluent, more white, with a Jambacation ("Choices") in December, which basicallypoints. (Actually 8: our LAUSD school Van NuysPHBAO--Predominately Hispanic, Black, Asian, orSo our five year-old went right into a kick-ass VanNuys magnet school where starting from kindergar-and frickin’ maskwork. They went to see plays soWhat’s ironic is I would have killed to get intoSherman Oaks Elementary (800-plus API) but thatyear, unusually, they didn’t have open enrollmentdue to our extraordinarily desirable Van Nuysbarrio address, our two kids are set ‘til 18. (Thebeing a sibling, bringing her total to 11.)Which is to say, in contradiction to the CW, theVan Nuys  North Hollywood  Highland"MAGNET SCHOOL" ADVANTAGES: It’s literallyPS: The next layer of LAUSD complexity includesPermits With Transportation (PWT’s), Gifted andTalented programs (which require evaluations), andSAS (School of Advanced Studies) programs(which do not). You can also accrue Waiting ListPoints (4 per year, 12 max) regardless of WHEREStill confused? Look for "Martinis and Magnets,"Mellor and myself throw annually. We’ll post the"MAGNET SCHOOL" DISADVANTAGES: L.A. phenomenon known as Magnet School Envy.Unbelievably, your wealthier parent friends willdwell in too affluent and white an enclave (thereare no magnet points in Brentwood) to draw ANY Sandra Tsing Loh’s Guide to the Los Angeles Unified School District Page 7 magnetage whatsoever. (In Van Nuys, our streetmade me sad." When we brunch—which I preferto do on his side of town because it is, frankly,1000 degrees cooler--recently I’ve noticed him"Of course, unlike some, we couldn’t get our twinsINTO some MAGNET school," he’ll observe,while tearing off a huge hank of one of those"The grass would make him sad" if there WEREany. Our magnet school’s sprinklers haven’tdoing their DRAMA. And their maskwork.Then there is my PDSF’s concept of diversityindependent school among the foliage they honor.To judge by the student population there, L.A.Glover. 10 white kids and 5 brown kids is "urban,"It’s an interesting conundrum, as in LA County,We pay nothing for what we consider is an excel-lent school, but it’s true that in my daughter’skindergarten class of 22, she was the only blonde.aware of it. Which makes sense to me: When Iher to private school at $15,000 a year, would thethere be...15 blonds? What is that--$1,000 perblonde? What if I DRIVE fast?)I’m not saying it’s not a Brave New World beingbasic Birthday Party know-how. They got nochops. While it may be a relief not to have to trek(Aiiiee!!! [clicking sound]).To alleviate this problem, it makes me wonder ifwe should start, in Los Angeles, a Middle-ClassBirthday Party League. All our middle-class kidsup ‘em on line like some kind of Moveon.org thing.party, Ralphs cake OK, and you can continuallyof Re-Gifting. Think of the possibilities, people!Let’s get creative!I admit I am a traditionalist. Even in kindergarten,homework is okay. Even at home, in reward for Sandra Tsing Loh’s Guide to the Los Angeles Unified School District Page 8 straight the difference between a short day, mini-mum day, reduced day, and what I’ve come to thinkof as Tuesday lite--kind of a low-fat, low-carbTuesday where school starts at 8:47 and ends at11:23.)the parents who say they have a PASSIONATEAVERSION to Open Court. These parents don’twant a "one size fits all." They long for an educa-little sleepy, and like I want to lie down with asmall yoga pillow. What I think what it means isthat instead of Math, English and Art, you might dowhales. You draw the whales, you count theexternal clock but when you are ready. So as aresult, there might children of many different agesA HUMANISTIC education may, in addition, teachPEACEFUL CONFLICT RESOLUTION. One cangrades, TRADITIONAL conflict resolution in-charterassociation.orgfor the progressive charter school near you. It’sADVANTAGES: Passionate, enthusiastic parentsputting out 110% to build a dream.DISADVANTAGES: parents putting out 110% to build a dream.differing notions, including a quote actuallyattributed to Walter Pater.)curricular freedom. On the downside, the childrenand even the school’s very building.Yes? Is this a moment of self-recognition for you?siren call? (Organic vegetable garden, AliceWaters, Chez Panisse. . . Chez Panisse. . . )I don’t want to ruin your life or your marriage butyes, if you were sufficiently made, you could even.PS: The other main "flavor" of charter schools arethose started in poor, urban, minority areas to usepound gorilla is The Green Dot Schools at. . .greendot.orgFinally, there are the middle-class (and evenaffluent) parents who JUST SAY NO. . . to the Sandra Tsing Loh’s Guide to the Los Angeles Unified School District Page 9 Stone SoupGuavatorina Elementary. They’d never been to thechain-smoking French dad whom everyonereferred to as "The Stranger."Year after year, every morning at 7 a.m., the twomothers watched 15 different Range Rovers roarout the block to ferry children to 15 differentindependent schools in 15 different parts of town.So one day, the two mothers put on their shoes,quite startled by a principal and entire staff scream-ing, in unison: "Oh my god! You came!"charter school. However, after talking to the humanAround this time, the moms also heard of L.A.’stheir local public schools. So Los Angeles willperhaps not ALWAYS be a City of Two Nations.Parents Achieving Results Together (PART),Westchesterplanting water-resistant foliage and an organicteaching garden. They did this by the book,Official LAUSD plant list.The Tree People (who help green L.A. publicThey figured out how to bring in an orchestra’sMr. Holland’s OpusWonder of ReadingTo the mom’s surprise, it turned out Guavatorinaongoing 10 year arts prototype program.) And theyHall, and the like. Which none of the neighborsbirthday parties which incorporated ALL cultures.featured a magician, piñata, belly dancers, AND aAnd when the neighbors saw the organic arugula,on their lawns just chillin’. . .Much as in the tale "Stone Soup," everyone pulledakin to eels devouring that horse’s head in Volker Sandra Tsing Loh’s Guide to the Los Angeles Unified School District Page 10 Schlondorff’s The Tin Drum and within threeyears, no one could get in. (True L.A. story.)And then came the realtors. . . Story for anotherday.Or to simply to sit in a tree, stare at the sky, andpick one’s nose, which. . . have you noticed? So Sandra Tsing Loh’s Guide to the Los Angeles Unified School District Page 1 Greetings, Hysterical Los Angeles Parent! Wel-the Los Angeles Unified School District (LAUSD).sort of underground LAUSD Wikipedia-ish thing.Los Angeles, I felt utterly lost. Simply put, L.A.Poor. Those east of the 405 (The Poor) sent theirRich) sent their kids to private school. (Actually,schooling. But $20,000 (plus fees) for kindergar-ten? What the--?Accordingly, somewhere round 2003, my husbandremaining members of L.A.’ Middle Class. Wedutifully began packing our dented Toyota mini-Completely below the media radar, it appeared that Sandra Tsing Loh’sSCANDALOUSLY INFORMAL GUIDETO THE LOS ANGELES UNIFIED SCHOOL DISTRICT -Harvard, Yale, Stanford, UC Berkeley (and all theother UC’s, which are now super-hard to get into)!had paid no money.How had they done it? This Guide will show you.2. WELCOME, COSTCO SHOPPERS!tomatoes and, oh my God. . . Yo Yo Ma. What isYO YO MA doing here?Alternately, the LAUSD is like IKEA. Some boxesIKEA because it’s ALL TOO OVERWHELMING. .Let us talk frankly, too, about the physical exteriorof public schools. Let’s talk aesthetics.LAUSD elementary. For him, it was the sheerinstitutional look of the place: the chainlink fence,