February 14 2014 The Heart amp Soul of Aging Well hosted by Grand Valley State University Joan Borst PhD LMSW Associate Professor School of Social Work Grand Valley State University ID: 668013
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9th Annual Art & Science of Aging Conference February 14, 2014The Heart & Soul of Aging Well hosted by Grand Valley State University
Joan Borst, Ph.D., LMSW
Associate Professor, School of Social Work
Grand Valley State UniversitySlide2
Adult Orphans: when parents dieSlide3
DISCLAIMERWe all have unique relationships with parentsNot all parents are loving and kindSome of us are orphans after 1 parental deathNone of us will experience this developmental stage in the same waySome of us can say good-bye, some will not have that opportunitySlide4
Video clipWorst thing that could happenI get my strength from youTelling the storiesRipping up the carpetTelling the storiesRemarriage2nd parent diesWho were these people?Who am I without them?
Self-disclosureSlide5
New York Times: On becoming an “orphan”. by Paula Span (July 1, 2013).We may think of Charles Dickens descriptions of London homeless childrenAloneWhat is an orphan? Slide6
Longer lifespans means we remain children of living parents longer When we are no longer able to connect with a patriarch or matriarch, you are the oldest generationMay consider your own mortality more oftenMay visit “home” less oftenSlide7
SadnessGrief LossShockWho were these people?LonelinessSome responses to parental deathsSlide8
Heightened sense of mortalityDeath of parents “setting us free”Comfort by “treasures”Repositories of memoryMember of the “oldest” generation: Who am I now?Family and partner relationships may changeMore?Responses con’tSlide9
Disenfranchized grief How old were they? – if they lived a long life the grief may be disqualifiedSomewhat embarrassed by feelings of childishness and feeling needyCarry on with life while avalanche of emotions churns insideBrooks, J. (1999). Midlife orphan: Facing life’s changes now that your parents are gone
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GriefSlide10
May not fully grief the 1st parent because they are preoccupied with the surviving parentSecond parent’s death plunges us into what can feel like a bottomless pit of emotionWe may struggle with grief that had not previously been fully acknowledgedSlide11
The only ones who hold certain memories of you as a childParental death in midlife elicits lingering feelings of loneliness, memories of former losses, unresolved conflicts and doubts concerning life’s purposeRepository of memoriesSlide12
May hear stories about them from others at funerals and memorialsMay find clues about the person your parent was in their other rolesLearning more about themSlide13
Relationships within the family changeSome traditions may endNew ways of communication may beginMay be disputes that were never fully exposed until parental deathsEach sibling has a unique relationshipPartner relationships can changeFamily relationshipsSlide14
Death ends a life, but it does not end a relationship.Variations are endless.Fantasies are powerful.