Shame on me, shame on you - PowerPoint Presentation

Slide1

Shame on me,shame on you

Michele AluochCopyright 2018Slide2

Defining Shame

Subjective emotionLinked to perception of identityNarrowly focusedAutomatic emotional reactionHabitualLoss of context

Paralysis, feeling immobilized

Desperate behaviorSlide3

Defining Shame

Inner perception of inadequacyBelief that one is inherently flawed and imperfectA premise that it is impossible for someone to love me as defective as I am.A belief that if I feel less than who I should be and I don’t measure up than others must think so tooSelf conscious emotion

Emotions which requires self awareness (includes shame)

Negative, global stable and controllable erroneous attributesSlide4

Defining ShameFear of disrepute

Concerning something one is ashamed ofKeeping things secretNecessitates a cover upUnstable trust and securityA sense of disappointment in oneselfPromotes becoming a false selfSlide5

What All Shame Based Relationships Have in Common

Control and chaosMysterious happenings- how did we get here to this point?Verbal comments related to hopeless helpless feelingsNonverbal postures of giving up- averted gaze, slumped over, shrugged shoulders etc.Lack of resolution

Resentment

Ambiguity, no clear rules

Unspoken guidelines

Game playing or passive underlying threads to be figured outSlide6

Curse Full RelationshipsVanVonderen, J., 1992, p.27

C- Controlling

U

- Unforgiving

R

- Reactive

S

- Shaming

E

- Ego-Driven

Controlling

- My self esteem is based on what you do or don’t do for me.

Unforgiving

- Through Not forgiving I can maintain the upper hand, holding onto punishment and resentment.

Reactive

- I cannot choose how I respond to you because you “make” me act a certain way and I have excuses for my reactions.

Shaming

- I can play God and it is my responsibility to pace myself above others. If you’d only do the right things, I’ll be happy.

Ego Driven

- I want things to happen a certain way so others can think well of me.Slide7

TIREDVanVonderen, J., 1992, p.33

Trapped- No win situation, never good enough

Indicted

- Reminded of one’s inadequacies

Responsibility

- the weight of the world is on my shoulders

Exposed

- Scrutinizing every behavior

Defensive

- If only thinkingSlide8

E

mpty people cannot fill other empty people. T

hey merely look as though they can fill empty people

.Slide9

Shame Versus Guilt

Shame

Guilt

Visual

Auditory

Perception

Behaviors, evidence

Hiding, concealment

Confession, atonement

Split self identity

Action

Failure to meet expectations

Interpersonal transgression Slide10

Results of Shame

FearBlamePerfectionismRejectionCriticismEmbarrassmentGuilt

Fear of disconnection

HelplessnessSlide11

Behaviors which Result from Shame

Difficulty falling and staying asleep or sleeping too muchControlled eating (anorexia, purging, extreme calorie counting) or binging r overeatingDistrust, suspicion, withdrawal or poor impulse control and indiscriminant relationshipsReserved, extreme legalistic behaviors or compulsions or addiction, indulgence, entitlement

Physical, sexual, emotional abuses

Hoarding, extreme thriftiness, overspending

Affairs, pornography, compulsive masturbation, sexual disorders

Depression, anxiety and mood dysregulation

Pushing everyone away or pulling people overly closeSlide12

Shame Linked To PerceptionAll about attention- what we want to perceiveSlide13
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A Parable: The prisoner in the dark Cave (Bradshaw, J., 1988, 150-151)

There was once a man who was sentenced to ide. He was blindfolded and put in a pitch black cave. The cave was one hundred yards aby one hundred yards. He was told there was a way out of the cave, and if he could find it, he was a free man.After a rock was secured at the entrance to the cave, the prisoner was allowed to take the blindfold off and roam freely in the darkness. He was to be fed only bread and water for the first thirty days and nothing thereafter. The bread and water were lowered from a small hole in the roof at the south end of the cave. The ceiling was about eighteen feet high. The opening was about one foot in diameter. The prisoner could see a fat light up above, but no light came into the cave.Slide18

A Parable: The prisoner in the dark CaveAs the prisoner roamed and crawled around the cave, he bumped into rocks. Some were rather large. He thought that if he could build a mound of rocks and dirt that was high enough, he could reach the opening and enlarge it enough to crawl through and escape. Since he was five feet, nine inches and his reach was another two feet, the mound had to be at least ten feet high.

So the prisoner spent his waking hours picking up rocks and digging up dirt. At the end of two weeks, he had built a mound of about six feet. He thought that if he could duplicate that in the next two weeks, he could make it before his food ran out. But as he already used most of the rocks in the cave, he had to dig harder and harder. He had to do the digging with his bare hands. After a month had passed, the mound was nine and one half feet high and he could almost reach the opening if he jumped. He was almost exhausted and extremely weak.Slide19

A Parable: The prisoner in the dark CaveOne day, just as he thought he could reach the opening, he fell. He was simply too weak to get up, and in two days he died. His captors came up to get his body. They rolled away the huge rock that covered the entrance. As the light flooded into the cave, it illuminated an opening in the all of the cave about three feet in circumference.

It was the opening to a tunnel that led to the other side of the mountain. This was the passage to freedom the prisoner had been told about. It was in the south wall, directly under the opening in the ceiling. All the prisoner would have to do was crawl about two hundred feet and he would have found freedom. He had so completely focused on the light that it never occurred to him to look for freedom in the

darkess

. Liberation was there all the time, right next to the mound he was building, but it was in darkness.Slide20

Fear

To be alive againTo live to the fullestNot so much what has happened already but more what could happen if life was differentNot good enough- rejection, lack of acceptance

Falling short

Not making others happySlide21

What are you eating?

Others opinions- constant tryingMental preoccupationStruggle- self goals (hope) vs. people pleasing

“If you eat all their emotional garbage, it becomes your emotional garbage. But if you do not take it personally, you are immune in the middle of hell.”

(p. 49, Ruiz, D.M.)Slide22

Nathason’s Compass of Shame Model

Scripts- sets of ordering rules for the interpretation, evaluation, prediction, production or control of scenesSelf directed anger, contempt or disgust

Awareness of one’s faults

Withdrawal from relationshipsSlide23

Compass of Shame beliefsActivities makes me feel inferior.

In cooperative situations I make comparisonsI doubt myself and feel insecure.I don’t feel good about myself.I feel embarrassed in public.I feel lonely or let out.

I think others think badly of me.

I hate disappointing other people.

I can’t handle being rejected by someone.

I don’t like when other people see my faults.

I feel humiliated.

I feel guilty.Slide24

What are You Feeding On?

“Before we can make deep changes in our lives, we have to look into our diet, our way on consuming. We have to live in such a way that we stop consuming the things that poison and intoxicate us. Then, we will have the strength to allow the best in us to arise, and we will no longer be victims of anger, of frustration.”(Hanh, T., N, 2004)Slide25

Take nothing personallyBrings freedom

Consideration of other options and explanationsApplication of cognitive debating strategiesA guarded heartInner contentment that is not determined by people and circumstancesIs what you’re doing working?

Where will you be in 1 month? 6 months? 1 year/years from now if you continue?Slide26

Why are you doing this (behavior)?

Stress

Freedom

Desired outcome

Internal personalized goals

Approval

Agency and pathways

Achievement

Behavior driven

Rewards

InternalSlide27

MessagesI’m hopelessly flawed.

I didn’t measure up.I will never be accepted, wanted, needed just as I am.I’m a failure.I am a mistake.I’m alone.I’ll never be loved and accepted as I am.

I’m only okay if I think, say or do _____.

Only perfect relationships matter.Slide28

Family of Origin MessagesBe good, right, strong, and perfect.

Shut up and don’t speak.Don’t rock the boat.Don’t share your opinions.Be numb.Be careful.Be blind to mixed expectations.

What matters most is everyone else- not you.Slide29

Family Rules of Shame Based Systems

Be in control at all time of all behaviorThink in terms of if only ____, then _______.Deny feelings, especially unpleasant ones.Don’t even try to figure out the environment around you because it will change.Expect unreliability and change.

Don’t think.

Don’t feel.

Don’t be who you are- be good, right, strong and perfect.Slide30

Poisonous Messages of Childhood(Bradshaw, J., 1988, p. 63-64)

Adults are the masters of the dependent child.They determine in godlike fashion wat is right and what is wrong.The child is held responsible for their parents’ anger.

The parents must always be shielded.

The child’s life affirming feelings pose a threat to the parent.

The child’s will must be “broken” a soon as possible.

All this must happen at a very early age so that the child “won’t notice” and will therefore not be able to expose the adult.Slide31

The “Good’ Child (Brown, B., 2012, p. 52-53):

Never inconveniences parentsNever embarrasses or disappoints parentsNever has personal needsKnows how to do everything correctly without being taught

Never has a critical or separate thought

Never loses (except when competing with a parent)

Never gets less than an A for any reason

Thrives on instability chaos and pain

Does everything parents ask joyfully, instantly, and perfectly

Never remembers anything but the happy times

Emotions are unnecessary burdensSlide32

Shame Is Part of Early Learning as a Toddler

Hangs headAvoids eyes contactStop smilingStops all activityRage against other who humiliated them

Lack of empathy for others

Fear of accepting help

Discomfort asking questions

Anxious about therapy

Straightforward, direct communication is difficult

Fear of new skills produces failure

Lies, excuses, distortions- indirectSlide33

other Side Effects of Shame: Thought Addiction

Mental preoccupationIf the other person place or thing only would ____, then I could _____...Trying to sort through painful emotions

An attempt to avoid feelings associated with shame

Slide34

Cognitive Behavioral CycleUsing proven REBT- Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (Albert Ellis) but incorporating client belief systems and spiritual worldview

Compared to baselineSlide35

Cognitive Behavioral PrinciplesEarly life experiencesMaintained throughout time

Maintained by behaviors that may not be usefulMaintained by looking for thoughts and behaviors that keep the cycle goingSlide36

Developing Healthy Self Care

Use cognitive debating strategies to challenge false beliefs that it is not okay to take care of yourself:Is this a fact?Who says? According to whom? Why is what that person says so important/the “truth?”

Is there any other way of thinking about this?

How is thinking about things this way helping me?

If this thought or behavior is not helping and is not life building, encouraging, and promoting my healing how can I continue to tell myself this?)

Is there anything to be gained by blaming, fault finding?Slide37

Developing Healthy Self Care

Change focus from “why?” to “what?” and “how?”Promote goal setting.Use camera check to address what was happening in the past, what you used to do prior to the loss? (doing things without “feeling” them).

Guard against all or nothing approaches in your doing and being.

Allow yourself to verbalize your needs to others who can help. Remember that “grief bursts” are normal.

Develop accountability for self care habits: eating and sleeping regularly, exercise, doing things you enjoy without false guiltSlide38

Cognitive Behavioral Strategies

ShouldsIf only ___, then ___.

Have

tos

Absolutes: good/bad

Right/wrong

Success/failure

Teach the cycle of feelings, thoughts/beliefs, intensified feelings, missed goals, and toxic behaviors.

Help the client identify his/her irrational misbeliefs.

Teach cognitive debating strategies.

Develop specific healthy renewed thoughts/beliefs and behaviors which will indirectly assist with overcoming feelings of defeat, lack of control, etc.Slide39

Cognitive Behavioral PrinciplesContinuing to elicit negative thoughts and record more helpful ways of thinking about situations, self and others to influence emotion positively.

Reviewing thoughts, particularly expectations for self and ‘shoulds’ rather than ‘wants’.Identifying rules for living and examining their helpfulness.

Identifying unhelpful thinking styles that lower mood. Encouraging the client to analyze thoughts and then step back from them.

Reviewing alternative explanations for negative automatic thoughts.

Conducting behavioral experiments to help increase believability of alternative thoughts.

Listing goals with an emphasis on own needs and expectations.Slide40

Thinking Error Types1)

Awfulizing/Catastrophizing- Predicting only negative outcomes for the future: “ ____ is awful, terrible, catastrophic or as bad as it could possibly be”, “If ___ happens my life is over.”2)

Disqualifying/Discounting

- Overlooking the positive and only seeing the negative, believing that good things don’t count: “I am sure even when my family complimented me they had to because they are my relatives. They had to be nice.”

3)

All or nothing

- Viewing the situation on one end of extremes: “If my boss corrects me I must be the worst employee”, “If my child does something wrong I failed as a parent”, “If I didn’t pass one exam I am an unsuccessful student.”

4

Low Frustration Tolerance

- Belief that things should not be inconvenient: “I can’t stand _____” ; “_____ is too much and is intolerable or unbearable.”Slide41

Thinking Error Types5)

Self Downing- Self deprecating thoughts: “I am no good, worthless, useless, and utter failure, beyond hope or help, devoid of value.”6) Other downing- Derogatory beliefs about others: “You are no good, worthless, useless, an utter failure, beyond hope, of no value.”

7)

Emotional reasoning

- Letting emotions totally overrule facts to the contrary: “I feel as if everyone is talking about me.”

8)

Labeling

- Giving a label or stereotype without testing beliefs out:” All of them are like that.”

9)

Mind reading

- Trying to predict things based on limited aspects of a situation: “ I know they will think I’m poor because I can’t afford the latest clothes.”Slide42

Thinking Error Types10) Overgeneralization

- Making broad conclusions about an event based on limited information: “My husband doesn’t love me because he is always busy when I am around.”11) Personalization- Assuming that others behaviors are all about you: “My wife is quiet. Something must be on her mind.”

12)

Shoulds

/musts- Having an absolute concrete standard about how things ought to be: “ Successful people in life only get As in school.”Slide43

Anxiety Versus Depression- Self Statements(Safren,

Heimberg, Lerner, Henin, Warman, Kendall, 2000)

Inability to cope

I can’t take it anymore.

I can’t stand it.

I wish I could escape.

I don’t want to feel this way.

I cant cope.

I can’t get through this

Something has to change.

Uncertainty About the Future

How will I handle myself?

Can I overcome the uncertainties?

What will happen to me?

Will I make it?

Can I make it?

Am I going to make it?

What am I going to do with my life?

I want to fight back but I’m afraid to do so.Slide44

Anxiety Versus Depression- Self Statements(Safren,

Heimberg, Lerner, Henin, Warman, Kendall, 2000)

I don’t feel good.

I don’t feel very happy.

I am not safe warm, comfortable.

I am not sure that I can accomplish this.

I don’t feel so good about myself/my life.

I hate myself.

I feel like a loser.

I’m worthless/a failure.

Something is wrong with me.

No one understands me.

I don’t think I can go on.

I wish I could die.

I’m against the world.

I can’t get started.

I’ll never make it.

I’m no good.Slide45

WATCH WHERE YOU PUT YOUR BUTS:Unpleasant feelings BUT Positive self statement,

Concerns Strengths based commentWorriesIrrational thoughtsQuestions/DoubtsSlide46

Keys in Cognitive- Behavioral Counseling

Identifying and challenging attributions and assumptive meaningsDifferentiating and letting go of toxic and immobilizing feelings and devaluing the loved oneModulating loss and other daily activities

Identifying themes governing that individual’s loss

Setting goals to promote ongoing health

Slide47

Cognitive Debating StrategiesIs this a fact/strong opinion?What evidence is there for this? Any evidence against this?

Alternative explanations that are more reasonable/possible?Is there another way of feeling or thinking?What would someone else make of this situation?What advice would I give someone else?

Is this a type of unhelpful thinking habits?

Is this an automatic thought?Slide48

Cognitive Debating StrategiesWhat am I actually reacting to?

Am I getting anything out of proportion?What harm has actually been done?Am I overestimating the bad? The danger?Am I underestimating my ability to cope?Am I going to a negative automatic place?

How is pressuring myself or others helping me get through this?

Just because I feel bad is it really bad?

Are things really totally black or white- as clear cut as I am making them?

Can there be more than one solution to this problem?Slide49

Cognitive Debating StrategiesIs believing this life giving or death producing?

How important is this really?How will things be in 1 week? 1 month? 6 months? 1 year? If I continue thinking or behaving this way?What would happen if I tried to see this situation as an outside observer? How would things look? Would things have a different meaning?What is the bigger picture?Slide50

Changing Distortions

Type of thinking

Neg. impact

Replacement

All or nothing

Discouragement, no middle ground

Continuum thinking

Overgeneralization

Makes all problems last forever

Focus on the here and now

Negativity

Make the positive impossible

Appreciate the positives

Discounting positive

Eliminates real joy in the present

Purposely find and enjoy the positivesSlide51

Changing Distortions

Jumping to Conclusions

Anger, anxiety, depression

Consider all possibilities

Predictions

Dread,

disaster, panic

Stay in present

Mind

Reading

Anxiety, sadness, anger, assumptions

Clear communication

Magnification

Treating people unfairly

See strengths in self and others

Emotional reasoning

Upsetting judgments made without evidence

Listen to your head and heartSlide52

Changing Distortions

Shoulds

Discouragement at self,

Anger at others

Bring expectations in line with reality

Labeling

Discouragement at self,

Anger at others

Stick to specific circumstances

Blame

Discouragement at self,

Anger at others

Stick to specific circumstancesSlide53

Cognitive Restructuring(Hope, Burns, Hayes, Herbert, Warner, 2010)

Identify and change dysfunctional cognitive beliefs/automatic thoughtsReplace anxiety producing thoughts with more socially adaptable onesThrough Socratic questioning

Challenge the voracity of assumptions regarding social situations

Living in new attitudes about self and others by applying new rational rebuttals to the irrational beliefs and behaviors

Targets 3 areas: 1. experiencing anxiety, 2. negative self evaluation, 3. fear of negative evaluation

Use a hierarchy of thoughts- surface to core (keep asking “what would that mean?” until 4-6

th

= core)

Exposure

Reducing disabling behaviors

Finding exceptions

Systematically facing feared situations in context they feared

Redirecting attentionSlide54

Social Reappraisal Therapy(Hoffman & Scepkowski

, 2006)

Factors which influence formation=social apprehension, high social standards and goals, increased self attention (50-60%), high estimated social cost, perceived poor social skills, low perceived control, post event rumination

Create at least one social mishap per week

Switch focus on environment rather than inwardly- see the genuine observer’s perspective rather than the client’s own perspective

Realistically appraise the social cost

Reframe to increase sense of emotional controlSlide55

Challenging Attributions

1) Am I ascribing something like “This situation happened because ______?”2)Am I making a judgment about another person’s personality because of this event? What am I telling myself about what this means? (Because this happened, it means---)

3) Am I using adjectives to describe the other person’s personality, intentions rather than simply describing the behavior? (e.g. “You are always so lazy. You never care about our house.” versus “I am concerned about the amount of cleaning we still have to do. I realize we have busy tiring jobs but I am wondering how we plan to get the dishes done and get our things set up for tomorrow plus help the kids to finish their homework. How do we plan to get to divide these things up- any ideas?”)Slide56

Challenging Attributions4) Is the way I’m thinking about this definitely 100% a fact?

5) Is there any other way of looking at the situation? Come up with at least three exceptions.

6) Have I assumed that because something is (perceived by me to be) such and such way that I am powerless over it? Slide57

Attributions Exercises1) My spouse came home late two days this week. His clothes were a little disheveled looking- he must be having an affair.

2) My wife was supposed to meet me for the romantic dinner. She was ½ hour late and did not call me. When I saw her I had to yell at her because I knew she did not make our dinner a priority.3) My coworker left a pile of unfinished work on her desk. It must be that she is lazy and planned to have me do all her dirty work.Slide58

The Answer: Building ResiliencyBiggest key- empathy

Feeling with the othersCommunicating that feeling to the otherA sense of normalizing common human experiencesMany lenses or perceptionsNonjudgmental

MultifacetedSlide59

Keys To Shame ResilienceThe ability to recognize and understand shame triggers

High levels of critical awareness about shame triggers.Willingness to reach out to othersAbility to speak shame- put hurt and pains into wordsSlide60

Exercise Into Shame Triggers:

I want others to think, feel, perceive _____ about me.

I DO NOT want others to think, feel, perceive _____ about me.

Who benefits from my expectations?

How realistic are they?

If they are not life giving but are death producing and discouraging how can I continue to tell myself them?

Do the expectations conflict with each other?

Is my identity focused on what I truly want or what I think or what others want for me?

What would be the worst thing about if someone perceives my identity differently than I do? How will I handle it?

What can I really control about what people think of me?

What can I really control about what happens to me?Slide61

Examples of Shame

An older person going back to school to learn skills and advance at work but feels out of place about not being up to date on latest technology A doctor blaming a parent for not watching enough or taking care enough since the child got an infection.Someone telling a mom who missing here daughter who did that the mom should not grieve because we all know she is in a better place.

Someone in a long lasting marriage who has stuck it out does not understand why divorced single parent juggling everything in life cannot just work through it.

A man who is ashamed to say his wife got a DUI and is an alcoholic.

A person is ashamed to say that their family member is in jail for a crime when asked where he is and how he is doing.

A person who is consumed with an addiction does not want anyone to know the amount of time they spend on that.Slide62

Examples of ShameA woman who has postpartum depression has intrusive unwanted thoughts regarding hurting her kids since her postpartum depression is worse.

A spouse hides at home alone not wanting anyone to know that the reasons the spouse died was for suicide.A family keeps secrets to protect the fact that they will never know how that relative died.A middle aged adult struggles to find employment because he/she never graduated from high school.

A woman struggles to trust anyone because she has been raped

A person who has made many mistakes in life but as now changes his/her ways fears that others will always know and remember w he she used to be.Slide63

Examples of ShameSomething happened that wasn’t supposed to happen to me as I was a good, ethical moral nice person. I dot deserve this. What did I do so bad to deserve this?

A person tries to open up to talk about certain things with others but feels like everyone is tired of hearing her.Someone tries to guess what she should and should not say around others so as to not rock the boat.

A woman feels out of place when others tease her about the years passing and her not having children as she struggles with infertility.

Everyone around you thinks you are an amazing person juggling tasks that would be hard for anyone to manage. However inside you know how inadequate you feel. Slide64

Stages of GriefShock

DisorganizationSearching BehaviorEmotional ComponentsDespairGuilt-real or imagined, what if? What could I have done? I wish I could have done more.

Anger- at person for their sickness/death, anger

with yourself for being about your own businessSlide65

Stages of GriefAnxiety-what now?, feeling of loss of control

over your emotionsJealousy- of others who don’t have to go through lossShame-don’t want to admit true feelings of loss –

what it means

Aggression/Protest- doctors & nurses, family

members who did not help, God for “letting it happen”

Letting Go

- final goodbye, not searching, acceptance of new reality

Reintegration

- reassigning meaning to symbolic experiencesSlide66

What Clients Said Was Helpful

Cognitive strategies to help they be optimistic, increase positive self-talk, compartmentalize rather than generalize things, and healthy avoidanceSpiritual resources- beliefs, Bible verses, prayer

Listening and empathy

Assistance with practical resources

Assistance with verbal expressions

Physical exercise

Some alone timeSlide67

What Clients Said Was Helpful

Freedom to talk about and reintegrate their relationship with the deceasedAssistance with decision making- information, options, referralsAnxiety reduction techniques to deal with stimuli that serve as reminders

Strengths based approach regarding what client has already successfully used

Thought restructuring

Behavioral approaches- goal setting from hereSlide68

Alternatives To Shame

Vulnerability Healthy (non fearful or rejecting or neglectful) attachmentCommitment to persevering no matter whatWillingness to dialogueAllowance for emotional expression

Humility which fosters growth

Clearly defined boundariesSlide69

Coping With The Shame Emotionally

“Our body is impermanent, our emotions are impermanent, and our perceptions are impermanent. Our anger, our sadness, our love, our hatred, and our consciousness are also impermanent.”

(Hanh, T., N, 2004)Slide70

Building Empathy: Your Connection Network

Who gives empathy and support?Who keeps the shame going?How do you build empathy with others? Slide71

Healing: Giving Yourself a Voice

 Getting beyond fear of sharing with anotherHaving courage to speakHaving courage to choose who to speak to and give one’s heart toSlide72

Dealing With Offenses

“Anger and love are both of an organic nature. And thus they both can change. Hate can always be transformed into love. And unfortunately, many times love is transformed into hate.”(Hanh, T., N, 2004)“At the moment you become angry, you tend to believe that you misery has been created by another person. You blame him or her for all your suffering. But by looking deeply, you realize that the seed of anger in you is the main cause of your suffering.”

(Hanh, T., N, 2004)Slide73

Dealing With Offenses“Even though we are primarily responsible for our own anger, we believe naively that if we say something or do something to punish the other person, we will suffer less.”

(Hanh, T., N, 2004)“Both the tyrant and the victim in the system have a limited sense of themselves as persons, inadequate development of relationship skills and no understanding of the nuances of intimacy.”

(

Fossom

, M.A. & Mason, M. J., 1989)Slide74

Principles of The Fire“If your house is on fire, the most urgent thing to do is to go back and try to put out the fire, not to run after the person you believe to be the arsonist. If you run after the person you suspect has burned your house, your house will burn down while you are chasing him or her. That is nor the action of a wise person. You must go back and put out the fire. When you are angry, if you continue to interact with or argue with the other person, if you try to punish hi m or her, you are acting exactly like someone who runs after the arsonist while their home goes up in flames.”

(Hanh, T., N, 2004)Slide75

What People On Receiving End Can Do

Affirming matteringNormalizing emotionsAllowing other to have a voiceCommunication game: You feel _____ when _____ happened and in the future you’d like ____.(get 3 yes answers indicates understanding/empathy)Slide76

Empathy, Sympathy, and JudgmentEmpathy

- feeling with, hearing others heart and communicating clearly to themSympathy- feeling sorry forJudgment- I’m here and you’re there, comparison, I don’t understand you, I can’t imagine doing that.Slide77

Help Versus Punishment“When your beloved makes you suffer because she is angry, at first you feel that she deserves punishment. You want to punish her because she has made you suffer. But after ten or fifteen minutes of walking meditation and mindful looking, you realize that what she needs is help and not punishment.”

(Hanh, T., N, 2004)Slide78

Forgiveness, Atonement and Reconciliation

“It’s very natural that when you suffer, although you know how to practice, you still need the other person to help you in your practice. “Please help me. Darling, I need your help.” That is the language of true love.”(Hanh, T., N, 2004)Slide79

Dealing with Offenses: Both Offender and Offended

“A preacher put this question to a class of children: “If all the people in the world were red and all the bad people were green, what color would you be?” Little Linda Jean thought mightily for a moment. Then her face brightened and she replied: Reverend, I’d be streaky.”Kurtz, E. &

Ketcham

, K., 1992, p. 56

“It is only by ceasing to play God, by coming to terms with errors ad shortcomings, and by accepting the inability to control every aspect of their lives that[we can] find the peace and serenity that things like alcohol, drugs, sex, money, materialism, possessions, power, money, privilege, etc. promise but never deliver.”

Kurtz, E. &

Ketcham

, K., 1992Slide80

Undoing Shame In Relationships- Behavior Requests

“If you are capable of writing or saying these three sentences, you are capable of true love. You are using the authentic language. “Darling, I suffer, and I want you to know it. Darling, I am doing my best. I’m not trying to blame anyone, including you. Since we are so close to each other, since we have made a commitment to each other, I feel I need your support and your help to get out of this state of suffering, of anger.” Using the three sentences to communicate with the other person can quickly reassure and relieve him or her. The way you handle your anger will inspire a lot of confidence and respect in the other person and in yourself. This is not very difficult to do.”

(Hanh, T., N, 2004)Slide81

Healthy Family relationship messagesYou can be who you are.You are allowed to just be a child.

You do not exist to just please me.You can develop at your own personal pace and style.You can ask for what you need.You can try out new things.You can express the full range of feelings, thoughts, and opinions.

You are worth someone being there for you.Slide82

Healthy Shame/GuiltPermission to be wholly human

Ability to be perfectly imperfectFreedom to ask for help to get needs metBalanced autonomySlide83

Overcoming Shame Via Redoing Attachments

Assess core messages given to you in childhood regarding awe, wonder, and explorationYou have permission to ______.I have time for you.I choose to focus on you with a willing heart.You are loved.Slide84

Using Narrative Approaches To Help People Process Pain

Respect the client’s stories and respect their conclusions (What are the stories I tell myself? What repels me and what attracts me?)The inevitability of pain is what it takes to bring genuine healing.No testimony without a test or pain.No victory without vulnerability.

There is no straight line of easy means to perfection.

Life proves us.

Life is a battle to avoid dualistic extremes of thinking and behavior.

Assisting clients in telling beginning, middle, endSlide85

Narrative Approaches to Counseling(Pembroke, 2005)

Reconceptualizing problem-bound storiesHelping the client re-assemble unique alternative outcomes

Helping the client make the new alternative endings and strong and as possible as the problem bound ones

Partnership in the story between the client, the counselor, and the support system (affirmation strength, strengthening)Slide86

Developing Narratives

Use the words “grief accounts” instead of “grief stories”Assist in meeting roles of: mourning and returning to life

Practice grief (ex: self eulogy, reality- beginning, middle, and end of stories)

Restorative narrative- should be designed to fix, cure, and heal

By end of story should be some new activities aimed at coping with the grief in productive waysSlide87

Most Critical Factors to Consider in Relational OffensesBeckenbach, J., Patrick, S., & Sells, J. (2010)

The immediate topic The history of argumentsThe nature of conflict between the two partiesFamily of origin or historical factors in these issues

Use of defenses and self preservation

techiques

- perpetuates offensesSlide88

Narrative Interventions For Forgiveness

(Landry,D.F.,

Rachal,K.C

,

Rachal,W.S

., &

Rosenthal,G.T

.- 2005)

Translating thoughts into narrative makes emotional processing and forgiveness more manageable

Look at the frequency of words- increase the frequency of positive and neutral words (attribution retraining)

Helps a great deal with rumination aspects of both self forgiveness and other forgiveness

The longer the intervention the larger the effects

Gains maintained over time

Strengths- when therapist directed and with perspective taking can promote empathySlide89

True forgivenessForgiveness is more than what is said but also about what’s in the heart.

“ May this person who is annoying me enjoy true happiness.”(Chodron, P., 2002, p. 45)Slide90

Forgiveness AssessmentIs reconciliation a necessary part of forgiveness?

Is apology necessary before you would forgive someone?

Is it necessary to forget the hurt when you forgive someone?

Do you see forgiveness as primarily a religious concept?

Is it possible to forgive someone without that person being aware of it?Slide91

Forgiveness AssessmentDo you feel guilty if you do not forgive someone?

Is it possible to forgive someone?Is it possible to forgive yourself?

Is forgiveness more helpful for the person who was hurt than the person who did the hurting?

Can forgiveness cause emotional problems?

Do you think you have a moral responsibility to forgive?Slide92

Forgiveness Assessment

Does forgiving someone excuse their hurtful behavior?Can forgiveness occur if a hurtful action is still happening?

Are religious people more forgiving?

Do you see yourself as more forgiving than others?

Is it easier to forgive a friend/family member than a stranger?

Does anger decrease when forgiveness takes place?Slide93

Forgiveness AssessmentIs it easier to forgive a friend/family member than a stranger?

Does anger decrease when forgiveness takes place? Are you more likely to forgive someone who has made a major life change?Do you see forgiveness as a weakness?Does forgiveness justify a hurtful behavior?Slide94

Forgiveness AssessmentDoes forgiveness automatically restore trust?

Is it possible to be both angry and forgiving about a situation at the same time?Was forgiveness used often in your family?Do you believe people should be forgiven more than once for doing the same hurtful action repeatedly

?Slide95

Asking For Forgiveness (Enright, R., 2005, p. 191-192)

“I know that my asking you for your forgiveness may not be an easy thing to hear. I have not been with you and so we are emotionally distant. I own this and want to take responsibility for that and tell you how sorry I am. You may need time to think about this. You may respond with some initial agree and that is okay. In the long run, I hope that you will take my request seriously so that we can talk about the pain and begin to heal as a family. I love you and that is why I am taking the time to wrote to you and take this risk of how you will respond to me. Thank you for considering my request.”Slide96

To Forgive Or Not To Forgive?Did you make a conscious decision to forgive? If so, how did you arrive at that decision? Can you trace the reasoning that led you to decision to forgive?

• Did you experience—at any point before, during, or after the making of the decision to forgive—a changed emotional state that you would define as emotionally forgiving the person who harmed you?

• Did your Christian beliefs, values, community, or friends play any part in your decision and experience of forgiveness? If so, how?

• What benefits (if any) have you experienced from having forgiven, and explain whether (and if so, how) your offender benefited?Slide97

To Forgive Or Not To Forgive?Williamson, I., & Gonzales, M. H. (2007)

Positive Regard for Offender Subscale5. Lets me see the good side of the other person, despite his

or her offense.

8. Allows me to sympathize with the other person.

14. Enables me to empathize with the other person’s motives,

needs, and reasons for doing what he or she did.

16. Helps to restore feelings of love and caring in my

relationship with the other person.

19. Makes the other person’s action’s more understandable. Slide98

To Forgive Or Not To Forgive?Williamson, I., & Gonzales, M. H. (2007)

Religious–Expressive Subscale6. Reflects a humble submission to God, who always forgives us. 9. Allows me to express God’s love.

20. Enables me to act as Jesus would want me to act.

21. Makes it possible for God to work through me.

23. Is an opportunity to model or identify with Jesus. Slide99

To Forgive Or Not To Forgive?Williamson, I., & Gonzales, M. H. (2007)

Self–Transformation Subscale12. Enables me to look at myself differently than before. 13. Enables me to find a larger meaning in life.

15. Transforms me into a different and better person.

17. Enables me to adopt a larger perspective, to see the “big

picture.”

22. Is an opportunity to gain wisdom and knowledge. Slide100

To Forgive Or Not To Forgive?Williamson, I., & Gonzales, M. H. (2007)

Relief of Psychological Pain Subscale2. Relieves the sadness I feel. 4. Eliminates the discomfort (e.g. pain, sadness, anger) I feel

whenever I see the other person.

10. Helps me to feel happier in general. Slide101

Areas Which Hinder ForgivenessBlack and white thinkingCognitive Inflexibility

Lack of empathyLack of putting things in contextLack of willingness to abandon one’s point of viewA strict method of justice, grace, etc.Those who ruminate and justify resentment, anger, bitterness, etc.Slide102

Twelve Steps to Becoming a More Forgiving Person

Reflect on why you want to be more forgiving.Identify your greatest wounds from the past.Forgive one wound at a time.

Identify heroes of forgiveness.

Examine yourself.

Reduce negative traits: cultivate virtue.

Change your experience of the past.

Plan your self improvement strategy.

Practice forgiving under imagined conditions.

Practice forgiving day to day.

Seek help from someone you trust.

Start a campaign.Slide103

Types of ForgivenessDecisional

- control negative behaviors (until we can control unpleasant emotions). NOTE: may be great distance between head and heartEmotional replacement- replacing negative emotions like anger and fear with positive emotions like empathy, compassion, and loveSlide104

Key- having a corrective emotional experience

Actions which bridge the injustice gapReturn to a healthy relationship open, sincere answerSlide105

Personality Qualities Associated With Forgiveness

Forbearance- inhibition of revenge or avoidanceSelf controlResponsibility- making amends for one’s own Accountability- checking with anyone who will give an open, sincere answer

Honesty- realistic, factual behavioral observations (rather than subjective experience)

Conscientiousness-

Attention to detail- not just general, casual sweeping things under the rug

Obedience

Faithfulness

Righteousness

CompassionSlide106

Personality Qualities Associated With Forgiveness

Sympathy- considering others, preferring them Gratitude- finding ways to reflect on what we can be thankful forHumilityGiven Freely- intentionalSlide107

REACHRecall the hurtEmpathize

Altruistic gift of forgivenessCommit publically to forgiveHold onto forgivenessSlide108

REACHRecall the hurt

- admit specifically what was done wrong to you. Don’t be afraid to experience unpleasant emotions, use feelings words, create a mental picture- the more specific the betterEmpathize- see things from another person’s perspective, feel compassion or eth other, what might the perpetrator be thinking?, feel with the perpetrator, sense that we are offenders at some level

Altruistic gift of forgiveness

- not what was deserve but extending mercy instead of justice,

e.g

- letter of apology of behalf of the perpetrator, send e mails to yourself of what you would have wanted, talk to the perpetrator via the empty chair, try forgiving easier offenses

Commit publically to forgive

- make statement, don’t just act like you’ve forgiven but make it real, stop criticism, describe the positive desired behaviors, e.g. Wash your hands of judgment, throw away stones, burn the transgressions, develop a certificate of forgiveness, reinforce by telling someone you are accountable to of your decision to forgive

Hold onto forgiveness

- develop a behavioral life plan, seek ways to remind self when unpleasant emotions come of your decision to forgive, make use of friends who can reassure youSlide109

CONFESS

Confess- apologize without excuses- direct, specific, and sincereOffer apology- say itNote the other’s pain- perspective takingForever value

- who what the other means to you

Equalize

- sense of “we” as offenders-

reconceptualizing

justice

Say “never again”

- demonstrate a clear positional intention to not hurt the other again

Seek forgiveness

- ask for forgiveness for your part regardless of what you believe the other may or may not have doneSlide110

Fundamentalism spirituality and ShameWhether fundamentalism is accompanied by spiritual maturity or not directly influences the degree of shame.

Spiritual maturity- even when disappointed in God still pursues a relationship with Him.Not shutting down just because things feel badRole of active relationship/discipleship in spiritual maturitySlide111

Spiritual Approaches in Counseling that Highly Religious Clients Said Were Helpful (Martinez, Smith, & Barlow, 2007)

Reference to ScriptureTherapist keeping them in prayer privately

Religious/spiritual assessment

Religious/spiritual self disclosure

Religious/spiritual imagery

Religious/spiritual confrontation

Therapist/client prayer in session

Encouraging forgivenessSlide112

Spiritual Approaches in Counseling t

Spiritual Approaches in Counseling that Highly Religious Clients Said Were Helpful l

(Martinez, Smith& Barlow, 2007y Religious Clients Said Were)

Supporting client involvement in religious community

Client prayer at home

Religious

bibliotherapy

Encouraging client confession

Spiritual journalingSlide113

Three Common Assumptions about Listening(Barker, L., & Watson, K., 2000)

Speakers control communication more than listeners.We can wait to listen well when we really have to.

When someone starts talking people automatically listen.Slide114

Realities of Listening

Listeners control communication because they can open up communication by engaging or shut it down by tuning out.

Listeners use their will to tune in or out to a person.

The listener often is the one who puts his/her interpretation into things.

Listeners evaluate whether messages are important and valuable or not.

Listeners decide to follow through on what the speaker says or to not to that.

Listening is not automatic. Rarely can listeners answer more than 4 details of a conversation correctly.

Listening takes time and practice.

Listeners only remember a small portion of what has been said- 50% immediately after talk, 10% after 1 day.

Slide115

Listening Pitfalls

Tuning Out or Halfheartedly Listening

Rehearsing Our Responses

Assuming Meanings From What the Speaker Says

Jumping to ConclusionsSlide116

Four Listening Preferences

People- Oriented

Action Oriented

Content Oriented

Time Oriented

Slide117

People Oriented Listening

Other focused

Demonstrates caring and warmth

Nonjudgmental

Clear verbal and

nonverbals

Relates to where the other is coming from

Focuses on building relationships

Notices changes in other’s moods &

incongruencies

in them quicklySlide118

People Oriented Listening

ProblemsBecomes overinvolved in other’s feelings

Too empathic and may overlook faults

More prone to burnout because internalizes and adopts other’s feelings

Sometimes considered overly expressive by others

Nondiscriminating

in relationships- nice to everyone

Exs

: counselors, service professionals, teachers

Tell stories, use illustrations.

Use “we” and focus on teamwork.

Be personal.Slide119

Action-Oriented ListenersConcentrate on the task at hand

Frustrated with disorganized peopleComes across as impatient to othersFocuses on expectations

Able to redirect others towards the most important points of things

Identifies inconsistencies in messages where things don’t add upSlide120

Action-Oriented Listeners

ProblemsImpatient with people who talk too longJumps to conclusions quickly

Distracted by disorganization

Too blunt- pushes people too far too fast in conversations

May ask blunt questions

Comes across as critical

Minimizes the importance of the emotional/feelings in communication because they are too task and thing oriented

Exs

: Attorneys, financial analysts

Keep pints to 3 or less

Be short and to the point.

Speak quickly.Slide121

Content-Oriented ListenersEvaluate every angle of things

Likes digging below the surface to dissect problemsValue technical informationWants people to back up what they say with examples and supports

Values complexitiesSlide122

Content-Oriented Listeners

ProblemsOverly detailedMay come across as intimidating because knows so muchAsks pointed questions

Devalues info. from people who don’t know their job

Takes time to make decisions after studying all the angles of things

Exs

: scientists, mathematicians, engineers

Provide the data.

Quote experts and statistics.

Use charts and graphs.Slide123

Time Oriented ListenersSets time boundaries for conversations

Gives guidelines for conversationDoes not want “wasted” timeTells others when they are “wasting” timeSlide124

Time Oriented Listeners

ProblemsImpatient with time wasters as he/she see itInterrupts othersNot good at concentrating and just hearing others in the moment

Rushes others by watches and clocks

Squelches creativity because so focused on time and clocks

Go under time limits if you can.

Avoid unnecessary

exs

.

Watch their impatience level.Slide125

Top Ten Listening Hindrances(Barker, L. & Watson, K., 2000)

Interrupting the speaker.Not looking at the person who is talking.Rushing the speaker and communicating thereby that his/her message is unimportant. Not letting the speaker tell the whole thing.

Showing interest in things other than the conversation at hand.

Getting head of the speaker and finishing or concluding what he/she is saying.Slide126

Top Ten Listening Hindrances(Barker, L. & Watson, K., 2000)

Not doing what the speaker requests.Saying, “yes- BUT” which shows that the speaker doesn’t matter as much as what you want

Stopping the speaker by relating things to yourself.

Forgetting what the speaker talked about.

Asking too many questions about details.Slide127

Nonverbal ListeningDirect look

Lean slightly inSmile gentlyState the person’s name and shake hand

Take turns communicating

Angling your body toward the speaker

Use regular head nods

Reflect the speaker’s emotions Slide128

Nonverbal ListeningFacial Expressions

Thinking about things- look to the side, tilt their head(down & right)- if a feeling(down & left)- remembering something they saw or heard(right)- thinking about something that hasn’t happened yetSlide129

Stereotypes Promote Shame 

An 80 year old patient from a nursing facilityA young person who is on his first job A middle aged single parent with four jobsA chronic pain patient who does not work and says home a lot

A patient who has had several inpatient admissions since he/she was a teenagerSlide130

Spirituality Promotes Resilience Spirituality

12 Sample Assessment Questions:1. Do you wish to discuss spiritual issues in counseling when relevant?

2. Do you believe in God?

3. What is God to you?

4. Is spirituality important to you (scaling)

5. Do you have a religious affiliation? Imp.to you? (scaling)

6.Do you attend a church, synagogue, or another gathering place?

7. How closely do you follow the teachings of your religion?Slide131

Spirituality Promotes Resilience

8. How do you experience God’s guidance in your personal life?9. Are you aware of any spiritual resources or practice sin your life that could be used to help you cope with or solve your problem? What are they?10. Anything about your spirituality or religious community that concerns you?

11. Would you like your counselor to consult with your spiritual/religious leader if this could be helpful to you?

12. Are you willing to consider trying religious or spiritualty based suggestions from your counselor if they could be helpful to you?Slide132

Questions To Facilitate Client’s Sharing Their Spiritual Narrative (

Hoogestraat & Trammel, 2003)g a Clinical unent

Incorporating Spirituality

How has your spirituality/religion influenced your life?

Tell me about God.

What does your spirituality mean to you?

Help me understand how you learned about spirituality/religion.

How do you think God views you?

Tell me about spiritual/religious traditions in your family.

How do you define spirituality/religion?

What spiritual/religious messages were handed down through your family?

Do you believe spirituality/religion causes more harm than good or more good than harm?Slide133

Questions For Cultivating A Spiritual Autobiography(Sociocultural Clinical perspective):

Questions For Cultivating A Spiritual Autobiography(Sociocultural Clinical perspective):

What is your earliest memory about God?

Were you raised in a religious family? What was that like?

What are your current religious views and beliefs?

How would you have described God when you were a child/teenager?

Who had the greatest spiritual or religious influence in you as a child/teenager?

What influenced your faith the most?

How would you describe your faith today?

What was your worst/best spiritual experience?Slide134

God Images and Processing Counseling Concerns (Peloso)

The culture of a client’s spiritual/religious/God experienceMeeting the client where he/she is at may involve understanding the language, images, and ritual by which they experience God

Process Of Incorporating God Images

:

1)

Conscious conflict-

noticing difference between what I was taught and what I seem to be experiencing

2)Time of Pause-

Evaluating the contradiction

3)

Image/insight

- coming up with some explanation or insight to explain the contradiction

4)

Repatterning

/reframing

- recomposing meaning

5) I

nterpretation on dialogue-

new insight about one’s spiritual imageSlide135

God Images and Processing Counseling

Concerns (Peloso) God Images and

Definitions Of God Image

Love---------22

Creator----------21

Always Present-----------20

Friend-----------16

Jesus Christ----------11

Strength------------11

Peaceful------------11

(

Others

: comfort, support, forgiving, a guide, compassionate, patient, a mystery, a spirit, powerful, etc.)

(Asses client’s definitions and experiences; Don’t assume or base on your experiences or God conceptSlide136

Common Spiritual Misbeliefs in the Counseling Literature:

God must answer my prayers as I’d like them to be answered.I absolutely should always be loved unconditionally by all my fellow churchgoers/Christians.I ought to undeniably be obeyed by other when I quote Scriptures to defend my position.

I must never be judged but totally accepted as I am.

I must always be judged

If only I work hard “enough” then God will see that I deserve _____.

Good people should always have “good” things happen to them and “bad” people should have “bad” things happen to them. (justice perspective)

People should have mercy on me but they should get what they deserve (justice).

I must spend the rest of my life paying back for what I said, did, etc.Slide137

Dealing With The Spiritual Issue of Diminished Hope and Purpose (Jones, 2009)

“taking people to the healing waters”, “Do you want to be healed?”Key Questions: “What hurts?”, “What heals?”

Steps

:

1. perceiving2. compassion for the client’s story

3. reaching out to the hurting person

4. asking clarifying questions

5. engaging the will- drawing on the client’s resources/strengths?

6. embracing the client’s

stuckness

7. encouraging connectedness- behavioral goals to help the client get connected to what is spiritually uplifting for him/herSlide138

The Healing Cycle: Christian Group Therapy (Hook & Hook, 2010)

Steps in group therapy:Grace, Safety, Vulnerability, Truth, OwnershipGrace

- all need to know God’s unconditional love

kindnes

who acknowledge their need fro Him.

Group members model the heart attitude of comfort, mercy in the face of brokenness

I what ways have you experienced the grace of God in the midst of your brokenness?

In what ways have you experienced grace from others?

What are some of the barriers you faced? How did you work through them?Slide139

The Healing Cycle: Christian Group Therapy (Hook & Hook, 2010)ling Cycle: Hook, 2010))

Safety- Freedom from fear anxiety, and apprehension as group members open up

Knowing that each group member can share vulnerable info. and it will be safe within the group (confidentiality, lack of judgment, each doing own work, pass if you want, consistent attendance and commitment to the group)

Boundaries- clear expectationsSlide140

The Healing Cycle: Christian Group Therapy (Hook & Hook, 2010)ling

Vulnerability- Self disclosure, listening, and validationSharing and risk taking for the benefit of the group

Accessing feelings in session so that group members together can carry each other’s burdens

Truth

- What God says about the situation, hearing input for others

Key- speaking truth in an attitude of love rather than one which produces increased hurt and damages more

Ownership

- responsibility for each one’s own part in healing process

Includes telling the whole story, reducing blame on others, and refocusing on personal solutionsSlide141

Obstacles To ForgivenessPride

- putting self first, includes envy and jealousy, magnifies resentments and bitternessPower- manipulation for your needsSlide142

Power Versus Love

Power

Love

Me First

How may I serve you?

Manipulation

Builds up

Exhausts others

Refreshes others

Rarely genuinely happy

Understands happiness

Rewarded-idolizing money

Money- a means to an endSlide143

Power Versus Love

Power

Love

Steps on others

A bridge to other’s betterment

Wounds

Binds up wounds

Joyless

Joy

Does not understand love

Does not understand power and is not impressed

Forgiveness=weakness

Forgiveness=strengthSlide144

The Age of the Disordered WillProblem

: Willing what cannot be willedTrying to control what is not ours to controlTrying to coerce what cannot be forced.Craving what is not life givingSlide145

Body Images and Shame

 Increased rates of mental health issues in obese populationDiscrepancies between goal versus reality2 key areas: 1. Shame concerning perceived body image, 2. Guilt regarding eating habitsDepression- increased tendency to hide/disappear worthlessness (co-occurs with shame)Slide146

 Shame and Eating Disorders:

Shame- the unattractive flawed selfBody appearancePerceived failure to controlHypersensitivity to social cues

Aggression towards others who criticize their eating patterns

Low assertiveness

Avoidance: eating situations (especially social eating), looking in mirrors, being weighed, undressing or changing, intimate physical relationshipsSlide147

Child Abuse and shameFeinauer, L., Hilton, G., Callahan, E. H. (2013)

As the severity of abuse increases so does depression, adjustment, lack of trust in intimate relationshipsExcessive shame occurs when children don’t feel as if they’ve mastered childhood tasks, desire to hide, feeling small, worthless, not wanting to be around

Worse I abuse situations:

Told directly it is their fault

Don’t feel safe

Unsure who they can be intimate withSlide148

Hardiness helps heal pain from child abuseAbility to see things in context

Realization that they did not cause the abuseProduces higher resilienceA transformational coping styleBased on internal wholenessChoices to distance from unhealthy relationshipsSlide149

Child Abuse and shame(Herman, 1992, 52-53)

“ Traumatic events violate the autonomy of the person at a level of basic bodily integrity. The body is invaded, injured, defiled. Furthermore at the moment of the trauma, almost by definition the individual’s point of view counts for nothing . In rape for example, the purpose of the attack is precisely to demonstrate contempt for the victim’s autonomy and dignity.

Shame is a response to helplessness, the violation of bodily integrity. And the indignity suffered in the eyes of another person.” Slide150

Child abuse and shame: reconceptualizing the trauma

Audio interview with a ptsd survivorSlide151

Shame and Substance Use

If underlying shame is not dealt with, substance use occurs/continuesCultural oppressionChild abuse and neglectSubstance abuse behaviorsLearned coping

Important to have a clinician who is seasoned in managing shame in his or her own life.

Move away from stereotypes of the druggies or junkie

Increase access to humanistic services

Move away from addict (shame) to dependence (behavior)

Problem: dealing with differing conceptualizations of addiction based on the setting you work inSlide152

Wholehearted Living (B, Brene, 2012, p.9)

Cultivating authenticity- letting go of what people thinkCultivating

self compassion

- letting go of perfectionism

Cultivating

a resilient spirit

: letting go of numbing and powerlessness

Cultivating

gratitude and joy

: letting go of scarcity and fear of the dark

Cultivating

intuition

and trusting

faith

: letting go of the need for certainty

Cultivating

creativity

: letting go of comparison

Cultivating

play and rest

: letting go of exhaustion as a status symbol ad productivity as self worth

Cultivating

calm and stillness

: letting go of anxiety as s lifestyle

Cultivating

meaningful work: letting go of self doubt and supposed toCultivating laughter, song, and dance: letting go of being cool and always in controlSlide153

Wholehearted LivingSimultaneously being imperfect and failing yet still worthy of love.

Seeing vulnerability as something necessary and desirable to create genuine intimacy in relationshipsCourage to risk failure and heartbreakWilling to feel authentically what I feel on the hear and now.Slide154

Vulnerability

Learning to be comfortable with not being ____ enough

Learning to deal with fear of the unknown

Defined as: “We wake up every day and loving someone who may or may not love us back, whose safety we can’t ensure, who may stay in our lives or may leave without a moment’s notice, who may be loyal to the day I die or betray us tomorrow- that’s vulnerability. Love is uncertain. It’s incredibly risky. And loving someone leaves u emotionally exposed. Yes- it’s scary and yes, we’re open to being hurt but can you imagine your life without being loving or being loved?” (Brown, B., 2012, p.34)

Definition #2: capable of being wounded, open to attack or damage” (Brown, B., 2012, p.39)Slide155

Vulnerability

“ I can see that you’ve worked really hard to help me and to please me. But- I don’t quite know how to tell you this- you have been burning yourself out doing a job never meant for you to do. You’re trying to paint over something that’s bound to break in the end, and no amount of white paint can cover the mess. Let me show you how to build something that’s brand new.”

(

VanVonderen

, J., 1992, p.14).Slide156

The Double Standards of Vulnerability

“ Vulnerability is the last thing I want you to see in me, but the first thing I look for in you.’ (Brown, B., 2012, p.113)Attractive to us in others and draws us to them but we are self critical and avoid it in ourselves.Can there be something attractive about potentially failing?

Is there anything good about being emotionally exposed?

Time

Process

Learning about people

Observation

Wise decisions making

Boundaries

Choosing not to run awaySlide157

Healthy View on Emotions

Tools and giftsNeither good not badHelps me be more authentic and aliveReminds me to use the adults skills I have I can use anger as a healthy signal

I can set boundaries

I can allow time and process to happen to build trust.

I can place relationships in a proper perspective I don’t have to just give in and desperately do anything to maintain relationship.

I can change only me.

I can do what I can and let God take care of the rest.Slide158

Exercise: Write a pledge to self.Slide159

Four Keys to Working through Shame (Brown, B, 2012, p.75)

 Recognize and try to understand its triggersBe aware of the messages and triggers which drive your shameOwn and share your story.Ask for what you need.Slide160

Effects of Shame on Therapeutic RelationshipAnxiety

CautionPromotes and withdrawal style linked to terminationNegative erroneous assumptions on therapistSlide161

Shame and Women (Brown, B., 2912, p.85-86)

Look perfect. Do perfect. Be perfect. Anything less than that is awful.You are being judged by other mothers.The flawed parts of you are out on the open for all to see.You’ll never be good enough.

You should be able to pull off looking and feeling like it’s all under control no matter what.

You have to be more at home. You have to be more in bed. You have to be more

Be super sexy after kids house work and everything you do.

Don’t upset or hurt anyone but still say what’s in your mind.

Don’t be too emotional

Result: women tend to talk louder and more intensely.Slide162

Shame and Men Brown, B., 2012, p. 91-92)

Shame is failure.You are defective.Don’t let people think you’re too soft.Don’t be afraid no matter what.Don’t be weak.Be the initiator of relationships, sex, decision, etc.

Result: tend to pull away, distance, avoidSlide163

Shame in SupervisionAn issue because of evaluation component

An identity of failureOlder supervisees breed more shameConcerns regarding supervisors being unreceptive Slide164

Becoming Vulnerable- a good thing “Many of us prefer practices that will not causes discomfort, yet at the same time we want to be healed…But (it) doesn’t work that way. A warrior accepts that we can never know what will happen to us next. We can try to control the uncontrollable by looking for the security and predictability, always hoping to be comfortable and safe. But the truth is that we can never avoid uncertainty. This not knowing is part of the adventure, and it’s also what makes us afraid. This ‘I’ who wants something to hold on to- can finally learn to grow up.”

(

Chondron,P

., 2002)Slide165

Examples of Vulnerability (Brown, B., 2012, 25-37)

Sharing an unpopular opinionStanding up for myselfAsking for helpSaying noStarting my own businessHelping my 37 year old wife with stage 4 breast cancer make decisions about her will

Initiating sex with my wife

Initiating sex with my husbandSlide166

Examples of Vulnerability (Brown, B., 2012, 25-37)

Calling a friends whose child just diedSigning up my mom for hospiceThe first date after my divorceSaying “I love you” and not knowing if I will be loved backFalling in love

Finding something new

Reaching out to my son going through a divorce

Exercising in public when I believe I’m out of shapeSlide167

Examples of Vulnerability (Brown, B., 2012, 25-37)

Being accountableAsking for forgivenessHaving faithBuffers against shameJoy rehearsing the PositiveThe big Picture

Context

Connection

Belonging, identity

Owning my partSlide168

Healthy Vulnerability: Express YourselfI need help.

I feel ______.I think _________.I’m sorry.That means a lot to me.I’m ready to give ____ a shot.I’m willing to learn.Slide169

Healing after Shaming Someone

“ I had no idea there was a difference between shame and guilt. I think I shamed you and your entire life. I meant to use guilt. I never thought you weren’t good enough. I did not like your choices. But I shamed you. I can’t take that back, but I need you to know that you’re the best thing that ever happened to me and I’m so proud to be your parent.”Slide170

Compassion

Looks at our shared humanityNone of us is perfectWe’ve all struggledSlide171

Compassionate Mind Therapy As An Adjunct to CBT

Statistically significant decrease in depression, anxiety, self criticism, inferiority, submissionSecurity produced by physical warmth, healthy attachment, protectionDopamine release (soothing)- lowers stress

Compassion

:

Ability to manage stress

Distress tolerance when painful feelings

Need to train people to generate compassion and warmth

Need to teach positive rational inner conversationsSlide172

Compassionate Mind Therapy As An Adjunct to CBT

Conditions:Be in tune with feelings associated with memories (e.g. facial expressions of others)Understand development of safety strategiesLearn compassion and empathy

Recognize multiple body symptoms competing at once during conflict

Develop compassionate imagerySlide173

CBT Vs. CMT

CBT

CMT

Writing, taking charge of memories

compassionate letter writing

Exposure-revisiting trauma in imagination

Self reflection, focused attention

Cognitive restructuring of identity

Empty chair

IDing

irrational beliefs and assumptions, changing errors

Switching from self critical to compassionate thoughtsSlide174

CBT Vs. CMT

CBT

CMT

Anxiety reduction, physical awareness

Mindfulness, self kindness, warmth

Exploring worst memory, coping strategies, Cost/benefit analysis of behavioral responses

Strengths focus- what works, self compassionate, journal, imagery- self compassionateSlide175

Goss, K. & Allan, S. (2014). Compassion Focused Treatment

General: cognitive debatingGraduated exposure to increasingly difficult situationsStress inoculationGeneralizing skills out of session

Specific: meal planning

Graduated exposure to various eating situations

Working through weight and shape issues

Re-evaluate

:

Threat detection

Emotional regulation

Self soothing

Learn to

:

Stick to a behavioral plan

Grieve through the amount of time and energy

Plan for changes to size/shape, social interactions Slide176

Compassionate Mind Therapy

Depression- the inner critic accepts negative targetingCan be fought an counteractedVisualize the confident, overcoming selfStrong, unbeatableDon’t have to accept the inner critic

Think of evidence opposing the inner critic

You have permission and courage to fight back

If there’s not evidence for negative criticism you can choose what to accept

You can decide how you will allow yourself to be treatedSlide177

The Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto (Brown, B., 2012, p.244-245):

Above all else I want you to know that you are loved and lovable.You will learn this from my words and actions-= the lessons on love are I how I treat you and how treat myself.I want you to engage with the world from a place of worthiness.You will learn that you are worthy of love, belonging, and joy every time you see me practice self-compassion and embrace my own imperfections.Slide178

The Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto (Brown, B., 2012, p.244-245):

We will practice courage in our family by showing up, letting ourselves be seen, and honoring vulnerability. We will share our stories of struggle and strength. There will always be room in our home for both.We will teach you compassion by practicing compassion with ourselves first; then with each other. We will set and respect boundaries; we will honor hard work, hope, and perseverance. Rest and play will be family values, as well as family practices.

You will learn accountability and respect by watching me make mistakes and make amends, and by watching how I ask for what I need and talk about how I feel.Slide179

The Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto (Brown, B., 2012, p.244-245):

I want you to know joy, so together we will practice gratitude.I want you to feel joy, so together we will learn how to be vulnerable.When uncertainty and scarcity visit, you will be able to draw from the spirit that is part of our everyday life. Together we will face fear and grief. I will want to take away your pain, but instead I will sit with you and teach you how to feel it.

We will laugh and sing and dance and create. We will always have permission to be ourselves with each other. No matter what, you always belong here.

As you begin your wholehearted journey, the greatest gift I can give to you is to live and love with my whole heart and to dare greatly.Slide180

The Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto (Brown, B., 2012, p.244-245):

 I will not teach or love or show you anything perfectly, but I will let you see me, and I will always hold sacred the gift of seeing you. Truly, deeply seeing you.Slide181

Students and ShameAsk what concerns they have regarding other perception

e.g. anxiety, body image, social acceptanceincorporate into school curriculumSlide182

Highly Sensitive PeopleLearning to assertively set boundaries re. interactions with people

Balancing productivity and restReframing stresses terms of what is familiar and friendlyTaking breaks to de-escalateSlide183

New Message HSP (Aaron, E., 1998, p. 62-63)

Please don’t make me handle more than I can. When you do this I hurt all over.Don’t blame me for how I am. I was born this way and this is who I am.

What I am is wonderful- I can sense and feel things so much more deeply. I am actually one of the best things in your life. Check on me. At least I will know you care.

If you must make me wait to rest please ask me if its okay. I only get more angry if you try and force me to have energy and intensity I don’t have.

Sometimes I do better left alone to cry myself to sleep and process. I need a pretty regular routine.

When I’m exhausted I need sleep even if I seem wide awake.

Get to know me better.

Keep my life uncomplicated. Can’t do more than one outing per week.

I’m strong in my own way. I’m clever not sick or weak.

Please don’t ignore me. Just love me.

And like me as I am.Slide184

Reparenting Your Gifted Self (Aaron, E., 1998, p. 62-63)

 Appreciate yourself for being, not doing.Praise yourself for taking risks and learning something new rather than for your successes.

Try not to compare yourself with others- produces competition

Give yourself opportunities to interact with other gifted people.

Do not overschedule yourself.

Keep your expectations realistic.

Do not hide your own abilities.

Be your own advocate.

Accept it when you have narrow interests. Slide185

Dealing With Overarousal (Aaron, E., 1998, p. 95)

 Tell yourself that this is not fear.Find other HSPs to talk to.Use your arousal reducing skills.

Develop a good persona and consciously use it.

Explain your trait to others.Slide186

Choosing to Respond:

“Many other people, confronted with the same situation, would not get angry like you. They hear the same words, they see the same situation, and yet they are able to stay calm and not get carried away.” (Hanh, T., N, 2004)Slide187

Meaning MakingDevelop short and long term goals

Suffering helps redefine selfGrowth producing and enhancingThriving as a personAppreciating beautyFinds light in the darknessFinds meaning in faith Slide188

Meaning Making in Grief

KEYSGrief is as varied as each individual.

Expression is better than denial.

Expression may include a range of things unique to each individual.

Gender roles play a part- men tend to be more private and repressive while women encouraged to be open.

Social support is an essential element.

Avoidance is top problem and concern in terms of maladaptive responses.

Recovery involves building grief into existing structure of one’s life.

Requires cognitive reframing- not losing but redefining.

Flexibility between and within individuals is required.

(time, style, resources needed)

Seeing grief as an ability to broaden one’s perspective

Slide189

Moving Beyond ShameGuard Your own self identity

Practice mercy towards selfNo different standards for self and othersYou are more than your imperfectionsSlide190

Moving From Shame to Guilt

 Stay behavioral in goalsTeach boundaries which produce stabilityResponsibility/amends rather than blameMoving toward healthy support rather than withdrawal and avoidanceSlide191

Ingredients of a Good Apology

1)With responsibility for each persons’ part in the offense.2) Personal: (When ___ happened you felt ____. You needed _____ and in the future you hope for _______).

3) Specific behavior plan for the future- how we will handle triggers again.

4) Deep apology, not just surface level.

5) Genuineness in interactions

6) Direct apology without a bunch of other stuffSlide192

Examples of Bad ApologiesAvoid

: Sorry.I am sorry for whatever hurt you.What else do you want now?

I am just like this. This is how I am but I am sorry.

This is my personality, culture, etc. It is not likely to change.

I’ll say I’m sorry if it will help but I don’t know why.

I cannot believe you need me to apologize for that.

I am sorry for ___ BUT ….Slide193

Role of OxytocinImplicated in trust/betrayal

Implicated in decision makingCompare to placebo participants that received oxytocin during a trust task maintained their trustSlide194

Drop The RockBe humble and willing to learn and change.

Stop blaming others, character deficits, etc for your problems.Admit that you can’t do it alone.Identify the rocks that weigh you down.Remind yourself how the rocks are not working for you.

Proactively think about what the alternatives would be if you didn’t live with the rocks anymore.Slide195

Recovery (Drop The Rock, 2005)We take the opposite of our character defects and shortcomings and turn them into principles. For example, we work to change fear into faith, hate into love, egoism into humility, anxiety and worry into serenity, complacency into action, denial into acceptance, jealousy into trust, fantasy into reality, selfishness into service, resentment into forgiveness,

judgmentalism into tolerance, despair into hope, self hate into self respect, and loneliness into fellowship.Slide196

Attributes To Be Developed (Drop The Rock, 2005)

HonestyHopeFaith CourageIntegrityWillingnessHumility

Brotherly Love

Justice

PerseveranceSpiritual Awareness

ServiceSlide197

Ingredients Required for Overcoming Shame:

Acceptance- moving away from avoidance to actively dealing with the messages which contribute to shameCognitive diffusion- reminding self “these are just thoughts, not absolute determinations of who I am”

Self as context

- see yourself as an observer of your memories from outside

Guilt

- focus on perspective taking and concrete, reparable actions and eliminating harmSlide198

Shame From a Cultural PerspectiveDifferent in different cultures:

How do you appraise emotions?What body feelings meanWhat affect should or should not be shown outwardlyHow shame should be managedWhat is allowed to be communicatedSlide199

Collectivist Mindset and ForgivenessHook, J. N., Worthington Jr., E. L., Utsey,S. O., Davis, D. E., & Burnette, J. L. (April 2012).

Fosters forgiveness more than those with an individualized mindset

Goals: Interpersonal harmony, reconciliation instead of personal feelings of peace and happiness

Collectivism

a social pattern consisting of

closely linked

individuals who

(a) see themselves as connected with the collective in which they are members;

(b) are motivated primarily by the social norms and duties of their collective;

(c) place more importance on collective goals than on their own personal goals; and

(d) emphasize their connectedness to other members of the collective.

Individualism

a social pattern consisting of

loosely linked

individuals who

(a) see themselves as relatively independent from the collective in which they

are members;

(b) are motivated primarily by their own preferences, needs,

rights, or contracts they have made with others;

(c) place more importance on personal than collective goals; and

(d) tend to make decisions on whether to associate with others on an analysis of costs and benefits to the individual.Slide200

Hope Versus Want and DesireWant/Desire

May or may not happenMay or may not be manageable and achievableMay or may not have the skills to attain the goalHope

Able to be attained by the hopeful person

Skill base is there or can be easily gotten

Possible and realistic to achieve

Able to access resourcesSlide201

Hopeful ElementsCutcliffe, J.R.. (2006)

Connectedness- self and othersUplifting memoriesCognitive strategiesSpiritual or philosophical beliefs which support hopeRefocusing of time and energy

Purposeful activities

Ability to tolerate ebb and flow

Atmosphere of acceptanceSlide202

True Love“True love heals and affects spiritual growth. If we do not grow because of someone else’s love, it’s generally because it is a counterfeit from of love. True love is unconditional positive regard, Unconditional positive regard allows us to be whole and accept all parts of ourselves.” (Bradshaw, J., 1988, p.154)Slide203

Healthy Self LoveGiving yourself time

Spending time with yourselfDoing healthy self careBalance between being and doingSlide204

ResiliencyDefining Resilience

Adaptation under adversityThe ability to recover from psychological harmNot being defined by earlier negative experienceTo jump, to spring back, to rebound

Survival, adaptation, recovery, risk assessmentSlide205

Here and Now Present LivingMindfulness allowing stresses to pass through

Move from autopilotReminder that we can choose what we focus onFinding joy and happiness in the presentThey know that dwelling on the past breeds ager, resentment, and paralysisRomanticizing the past makes you repeat the same problemsSlide206

PatienceThey don’t give up during the waiting time.

Waiting time- things still happening.Able to sit still when necessary and act when necessarySlide207

Forgiveness

Not dwelling on pains but moving toward self healing by letting go of judgementSelf CompassionSeeing good in oneselfBeing forgiving toward yourselfSlide208

OptimismA healthy

nonpersonal way of explaining and attributing thingsThings are temporary, specific and external- leads to resilienceFuture orientationConfidence in midst of challenges

Able to perceive the end rather than get stuck in the process

Ignore unproductive pain and adaptSlide209

PaceIntelligence associated with speed at which things are done

Also knowledge of when to slow things downSlide210

Connections/Social SupportsNot simply number of supports but quality of supports

Promoting restorative narrativeSlide211

Openness To ChangeWilling to learn new things

Assess things each time to see what has gone well and what needs to be modifiedLook at present, sort term and long term simultaneouslySlide212

Engagement and InterestLikes trying new things

Does not remain stuck in old things that may or may not workPotential to growSlide213

Strengths Orientation/Solution Focus:How did you manage in spite of___________ ?

3 good things- finding exceptionsDiscovering strengths- personality characteristics that help people endureBuilding on strengths you already haveFocusing on positive memoriesSlide214

Who Bounces Back? (Seligman, M, 2011)

Setbacks are temporary, local, and changeableThose who keep persisting at tasksThose with new and different ideasThose who look beyond the initial oppositionThose who mentally separate the heat of the moment and its stresses from life’s decisions.

Those who apply cognitive behavioral strategies to identify toxic beliefs and behaviors and change themSlide215

Hope Theory (Grewal, P.K., & Porter, J.E., 2007)

Two components:1) Agency

- belief that goals can be met, goals are manageable and achievable

2)

Pathways

- Actual behavioral [plans of implementing goals

May need to be taught:

Recalling past successes

Naming and

reconceptualizing

goals

Accountability for actions and follow throughSlide216

The Role Of Positive EmotionsSustainers, facilitate copingReframing

Must be realistic thoughExperiencing more positive affect increased personal resources (like social support and purpose in life) which in turn predicted decreased affective symptoms. (Geschwind, N.,

Peeters

, F., Jacobs, N.,

Delespaul, P.,

Derom

, C.,

Thiery

. E., Van

Os

, J., &

Wichers

, M., 2010)Slide217

Can Hope Be Learned?Martin Seligman’s idea of learned optimism or learned helplessness

Learned optimism- bad events are only temporary and situational rather than permanent and long termAlbert Bandura’s idea of self efficacy- people can take on individual responsibility for their reactions, people’s beliefs govern their lives (

e.g

perseverence

in the face of difficulty)Slide218

Videos: Dealing With HopelessnessThe Old Man Having To Start Over With His Job

Woman Grieving The Ned of a RelationshipMother Whose Child DiedDepressed Young Man Slide219

Videos: Cultivating HopeLooking For a New Job

One Step More Toward The Right OneKeeping The Memories AliveChanging PerspectiveSlide220

Building Developmental Resilience in Children(De Civita, M., 2006)

Phase I: Trusting, Instilling hope: Providing consistency and sameness and predictabilityPhase II: Autonomy

: Children encouraged to use skills under guidance and supervision

Phase III: Initiative/purpose

: Children do problem solving to make decision

Phase IV: Industry/Celebrating competence

: Children are given opportunities to practice new skills with their peers and to receive praise for effortsSlide221

Audio: What Does It Takes to Build resilience in children?By Michele AluochSlide222

Areas That Can Be ChangedLocationTiming

FrequencyInteractionsAntecedentsDurationNonverbalsSequences of actions

Attention

ReactionsSlide223

Action PlansSMART

SmallMeasurableAchievableR

ealistic

T

imelineSlide224

The Importance of Healthy Connection with Others

Expanding social networkBuilding empathy, universality, and perspectiveLegitimizing and normalizingProcessing hidden inner child stuffExternalizing the thoughts, feelings and memories we have

Models the ability to live an imperfect life wholeheartedly

To heal shame we have to be part of a group Slide225

SurrenderSelf acceptance

Knowing the source is not meAct “as if”Quit doing what is nonproductiveMove away from arrogance and envyTrust ourselvesAsk for help when we need itSlide226

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