Confrontations and Disagreements - PowerPoint Presentation

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Confrontations and Disagreements

Most people have very strong feelings against confrontation, disagreement and discomfort.

On a physiological level, it increases our heart rate, blood pressure, and stress hormones. We might feel our heart racing, faces heating or blushing, sweat and nervous energy.

On a psychological level our insecurities begin to whisper. “You’re not smart enough, you’re not good enough, you’re going to embarrass yourself, people aren’t going to like you”.

Reactions to Confrontation

When we are in situation we perceive as confrontational, we often times resort to our survival instincts (which makes sense when we consider our physiological responses)

We may fight – engage the confrontation with the ultimate goal of “winning”

We may flee or freeze – stay out of the confrontation and the conversation entirely, basically stay out of the crosshairs

In both scenarios we become less effective, and often times goals and desired outcomes are lost

Rationalization of Avoidance

We avoid confrontation, and using our voice in many situations by rationalizing our silence

We minimize or justify our own discomforts: “it’s not that bad”, “that’s just how things work”, “there are things the person could have done to avoid this”, “the system is broke, the regulations aren’t what they should be”

We convince ourselves that it is OK to avoid confrontation and that it is the logical approach, that the problems we see are inevitable, that the best way to handle challenging situations is to just let things be

What We Miss When We Avoid

By avoiding confrontation and discomfort, we miss out on opportunities for growth, positive change, advocacy and improvement

We allow ourselves or others to be left with unresolved wants and needs

We miss opportunities to promote positive change

We further the whispers of insecurity within ourselves

We facilitate cycles of ineffectiveness, unhappiness, stress and burnout

Point of View – The Caregiver or Advocate

Often times we minimize or justify the discomfort of the people we support, even if it is unintentional. We may do this by explaining why a stressful situation “is the way it is”, how it can’t be avoided. We may blame the system, the funding or the regulations. We try to rush our way out of difficult conversations by glossing over discomforts and pointing out positive things. We tell the person “everything will be OK”.

We justify these actions by telling ourselves we are trying to make the person feel better by not allowing them to focus on the negative, by showing them a more positive outlook.

In reality, we are avoiding our own discomfort, and allowing the person to feel unheard, unimportant and stuck with their discomfort.

Even if we cannot change a situation for a person, there is a great value in helping them feel heard and validated.

Point of View – The Supervisor or Leader

As a supervisor or leader, we may fall into the same pitfalls as the advocate. We gloss over difficulties, and point out that things are the way they are. We sympathize, or blame someone or something out of our control, and then quickly move on.

We may avoid change, even change we know will be beneficial, because change brings temporary discomfort, and we do not want to hold the blame.

When change is inevitable, we may avoid acknowledging how hard it is. Remember, every change hold some degree of loss.

We may avoid discourse and dialogue in fear that the people we lead will not like or respect us.

We risk becoming ineffective, stuck in poor routines, and allow challenges to go unresolved

Point of View – Self Reflection

As people in the human services world (people receiving services, direct care staff, supervisors), we become very familiar with unresolved challenges and ineffective systems.

We highlight our strengths in avoidance by saying we roll with the punches, never give up, can handle anything life throws our way. We become idealistic in our roll as the martyr.

We take on the perspective that we can handle anything, but in reality we may be lending to our own burnout and ineffectiveness.

Sitting with Discomfort

Sitting with discomfort is not the same as allowing bad routines, tension and negative outcomes to go unresolved. Sitting with discomfort is NOT the same as “being able to handle anything”.

Sitting with discomfort is the idea that we can engage in difficult conversations. We can talk about things that are ineffective and unresolved. We can discuss change and growth, even if this means short term challenges for long term progress.

Sitting with discomfort is avoiding the fight or flight styles of communication, and instead being comfortable with differing ideas and points of view, and being prepared to change your own point of view with new information.

How to Sit with Discomfort Effectively

Allowing discourse in conversation has to be different than arguing, we are challenging ideas not people.

It is OK to throw out or listen to a “bad idea”, sometimes we come up with the right solution by vetting ineffective ones.

Be prepared to change you mind or adopt a new point of view.

Focus on rapport during the conversation. Win people over, don’t prove them wrong.

Give credit to good ideas, and be willing to try ideas you disagree with if they do not cause harm.

Discomfort is a Form of Stress

When we think stress, we immediately gravitate toward negative connotations, but not all stress is bad, at least, not necessarily.

Likewise, when we think of discomfort, we have a similar reaction and aversion.

Not all stress is created equal! Or, at least, not all stressful conditions are created equal.

The right stress, in the right way can actually have positive effects

Think of a body builder…

Exercise is a form of stress. Muscles have to be broken down, and then repaired, to grow and get stronger.

Without stress, a body builder will not be able to build any muscle

With too much stress, the body will break down faster than it can be repaired, and again, no muscle will grow

If the body builder gets the wrong kind of stress, they will get injured not build muscle

The only way for a the body builder to build muscle is to have the right conditions: the right amount of stress, the right kind of stress, and most importantly the right conditions to recover (food, water, rest, days off)

The body must be given the signals and the resources to adapt and grow stronger!

What Can We Learn From This

Stress can be destructive, if left unmanaged it can wear us down much faster than we can recover.

At the same time, stress can help us build, strengthen and grow.

Just like the body builder, we can aim for the right types of stress in the right amounts, and most importantly, give ourselves the time and tools to recover.

If we can work toward our mastery of success, we can work toward being more resilient, stronger, more effective versions of ourselves.

Point of View – The Caregiver of Advocate

Instead of addressing stressful situations through avoidance and trying to convince the other person everything is OK, try this:

Use the stress to motivate you to ask the important questions

Sit with the discomfort, and hear the person’s story

Advocate on the person’s behalf, and ask the tough questions to others who are in control – if you are stressed hearing about the situation, imagine living through it!

Bottom line – acknowledge how difficult things are, listen fully, and be prepared to advocate for change. Even the smallest change might make all the difference to someone who feels undervalued or unheard.

These practices will make you a stronger caregiver and advocate, will improve how you feel about yourself in the role of caregiver or advocate, and will help you become more comfortable managing stress and discomfort in this role.

Point of View – The Supervisor or Leader

Stress and discomfort are bound to be present in any leadership role. The key is to help your team effectively utilize these stressors.

Change is a major source of stress in all environments. Every change is a loss at some level. This is where being a good listener, and looking for ways to be helpful and compassionate are important. Different changes impact different people to different extents!

That does not mean change should always be avoided. Change can be positive, even though it is difficult in the transitional phase, it can be beneficial in the long term. Much like other stressors, choose the right change with the right timing and provide the right resources.

POV – The Supervisor or Leader cont.

Disagreement is not necessarily bad. The role of the leader is to help shape disagreements to be constructive.

We are disagreeing with ideas, not people. Better yet, it does not have to be a disagreement, just different perspectives and new ideas.

Encourage sharing of ideas and suggestions, create an environment where this is accepted and constructive.

Look for compromise and using aspects of different ideas.

Role model phrases such as “here’s an idea, it might be a good one or it might not be right for this situation”, “what if”, “I like the idea, how do we manage (specific challenge)”, “good point, that probably won’t work for this situation”, “what if we try it, and then reconnect in a week to see if it’s working”.

Try a brainstorming tool such as the “yes, and” method.

Point of View – Self Reflection

Self Reflection on stress and discomfort is all about trying to control the “what, where, when, how” of stressors.

When possible, choose your stressors wisely. Choose stressors that motivate and challenge you, but are not overwhelming. This might be managing the number of stressors, or the timing of accepting a challenge.

Much like the body builder, one of the most important factors in channeling stress as a positive tool, is about the ability to recover.

What are you doing to take care of your overall wellbeing? Things like good sleep, nutrition, exercise and socialization.

What are you doing to take breaks? Breaks throughout the day, days off during the week, actually use your vacation time!

What are you doing to practice self care? Everyone has different preferences when is comes to self care, but not everyone actually practices self care. Find a tool to assess your self care, and make a commitment to actually make time!

Assessing Your Real Time Stress Management Skills

Try a SWOT Analysis of how you handle stressful situations

Strengths – Are you calm under pressure, are you someone who helps others keep calm, do you have a good “poker face”, are you a good advocate in high pressure situations, can you find compromise or resolution, etc.?

Weaknesses – Do you have a hard time finding your voice in stressful situations, do you “fight back” and become ineffective, do you avoid challenges that have the potential of helping you grow, do you limit yourself out of fear of failure or embarrassment?

Opportunities – How can you grow your stress management skills and effectiveness, who are your supports in the stressful environment and in your personal life, what are challenges that you can “take on” that will be good for your growth, how can you help those around you who have different strengths and weaknesses than your own?

Threats – Are there toxic people, practices, or culture in your environment? Are there people around you, or “above” you that need additional support in being more effective, are you overextending yourself, are you so burnt out that you cannot effective recover from the stressors around you?

Acknowledging Success

One of the best ways to turn success into motivation is to acknowledge success.

Point out ways in which other people are being successful or helpful.

Point out areas you see improvement, especially if these have been areas of stress, or challenging changes.

Look for the silver lining in difficult situations. Make sure not to minimize or overlook stress and discomfort, but there are still ways to look for positives.

Probably the most difficult brand of acknowledging success is noting our own success. We get in routines where we overlook our own success because “its just what we do, its my job”. Even more challenging, we let our fears insecurities overshadow the things we are doing well. Identify your success, offer yourself self-praise, and celebrate achievements and milestones!

Group Activity

2020 was an incredibly difficult year for everyone. It was full of stress and discomfort, and much of this was unavoidable and outside of our control. Have we really stopped to process what we experienced?

In small groups, discuss the following questions:

What was the biggest challenge you faced in 2020? How did it change you?

What was your biggest achievement or success of the past year?

How have you grown at a person over the past year, how are you a better version of yourself?

What have you done well, in terms of self-care, and where is your room to grow and expand self-care skills?

What are

you most

hopeful for in the coming year?