Getting What You Want Chapters 6 8 Getting a grip You make you mad Once youve created an emotion you can either act on it or be acted on by it Your call So how to get a grip Is this the only way I can react ID: 277227
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Slide1
Crucial Conversations:Getting What You Want
Chapters 6-8Slide2
Getting a grip
“You make you mad.”Once you’ve created an emotion, you can either act on it or be acted on by it. Your call!So, how to get a grip:
Is this the only way I can react?
Would everyone react this way?
Are you faking it?Slide3
The amazing (and often stupid) brain
Just after we observe an action by others and before we feel some emotion about it, our brain fills in “the story”We add a perceived motive (why did they do that?)
We also add judgment (is that a good thing or a bad?)
See/Hear Tell a story Feel ActSlide4
“If you want improved results from your crucial conversations, change the stories you tell yourself – even while you’re in the middle of the fray.”
Okay, but how?Slide5
Work backwards
Notice your behavior
Identify your emotions
Analyze your story
Go back to the factsSlide6
Work backwards
Notice your behaviorAdmit it to yourself!Identify your emotionsRemember, emotions are complicatedAnalyze your story
open yourself up to accept the possibility of other
stories
Go back to the factsSeparate story from fact
identify
pieces
that just “feel” like factsSlide7
Three “clever” storiesVictim stories – It’s not my fault
exaggerate our own innocenceSlide8
Three “clever” storiesVictim stories – It’s not my fault
exaggerate our own innocenceVillian stories – It’s all your faultexaggerate the other person’s guiltSlide9
Three “clever” storiesVictim stories – It’s not my fault
exaggerate our own innocenceVillian stories – It’s all your faultexaggerate the other person’s guiltHelpless stories – There’s nothing else I can do
justifies our lack of power or inability to act
What do these have in common?
They are all INCOMPLETE storiesSlide10
Tell the rest of the story
What is my role in the problem?Why would a reasonable, sane person do this?What result do I really want?What should I do to get these results?Slide11
The recipe
Equal parts confidence, humility, and skill
Remember: STATE
S
hare your facts
T
ell your story
A
sk for others’ paths
T
alk tentativelyEncourage testingSlide12
Breaking the violence/silence cycle
Be sincereStay curiousBe patientemotions take longer to work through than thoughtsSlide13
Skills for listening (not reacting) Ask to get things rolling
an invitation to talkMirror to confirm feelingsdon’t “take them for their word”Paraphrase to acknowledge the story
Prime when you’re getting nowhere
toss out your best guess on the reason behind their actions