Techniques and Strategies for Managing Broken Trust 1 Trust How Are We Defining It Levels of Trust Selftrust Between parties Related to the Collaborative Commitment Agreement Systemic in Collaborative Practice ID: 464476
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Slide1
Sex, Lies and Money
Techniques and Strategies for Managing Broken Trust
1Slide2
Trust: How Are We Defining It?
Levels of TrustSelf-trust
Between parties
Related to the Collaborative
Commitment AgreementSystemic in Collaborative Practice
2Slide3
Challenge of Neuroscience of Interpersonal Research
& Divorce ApplicationsMost reliable research is on restoring & maintaining healthy marital relationships
Significant information on how couples reach point of separation / divorce and betrayal
Can we utilize this research and apply it
to divorcing couples?
3Slide4
The Definition of Betrayal*
“Operating in one’s own best interest is the same as operating against one’s partner’s best interests”.
*
Gottman p
.
4Slide5
How They Come To Us
Challenge for Collaborative Teams: Zero-sum game already in playSelf-interest is paramount:
at partner’s expense
Stereotyping of behaviors:
rigid behavioral patterns
Interactions more negative than positive
5Slide6
Sliding Door Moments
Jennifer & Malcolm in a Sliding Door Moment: Jennifer making a bid and Malcolm turning againstSlide7
The Path of Betrayal*
Dismissing emotions
Flooding
Erosion of trust
Zeigarnik Effect
*
John Gottman
7Slide8
The Path to Betrayal
Conflict = Absorbing StateWhat keeps couples locked in self-defeating negative interactions?
Two kinds of conflict discussions
Repair and Absorbing “Nasty-Nasty”state
Negative oral history switch: “Me-ness”
8Slide9
The Path of Betrayal
Conflict avoidance & secretsUnfavorable CL-ALT + dismissing of emotions
Decreased commitment / Trashing partner
Allow or pursue alternatives
Betrayals and deceptions
9Slide10
The Ultimate Result
Relationship demeaned / unimportantAlternatives become more desirable
Self-rationalizations / justifications
Back to definition of Betrayal
10Slide11
11
How “Software” and “Hardware
”
Interact:
The bio-chemical aspects
of intense negative emotions
Attachment Disconnects
What Are We Scanning For?
(Threats to our ego and other dangers)Slide12
12
Trigger: “Critical” comment
from spouse
How “Software” and “Hardware” Interact:
The bio-chemical aspects
of intense negative emotions
The Results of the ScanSlide13
Attempt to
Regain Control
13
How “Software” and “Hardware” Interact:
The bio-chemical aspects
of intense negative emotions
Reactive Responses
Avoid (resentment)
Withdraw (depression)
Attack (others, self-anger)
Create counter behaviors in othersSlide14
14
Creating Functional Responses:
“Rewiring Our Brain”
Deep (conscious) breathing and self-soothing behaviors
Examine feelings and challenge automatic thoughts
Creating new learned patterns of response
Create new feedback loop for new response
Repeat patterns to change brain pathwaysSlide15
Jennifer and Malcolm
Their storySlide16
Jennifer With Her Coach and Lawyer
Preparing for the “Sign-on” meetingSlide17
What’s the Motivation For Change
in Divorcing Couples?Self-regulationAwareness / in moment experience
of achieving personal power
Self-interest
Co-parenting relationship; possibility of real change
Relief from continuing the same battle
17Slide18
3-way Meeting With Financial Specialist
Addressing New Information Re: undisclosed credit card.Slide19
Educate Client Re: Role of Emotions
Create a “safe zone”Utilize visuals of brain function:
customize to fit client
Slow down emotional reactions: label emotion
Develop ability to influence otherGoal integration: integrated fibers
will grow (Dan Siegel)
19Slide20
Heart Rate Variability* Slide21
What Translates Into Our Work?
Building Vagal Tone: The Antidote for Flooding
Self-soothing: self/clients/team members
Co-regulation (not of partner but trust of team member)
Take breaks / developing self-regulation
Engage the positive (
Rick Hanson
)
21Slide22
3-Way Meeting With Jennifer, Financial Specialist, Coach and Lawyer
Creating new strategies in the light of new informationSlide23
Professional Reactions: Defining Strategies
Cathy, George, Nancy work to maintain team cohesion, figure out “What’s next?”Slide24
What Can The Team Do?
Working Together We:Maintain Collaborative Norms
Maintain coherence of the team through more open sharing
Embrace Negative attitudes / emotions offer possibilities: Information
Address power imbalances in real time
24Slide25
Coach For Behavioral Changes
For Jennifer: the “soft startup”For Malcolm: Work on defensiveness: ability to accept her influence.Recognize a “bid” and respond appropriatelyReinforce moves toward neutral/ positiveSlide26
Helping Clients Heal From Betrayal
Creating healthier relationships in the processProcessing emotionsBetrayer takes responsibility for actionsBetrayer expresses genuine remorse
Hurt partner begins healing by accepting apology
Couple begins to maximize cooperation Slide27
The Role of Shame & Humiliation
Humiliation = Vulnerability + Intentional act of harming: assaults a person’s sense of integrity and well-being
Shame
: An activated sympathetic nervous system; no way to access
self-soothing response
27
The Biochemistry of Humiliation
(Dan Siegel Definition)Slide28
The Role of Shame & Humiliation
Shame: On the path to humiliation: The nervous system is activated.
No attuned response. Brain goes to para-sympathetic nervous system
Individual cannot access parasympathetic response for calming / centering
28
The Biochemistry of Humiliation
(Dan Siegel Definition)Slide29
Behavioral Reaction to Shame
When disgust / shame / humiliation present: automatic reaction is
to hide, expel, or avoid
Creates fear / anger / defensive behavior in other spouse
Clients, process, team cohesion suffers if not addressed
29Slide30
What Can We Do For Malcolm?
Create a new frame for behavior changeIf appropriate, make an amends
to begin his healing
Obtain a commitment to transparency
& honesty in the process
If possible, encourage emotional awareness / communication to Jennifer
30Slide31
The Elusive Element of Trust
Trust is enhanced if the parties spend time in sharing personal values, perceptions, motives, and goals
Cannot sustain a working relationship if…
Believe other’s values, perceptions, and behaviors are damaging to our own
Repairing trust: apologies more effective
than no apology