DONALD BACHMAN MD FACR METROWEST MEDICAL CENTER FRAMINGHAM MASSACHUSETTS DEPARTMENT OF PSYCHORADIOLOGY I WISH LOTS OF CONVERSATIONS ARE DIFFICULT WHAT MAKES A CONVERSATION DIFFICULT ANYTHING WE FIND HARD TO TALK ABOUT ID: 242177
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DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS WITH COLLEAGUES
DONALD BACHMAN MD FACRMETROWEST MEDICAL CENTERFRAMINGHAM MASSACHUSETTSDEPARTMENT OF PSYCHORADIOLOGY*
* I WISHSlide2
LOTS OF CONVERSATIONS ARE DIFFICULTSlide3
WHAT MAKES A CONVERSATION DIFFICULT
ANYTHING WE FIND HARD TO TALK ABOUTWE FEAR THE CONSEQUENCES FOR OURSELVES OR THE OTHER PARTYWE CAN’T PREDICT THE OUTCOMEOUR SELF-ESTEEM IS THREATENEDOUR EMOTIONS GET IN THE WAYSlide4Slide5
SOME DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS
TELLING A CO-WORKER THEY MADE A MISTAKEADMITTING THAT YOU MADE A MISTAKEDEALING WITH AN IRATE CLINICIANCHALLENGING THE JUDGMENT OF A REQUESTED EXAM OR PROCEDURE YOU FEEL IS INAPPROPRIATEAPOLOGIZING FOR BAD BEHAVIORSlide6
THREE UNDERLYING CONVERSATIONS
1. WHAT HAPPENED?Who is right or wrong? Are the facts interpreted differently 2. WHAT FEELINGS ARE PROVOKEDWhat is being said is often not what we feel 3. HOW IS OUR IDENTITY AFFECTED
What our conversation means to our self-image
Stone,Patton &Heen DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONSSlide7
DIFFICULT SUBJECT MATTER
SENSITIVE ISSUE SUCH AS AN ERROREMBARRASING TOPICCONSEQUENCES FOR YOU OR OTHER PARTY POTENTIALLY UPSETTINGWADING INTO SUBJECTS WHERE YOU ARE LESS KNOWLEDGABLE THAN YOU SHOULD BESlide8
WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?
SOMEONE YOU DON’T LIKE OR TRUSTSOMEONE WHO YOU KNOW IS SENSITIVE, DEFENSIVE, UNREASONABLE OR VINDICITVESOMEONE YOU REALLY LIKE AND MIGHT OFFENDSOMEONE YOU DON’T KNOWA PERSON WHO COULD RETALIATESlide9Slide10
WHAT’S YOUR PERSONALITY?
OUTGOING OR INTROVERTEDCONFRONTATIONAL OR COMPLIANTEMOTIONAL OR DISPASSIONATEANALYTICAL OR INSTINCTIVEARE YOU CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR OWN COMPETENCE, GOODNESS, WORTHINESS (EVERYONE IS!)Slide11Slide12
HOW TO MAKE IT EASIER
ACCEPT THAT THERE IS NO DIPLOMATIC WAY TO THROW A GRENADEACKNOWLEDGE YOUR FEELINGS, BUT DON’T LOSE YOUR TEMPERDEVELOP YOUR BATNA (BEST ALTERNATIVE TO A NEGOTIATED AGREEMENT)Slide13
“GETTING TO YES” METHOD
AVOID POSITIONAL BARGAININGSEPARATE THE PEOPLE FROM THE PROBLEMFOCUS ON INTERESTS, NOT POSITIONS INVENT OPTIONS FOR MUTUAL GAININSIST ON USING OBJECTIVE CRITERIA
FISHER AND URY GETTING TO YESSlide14
“GETTING TO YES” METHODDEAL WITH THE EMOTIONS
RECOGNIZE AND UNDERSTAND THE EMOTIONS ON BOTH SIDESACKNOWLEDGE THEM AS LEGITIMATEALLOW THE OTHER SIDE TO VENTILATEDON’T REACT TO EMOTIONAL OUTBURSTSDO NOT EMULATE UNCONSTRUCTIVE BEHAVIORSlide15
ALLIGN YOUR INTERESTSSlide16
GETTING PAST NO
“GO TO THE BALCONY”- FOCUS ON THE PRIZE, NOT GETTING MAD OR EVENSTEP TO THEIR SIDE - DEFUSE THE ANGERDON’T REJECT - REFRAMEBUILD A BRIDGEMAKE YOUR ADVERSARY A PARTNER
Ury GETTING PAST NOSlide17
A FEW HINTS
DON’T LOSE YOUR TEMPER,YOU WILL ONLY REGRET ITTAKE NOTE OF OTHERS WHO NEGOTIATE DIFFICULT SITUATIONS WELLPRACTICE YOUR DISCUSSION SKILLS,ESPECIALLY IF YOU FIND IT HARDDON’T GET DRAWN IN, TAKE TIME TO COMPOSE YOUR RESPONSESDON’T BEAT YOURSELF UPSlide18
KEEP YOUR HEADSlide19
HELPFUL REFERENCES
Fisher R and Ury W GETTING TO YES Penguin Books 1991Stone D, Patton B and Heen S DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS Penguin Books 1999Patterson K, Grenny J, McMillan R and Switzler A CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS McGraw Hill 2002Ury W GETTING PAST NO Bantam 1991