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Breaking  the Chains  of Anger Breaking  the Chains  of Anger

Breaking the Chains of Anger - PowerPoint Presentation

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Breaking the Chains of Anger - PPT Presentation

Paul H Van Valin PhD Eden Leaders Institute wwwedenleaderscom RECORD wwwedenleaderscom download BCApdf August 17 2017 Paul VanValin Preachers Kid Married 40 years 3 sons ID: 635566

session anger marriage expression anger session expression marriage positive assess safe scale control change assessment time increase effective person

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Slide1

Breaking the Chains of Anger

Paul H Van Valin, PhDEden Leaders Institutewww.edenleaders.comRECORDwww.edenleaders.com/download/BCA.pdf

August 17, 2017Slide2

Paul VanValin

Preacher’s KidMarried 40 years – 3 sonsClinical Psychologist/ConsultantEden Leaders Institute 1994Eden Counseling and ConsultingPRO-D™ Comprehensive Assessments DistributorSlide3

Win Every Argument, Win Every Heart

Conference Specials Amazon.com - $5.98 Paperback and Kindlecreatespace.com/7474368HFUVNKUB - discount code for 50% OFF Slide4

Questions?Big groupText to 757-581-1393Questions answered periodicallySlide5

Goals of Training

Increase or validate skills (Personality Dis.)Practice principals of effective interventionsStrategically Lead, and Teach others to have, Safe ConversationsLead distressed couples and families authentically with confidence and compassionCreate Effective Emotional Connection to increase Intimacy

and dismantle LandminesSlide6

Personality DisorderA personality disorder is an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectations of the individual’s culture, is pervasive and inflexible, has an onset in adolescence or early adulthood, is stable over time, and leads to distress or impairment.Slide7

Galatians 5:19-23

The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions  and envy; Slide8

Galatians 5

drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.Slide9

Galatians 5

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Slide10

Case Study 1- Marital

34 year old professional and wifeMarried 10 yearsRecent extramarital “emotional” affairDaily aggression with violence for 6 monthsSlide11

Safe ConversationsCLAPSConfidentialityListen

AcceptancePraise SandwichSkill SelectionSlide12

First Session

DirectiveCreate and Model Safe CommunicationControl CommunicationAssessment via scalingLimit anger expressionPromote RomanceSlide13

Marriage Assessment

1st Interview Five point rating scaleFive is very good, positive–

enhances

our

marriage

One is weak/harmful –

damaging or destroying our

marriageSlide14

Marriage AssessmentRole Play

FaithLeisure TimeFinancesParentingFriends and Family Slide15

Marriage Assessment

CommunicationConflict Management Sexual RelationshipPerceptions of Each Other’s Personalities

Marriage Expectations Slide16

Case 1 - Growth Areas

1’s and 2’sConflict ManagementCommunicationPerceptions of Each Other’s PersonalitiesSexual RelationshipSlide17

Assess Conflict and Aggression

We improve what we measureFrequencyDurationIntensity Anger Expression Scale with interview measures all 3Slide18

ANGER EXPRESSION SCALE

10 = murder9= physical wounding8 = physical contact7= shrieking, cursing, name calling, expressions of contempt6 = yelling 5 = loud voice with a risk of moving to 6Slide19

ANGER EXPRESSION SCALE

4 = controlled intensity with a sense of self control internally3 = true assertion, calm delivery, use of “I” messages2 = internal need to control expression but it’s very easy 1 = mild irritation or frustration Slide20

Assess Anger

How intense has it ever been?How often? How long does it last?Proceed down the scale to determine how often each level occurs.Goal: Nothing above 5Timeout for 6 or aboveSlide21

Anger Scale ApplicationCouple/family agrees to limit expression

Use numbers to communicate intensity to break old patternsAgree that the family member with the highest perceived rating will be accepted“Landmines” are best avoidedSlide22

Case Study 1

Intensity 8 to 9Frequency: 8 daily, 9 three times in 6 monthsDuration: up to several hours per occurrenceNot “Abuse” – FIGHTINGMarriage needs protection –

not individualsSlide23

Brain Function

Pre-frontal is “on” for:Self-controlProblem solvingCreative thinkingStrong emotions turn it “off” and limbic system takes over. “Emotional Mind”Slide24

Land Mines

They blow up when you approach themFlag them and stay awayGet explosives experts to helpDismantle very carefullySlide25

March of Death

Rapid escalation of angerContinue intense conflict until one party breaks contactContinue to “stew” No bonding ritualSlide26
Slide27

Everybody’

s DreamGentle Start-upLimit to 4Work to resolve or reach the limits of constructive interactionRitual of Bonding (Kiss and Make-up)Slide28
Slide29

Constructive Conflict

Gentle Start-upOne or both exceed 4Agree to time outReturn at 4 or belowWork to resolve or reach the limits of constructive interactionRitual of Bonding (Kiss and Make-up)Slide30
Slide31

Insanity

Doing the same thing over and over expecting different resultsEngaging people who are over 4Choosing to engage others when we are over 4Slide32

Increase Positive Interaction

20 times more positive than negativeLimit negativity with Anger Expression ScaleRomance Builders to increase positive interactionSlide33

Romance Builders

Assess willingness for positive changeAccentuate the positive“I feel loved and cared about when you…”List at least twelve items that are positive and observableSlide34

Homework Session 1

Limit anger expression (scale and Time Out)Agree to avoid land minesCreate Romance Builder listShare it as long as it does not create conflictTake personal responsibility to

speak truth (declaring time out) and increase

positive

expression with respectSlide35

Session 2

Returned with cessation of violence reportedAlso reported very little interaction that weekCongratulated by therapist – celebrate any improvementNo more violence - everSlide36

Matthew 5:9

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called Children of God.Slide37

Questions?757-581-1393Slide38

5 Principles

Lisa Benson et al. 2012Change the conceptualization of the relationshipModify Dysfunctional BehaviorDecrease Emotional AvoidanceImprove CommunicationPromote StrengthsSlide39

4 (90 minute) Session

Marriage CounselingFirst session, or pre-interview: Assess Individual and Marital Strengths and Weaknesses (M,C,T), Stress ToleranceAssign necessary interventionsMedicalOther Therapies

Other Supports (Avoid Breakage)Slide40

4 Sessions

Limit Destructive ConflictIncrease Positive ExperiencesSecond Session: Effective Problem SolvingThird Session: Effective Communication

Fourth Session

: Effective

Emotional Exchange

Dismantle LandminesSlide41

Motivation, Capacity, Training

Want to change SELFAble to change SELFHas training/life experience/understanding to know how to change SELFPRO-D™ to measure and predict Booth 119Free assessment for active coaches and university staffSlide42

Problem Solving – Brain Storming – Session 2

Define problemBrainstorm – no discussionPick easiest one to start with – no discussionDiscuss implementationTry it and discuss in a week to assess effectiveness Slide43

Role Play

– If TimeDefine problemBrainstorm – no discussionPick easiest one to start with – no discussionDiscuss implementationTry it and discuss in a week to assess effectivenessSlide44

SEARCH

FOR SAFETYSession 4Two Players: The Listener and the Angry Person Usually 20 to 25 minutes required

May require coaching the first three

times

Dismantles Landmines, New Perspectives, Promotes Intimacy (physical & emotional closeness and openness)Slide45

SEARCH FOR SAFETY

S - Safe Place E - Emotions are Expressed A - Affect Change

R - Reframe

C - Comfort

H - Help Slide46

S - Safe Place

The Listener puts self in a safe placeRemain objective Listen when confrontedAvoid a defensive or counterattack response Slide47

E - Empathy

Angry Person expresses his/her feelings.Listener responds with Empathy only. Anger runs its course as the Angry Person perceives self as “heard”Usually under five minutesSlide48

A - Affect Change

Angry Person becomes calm or sad or hurtThe Listener responds with Empathy Slide49

R - Reframe

Emotion changes and what is said allows one or both parties to perceive things differentlyA contextual and cognitive reframe often occursSlide50

C - Comfort

HoldingReassuringListen with empathy Slide51

H - Help

Angry Person lists three options that would helpListener chooses one to give – I recommend to choose the easiest. These requests are often character developing requests that are good for both parties.Slide52

Case 2

57 year old retired Navy Captain - GS 16Angry with wife for procrastinating on minor medical assessmentSlide53

Safety DaysM-W-F Husband is listenerT-Th-S Wife is listenerListeners listen practicing appropriate skills

Listeners don’t complaint or criticizeSlide54

Fighting vs. Abuse

Trying to solve problems in an emotionally charged contextTrying to control through intimidationSlide55

Questions?757-581-1393Slide56

Eliminate Fighting

Protect the AbusedBrainstorm for problems solvingSEARCH for Safety for strong emotionTake turns expressing emotionIf abusive people are Motivated, they may learn other means of influence than intimidationSlide57

Questions?

757-581-1393Slide58

Resources –

Booth 119Online Training – YouTube Paul VanValin4 Session Marriage CounselingWin Every Argument, Win Every Heart (Amazon)Why Kids Cut – DVD $10

Training on 3

rd

Thursday -

12pm Eastern Time

Pro-D™

Certification

Free trial for coaches or university personnel

Faculty or AdministrationSlide59

Assessment Tools

APA.org free scalesPRO-D™ - Missions, Capacities, Styles, Convergence for Self and EnvironmentMMPI-2 TRF or MCMI-IVIQ, Learning CapacityAttention, Impulse Control